Hi Friends and Family,
Hoo boy, where do I begin. Do you ever have that feeling like you're forgetting something? Or that feeling like you know you're supposed to be somewhere or doing something that you're not currently doing? I equate this with that. It's that same gut-sinking feeling that, perhaps, you're not fulfilling the promises you set to yourself, or to others, or to whoever/whatever God is. Erwin McManus, Pastor of Mosaic Church, describes the feeling of not living up to your potential as "torture." I think that word sums it up well: a mental and emotional blockade (or perhaps, accomplice) that keeps you from feeling satisfied when you have all of the ingredients that should, in theory, lead to satisfaction.
In the first week of September, I am moving to Los Angeles. In my mind, I am left with existential dread and concern for the unknown. If you've spent any time with me, you would know that. But I would rather be afraid and moving forward, than afraid and moving nowhere. Fear portrays a city, large walls surrounding all sides, moats, alligators, barbed wire, and TNT laced beyond the barriers. Maybe I'll just make it a dome... kinda like a rock igloo. Anyways. As the king of my theoretical city, ideally, I've prevented my city from getting pillaged, struck by lightning, and broken into - meanwhile, the only sights I will ever see are inside of the walls. I have created a prison for myself. Fear creates the illusion that you're protecting yourself from only bad, when in reality, I'm also blocking myself from anything good.
And at the risk of losing security, I would rather see the world. If I hold on so tightly to the things I have already, my hands will never be open enough to receive any more good things.
I have to make room for my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations, my goals, new friendships, new relationships, fresh potential, and all that has not yet been mentioned, too.
I will be participating in a three-month internship at Mosaic Church in LA, on the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and La Brea. Although the internship tenure is only three months, I will be there indefinitely. I've done the thing where you move away and do something for three months, then come back, and do the exact same thing I was before, as if nothing changed. I want to change. What would be the point otherwise? I want to grow and put myself in positions to be uncomfortable and see the world and make new friends and push myself past the very walls I swore kept me safe, when in fact, they kept me complacent and comfortable. Don't hear me wrong, there is nothing wrong with comfort, so as that it is not preventing you from reaching potential. I'll have to answer for lost time and lost potential one day, and I want that to be a conversation in which I can say with earnesty that I gave it all.
Life is too short to not pursue what is on your heart - it's there for a reason.
This has not been easy! If you know me, you would know that I love my family and I love my friends. I love my parents more than anything in this world and they have been so supportive and kind and helpful, even though I know it's rough on the both of us. I love my brother and sister-in-law and the lovingkindness they have shown me consistently. I love my niece and nephew with everything that I have and it literally tears me up to know that I will be missing a chapter or two of their lives - I think part of me is still asking for their forgiveness for that. I love each of my friends so much. They have been gracious in their support and consistent in their love and laughter with me. I'll miss it gravely. It's with tears that I write this because there's nothing I want more than to stay with mom and dad and family for the rest of my life, because it has been nothing short of a privilege. But I also need to push myself and grow, because if I didn't, I couldn't forgive myself 60 years down the road.
All that to say, I will need help. I can use all the help I can get actually. I will need phone calls, and shared memories, and laughs, and encouragement, and visits, and the best hugs that you could give me when you see me, and conversations, and the quiet time in-between.
And because moving to LA isn't free or cheap, I need financial support. I will not say that I haven't been saving up money and setting this transition up to be as smooth as possible, because I have. But I need all the help I can get. I will be jobless for the three months that I will be participating in the internship, so that's where the $5,000 number comes from. Rent & Cost of Living.
If you're able to help, awesome. If you're not, awesome. I will make it either way. I also have set up an Amazon Baby Registration because lol. I've included a couple things in there that will make my life a bit easier moving to the big city.
Here's the link to my Amazon Baby Registration even though I am definitely not having a baby:
Let me know if you have any questions and if there's any other information I can give you.
I love you lots.