Reimburse The Universe

Sigh.. So admittedly this is my third attempt at explaining whatever it is I'm trying to explain exactly. The first 3000 words I watched vanish were accidental by the pressing of a backspace button on my mouse. And after that... I can't seem to get past 100 words. I had everything I wanted to say, I could retrace my thoughts and re-write it, but I can't honestly seem to find satisfaction in the method of execution. I prefer to type as I think, not think before I type. It's how I communicate 90% of the time, which is less and less the farther I get from my moment of awakening. I used to be a very loud, outspoken, Leo type of person. Maybe I wanted attention because I've forced all of the attention I once had away from me because I couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't good enough for myself so I didn't want to worry about letting others down like I thought I was doing. I sure was a genius up until a year and a half ago. But recently, the year and a half part I mentioned... I had a moment of extreme change in my life. I grew up coping with trying to figure out which of the 6 fathers I grew up around was going to be my real father. Knowing well that my real father was someone that my mother had cheated on with my "Supposed to be then" father, which led to me having two names. Dale and Douglas. And of course, being the son of an unknown entity, I honestly didn't see any of them as my father. I was good back then, at pretending, even though I've never once in my life called someone dad. But none of that matters, it might have made more of an impact on my outcome than I would like to admit, but as I stand now, I'm Positivity. Years and years... of being my own worst enemy, led to me having the inability to find displeasure in a situation anymore. I blamed everyone I could, believe me. And up until I was just about 29 or 30 I couldn't help but realize, that I could no longer blame anybody but myself, and even then I couldn't even blame myself. I literally stopped all of the negativity I had surrounded myself with and discarded it. Like some artificial intelligence that happened to be reprogrammed. Steven Hawking has been stealing my ideas and thoughts since I was about 16. I can do anything I want. And very well, most of the time. Except I don't like to do anything around anybody anymore, because of the negativity I've seen as a result from others around me. Even though I literally vanished from everyone I've ever known growing up, for reasons I probably don't have to discuss here. It was confusion enigmatically disguised as absolution. I thought I knew what was best. I'll cut out for now, and honestly if you care to hear my story, I wouldn't mind telling it verbally, it's easier for my overly computational mind to tell because I revert back to my own memories and not have to stare at some alphanumeric font that I absolutely have to make as complicated as possible for no real reason other than because I like to read. I admired everyone of my friends. More so than they'll probably ever realize at this point, because I've literally not responded and avoided every situation possible to ensure that I've successfully severed myself from their lives. They gave me so much as I sped through adolescence and any chance for a childhood where I could enjoy myself the way that I should. I didn't finish school, because I would stay up at night, ravaged by thoughts of problems that they faced, and how I could possibly save them from all of those problems. The parental arguments I witnessed to parents that I might have considered closer to my parents than the fictional ones in my life and my own mother. She's another story altogether, and I have to admit, she won't understand that I don't blame her, because I know at this point in time she can't stop blaming herself. I know this because as much as I used to say that I despised her and considered her my true reason for having such a pathetic life, the only way that could be possible, is because she was the biggest influence in my life. I might only be half as intelligent as I pretend to be today, because she was so knowledgeable. She taught me everything that I didn't teach myself, which was basically everything before I turned 16 and ended up living on my own after she left for the first time. I don't hate her or blame her for that, either. It was all moments of my own directive that I've had control over since the beginning. I do love her. And I do intend to bring her back into my life. But I can't seem to bring myself to it until I've actually done something that I can say I know would make her proud. Because in the end, I just want happiness. Not my own, I have that. I gained that one special thing a year and a half ago. And it was from losing the only person I ever really wanted to be with. And that's when I realized how true the saying was...

