I want to go home

Hello everyone

I´m so embarassed to write this message, but I don´t know what more can I do to solve my problem. Please, excuse my bad English, I have not much English skills.

I´m 49 years old, next april i will complete 50. On this precise moment I´m using a computer of a friend (where I´m living since 7 months ago). For many reasons that will no fit this space, but if you want to know I can send you by email, well,  I am a homeless, without work, without assets to sell, no savings, synthesizing, I´m broke. Nine bellow zero as sang Sonny Boy Williamson.

I am living 800 miles from home, I mean as home my city, where I have some kin. In fact I feel me absolutely lonely in this world.  Since my 18/19 years old I suffer with a deep depression, caused by genetic and traumatic reasons. I lost opportunities, jobs, relationships, friends,everything, everytime.  I´ve been like a unguided car going from nothing to nowhere.

Always trying to make right -and now I know why, always doing wrong. People every saw in me a lazy guy, a weird guy, excentric, grumpy. No one saw I was in a road to the deep.

Since my childhood I had a progressive dificulty to make decisions, make choices, have opinion. Growin on a absolutly emotional dependence, primarily of my mother, a castrating and domineering woman. This influence is exerted on my life so far. For that reason I told you I am knowing  what is live from 7 months ago. It is the time what I am succeed to get free of  this ghost.

I was married for 14 years in a replay of a dominator-dominated as I was educated, that depressing me without I know why.  I got 2 stenosis in 4 years, feeling more and more lost, without a concret reason to think I have had a life, a history, a past. The unknown insatisfaction led me to separation, i was business partner of my ex wife, with my growing depression crisis I gave up of business too,  i have tried to live alone, spent my savings doing that, but without find a way. One year later I was absolutely lost in my life. without any perspectives.

Met a woman who saw my lost way, we fell in love, I tried to raise  a new life, but my mind was in short-circuit, I was in a complete existencial crisis. Even love each other. I wasn´t  structured to nothing more, and I ran away.

I ran away to a town 800 mile distant, where I lived 16 years ago. No reason, only for not knowing where else to go. It was the saddest moment of my life, I did not had  thoughts, almost  did not know who I was. Almost suicide me. In the last moment I changed my mind, and by God I finally found an angel who had mercy, an  psychologist , friend in common with a friend of mine. She offered treat me for free, I found a friend who offered me a place in his house, and here I am 7 months later, telling you a brief resume of my history.

I discovered all my past, mostly the traumas what caused  all my blockings,  I´m not cured yet, but I can see  first time in my life some sense, a real will for live, a world to discover after 50 years of jail, a minded jail. I´m free :)

I want to go back to São Paulo. These 7 months I tried hard to get a job,  nothing but a free lancer here, other there.  Economy was no much better in my country, jobs went down, and I have 50 yeasr old, mostly doors are closed in my age. while this I got some pennies with handicraft jobs, but don´t pass 150-200 dollars monthlly.

As I told, I have some kin, but it don´t matter in fact, they don´t know about me. Although my age, São Paulo is the biggest city in my country, is my birth place too, and I believe i would have more chances there. I dream with a dignified life, without dependences, maybe I can  find it finally.

Before this I need a job, any job, an I intend to start some handicraft work,  I have artistic abilities and craftwork abilities too, so I want to learn something about it.

Well, This is a real hard part... I feel able to tell you  any page of my life with minus pudor. But ask for this kind of help is really embarrassing. I need some money to support my departure to São Paulo, I have so few stuff to carry, but is a cost.

I need some air to breath till get any job there. I will apply on any I can find :)

Or at least I will able to start some handicraft work. The  world cup are coming and a lot of turists will come certainly,  It is a huge opportunity.

So I´m here to ask your help, your support. any sum, what you can, I will thank you for ever with all of my heart.

I want tell you one more time, and ever, very much apreciated, God bless all of you.