SO I AM AT THE POINT THAT I LOST HOPE. I THINK MAYBE PROBABLY MY FAMILY JUST SUCKS, HAS NEVER BEEN THERE WHEN I REALLY NEEDED THEM. THAT MY DAUGHTER & I ARE ALL ON OUR OWN.Hello,
so this is one of the hardest things for me to do. To openly admit the struggles I’m going through is hard because I have tried so hard to stay strong and tell myself that “everything will work out.” However, I have come to the realization that it’s not. I am 35 years old. I have goals for a better life not just better but a beautiful life. I have a 7 year old beautiful baby girl who I love with all of my heart and that’s why I try and force myself up to make her breakfast, but as of lately she can she my pain. She tries to be over happy. Breaks my heart, she is trying to make her mommy happy. It is suppose to be the other way around. I did get her a dog Stanley she named him...he has helped.
And God Bless her is has been bullied severely this entire year. She went to never wanting to miss school. To begging to stay home. She told these things in time and through alot of tears. But ever recess she swings by herself, not because she wanted to has she had told me, but because no one like her. She would she to play with other girls, was told many mean things once even told she could if climbed a tower, she tried but told she got scared. I thought Thank God! So she stopped asking to play and she would only swing by herself. She told me she cried but didnt let anyone see and she would sing to herself "This is my fight song, this is my life song." Horrible I tried with the school repeatedly and was very vigilant but the emotional abuse never stopped. So we had to switch schools, move to different district..move from what we had made a home.
And we did but instead of having my old roommate I couldnt find anyone to split the bills and quickly kept falling into this hole debt, stress, wishing for her dad. Wishing for a miracle, she does too. She trys to stay so positive for me, like sje can see I have given up hope. Luckily she keeps holding on to it for both if us.
I feel like I’m failing as a mother because I can’t provide for myself much less her. I am currently falling apart, disappointed in humanity, my family, friend, life.. I am currently not working because truthfully Im depressed at the point where, Im tired of trying, tired of doing the right thing, I always tell my daughter "WHEN YOU DO GOOD, GOOD HAPPENS". I have always been generous truly it has always been in my heart. I remember as a little girl walking thru the fair with my parents seeing a little Spanish with nothing. I strayed from my parents as I walked right to her handing her my both stuffed animals I won. I felt called to make other smile. Along the way I completely lost my smile. I have given my last dollar to the homeless guy at 7/11 and thought well I have a place to live.
The family that is around has only ever taken from me. Well asked for $20 here or there. Then my Uncle car breaks down. My Aunts kids get lice and she has no money to treat them. She never even actually did the treatment, I did of course and again in 7 days. I always thought if I could I should, I wanted to do for my family and others. But over twenty years, no one has ever helped me! NO ONE it hurts my heart. They know I am in a terrible position now. And NO ONE has even said Im sorry your going through this.
I know I act tough, strong. I always have I had a extremely verbally abusive father. I grew tough because I had to. He didnt deserve to see my tears, although they still come now when I speak of it.
We are being evicted actually have to out tomorrow and I have no one where to take us. I have looked for options, but in the last 3 months I have had my entire saving stolen from me, close to $5000. I know it was someone in my family. God it makes me want to give up. BUT HER, Alivia,,,,she deserves the world, to see the world, to be given every opportunity that as a child I never knew existed. I want her to know People can be good. I need to believe for both of us that things can change, life can be beautiful and full of love. I have lost my happiness and How can I say something I havent seen to be true...for her or I. "WHEN YOU DO GOOD , GOOD HAPPENS!"
We need a way, a new start, a new place. We need begin again far from all this pain and sad memories. She wants to move to NEW YORK CITY! We are in swfl now. BUT her eyes sparkle when she says it. And she also want to buy a home so we can make the rules. I want everything her heart desires, I want fairly-tales, rainbows, joy, peace, hope, honesty, so much love, happiness and health. And for all my sweet smart little girl's dream to come true.
So I am humbling asking for help. I have never asked for help before, mostly because I knew it wasnt there from my family but I could of reached out but honestly I never wanted to be the one who needed help and was to vain to ask.
With honestly not a alot of hope that this will help us. But I have this desire to hope that it will so I can TELL My Daughter. There is love out there, people do care. And all her positive thoughts "That things will be okay Mama" worked. And she is the miracle for believing, hoping , dreaming, smiling even when her mommy stopped.
Ann & Alivia
P.s Grandma Ruth I know if you were still here I could call you. We miss you its been 6 months now, and I wish you here soo much. I love you.