There's a lot of transitioning in there, but I honestly don't want to divulge all of the details behind it. Mainly because I realized halfway through writing this, that I wanted more to have someone to tell my story to, than I really cared about finding a way to pay our rent so that my roommate and closest friend I have at this point, could find some peace at mind. He, unlike me, revolves around money. He spends all of his thoughts and energy with it being at the tip of his metaphorical iceberg. He doesn't realize yet, how utterly useless money is. And me going through this transition of being an obnoxious asshole who always had something to say and wouldn't shut up, yet never really explaining the things that I really wanted to, ended up being a complete vessel. Empty, emotionless, still questioning yet never acting. They almost gave up on me, but I didn't care. And the more I thought about how it was his fault that I had decided to let her go, questioning what I was really doing, had I made the right decisions? Why am I not happy... I realized... I was happy. I was so happy, every time I thought about how happy I was because of her. It was a feeling I honestly can say I never really allowed myself to be until then. And then that moment of realizing I knew what true happiness felt like, it was like a lightswitch. I couldn't not feel it after realizing, I'd felt it. Even without her, I still knew what happiness was, because she'd given it to me. And slowly, I started to come out of my shell. All of my creativity and imaginative charisma started to bud and blossom, like the first day of spring. That's not why I'm here today. I have a lot of story left untold, and a lot of discovering yet to do before I can allow myself to be satisfied. Like I said earlier, I care about the people I pushed out of my life. I do. They were the ones that literally tried to give me the world at every moment they could. And I wouldn't accept it, or would accept it not realizing what it truly was. Happiness. I gave them happiness by the forced quick-witted humor and just my own presence in general. I felt like I owed them something. And continued on through the now 31 years of my life, just carrying more and more weight unable to pay back all of the charity I thought I was receiving growing up. But I never cared for money, It was something I had to have. I didn't get a choice in it's impact in my life, and personally, that's probably why I dislike it. I don't like the idea that there's a force I can't control, that would bring my entire theory of the universe revolving around me. Complications that I really don't need impeding my thoughts and my goal of saving the world. I want to bring everyone the happiness I found. That realization of knowing it's something we've literally had since the day we were born. The older we get, the easier it is to pretend like we don't have it. And then we justify our reasoning with our thoughts, because we know those are the one's that are going to make the most sense in the end. And I want my roommate to have a moment to remember what his was like, when he wasn't worried about paying rent, or considering me to be worthless because I can't decide how I can fix it without destroying any chance he could have of finding his happy thoughts. We already went to court for an eviction which we took care of, I sold most of my material possessions and he borrowed money from his parents, because don't even think about asking him to part with his giant collection of things he really doesn't need, lol. I won't even say that to him. Because right now, he thinks that's where his happiness is, what little of it he has these days. Between struggling to stay positive like he always was, he's constantly trying to bring me back to my not-quite-so-distant self. But he's having trouble because I'm adapting to changes in my life that are more about just being happy regardless, and that everything will work out. Because in the end, I plan on achieving my goal of bringing our entire planet happiness, and I can do anything I set my mind to. Like I said. I have an interview tomorrow at 3PM, and I also have another opportunity to work detailing cars for a local automotive distributor. I blame myself, once again. It took longer than necessary for me to finally release myself from my constant questions, because I was going through something I wanted to understand, not blow over and forget about why it is that I'm no longer surrounded by my own personal darkness. And I want him to smile a few times before I can bring back some financial stability and fix this entire mess I've created. I have nothing but positivity for the days to come. And in all reality, I'm asking for the help for my friend, and basically the one person who wouldn't let me push him away. Because he knew that we all need someone. And that was true a hundred times over for me. Because I was removing everyone through what I believed were honorable intentions. And now I don't see his light anymore. And its because I allowed myself to continue being the most selfish person I've ever known. And I want him to smile and talk about his dreams and aspirations if even just a little. Not constantly remind me that I need a job and that we've already had one possible eviction taken care of, literally 5 days before Christmas. And even if nobody helps him, I'll still remain positive. Because I'll bring him the happiness he deserves, so that he can spread his happiness to the ones that deserve to see it. So that they can be closer to their own happiness and eventually... I'll at least be able to think I single-handedly saved the world. That way I can stop thinking I never accomplished anything. I've taken the darkest of every negative feeling, and bottled them up for so long. Literally dealing with the emotions, and pain and thoughts myself. Never showing others my true thoughts and feelings and shouldering the struggle on my own. And realizing just how horrible and completely dismal that was, I came to realize I don't want anybody else to have to feel that way. I know I can't reach the entire world. But at least help me reach my friend. I didn't get him anything for Christmas, and his Birthday is February 14... And at the very least... I thank you for taking some of your own time to read a little of a story I've been wanting to tell for awhile. It's a very brief, very short version of a much longer and much more intricate series of events that led to me, being on this website, and finally writing/saying/expressing more than the necessary 10 word limit I've been utilizing. I really did miss my communication with others. So at least I did gain someone from the idea of others helping others. I guess we can say that we all saved the world, after I finally take care of this final obstacle. And I do believe it's the final obstacle, otherwise, I wouldn't be sharing the beginning of the story of how Humanity saved itself. (PS. I didn't know until I went to submit that I had to dictate a person to receive the funds. I'm claiming myself only for the reason that our current rent is $850 not counting all of the utility bills, but I can work off a payment plan with them after I get my job tomorrow and prove income. I want to get him a birthday present, too. Because I really do owe him... and since I'm basically begging for the first time in my life for assistance... I added a little extra so I can get him something, If I sent the money to him, he would use it on bills. And I'll handle those, so I want him to have a present for his birthday, because it's been as long for him as it has for me since he had an actual birthday cake and present to unwrap. And if we can manage to meet my campaign before the 1st [when rent is due] I'll get him a birthday present earlier than his birthday, because wouldn't it be really surprising to get a gift before you expected to?) Sorry for the trouble I've cause, and may God bless all of us.