Recently I was homeless again. I just need real hope and a chance. Just a Queer Theory-Boy trying to move to Toronto. Now living in a housing project for people with disabilities in rural Alberta. I am stuck. It is very homophobic here and my immediate family situation is not good. Oppurtunities for me are limited. I've just been through a lot recently to get my basic needs met finally after almost a year after my life was completely ruined, but now I am looking forward because I finally managed to get a job. About ”The most creative and affectionate person alive” Everybody goes through The Tragic in their own way, in many ways I am grateful to have gone through my share earlier and in greater magnitude. If not, it never would have opened me up to my intuition and all it’s possibility. Not only that, but forgiveness. At some point the frequency of homelessness and crazy-making ceases to exfoliate, it just burns you alive, but the cycle doesn’t ever seem to end unless it is broken. And I don’t know if I can do that on my own. This is why I need your help. “You’ve only ever tried to help. It’s sad that they’ve only went after you the hardest, tried to ruin you the most.” Talents only work well when you are putting them to Service, and I want to participate and be part of the world. But too often I find myself making concessions to bridge the power differences in my relationships as I meet people. As an Original, you could say, whatever this is--a poem, it is nice to know you like it. I like it, I click on it. I give it my attention. I have appreciated this energy from you all. But we don’t live in a world where the Spirit and Art are treated as equally as the Material concerns; which is probably why I have no friends that last beneath the concessions I always need to make. I don’t want to simply name it--poverty or class or abuse. Its just that The Tragic part is also made of these differences in power and opportunity that tear us apart, which is why simply liking me, being likable, and clicking on me isn’t enough. This is what it is both, like, to be friends with me, and to be an artist. It just isn't enough right now because I need help. So help bring me to your level again, so maybe I can stay there without slipping back. Really, I need financial or other--support to become independent. Not just another escape plan or somewhere to couch surf. Things really aren’t good at home & I cannot stay here in it. I’ve gotten out before but it always drags me back into it. What I need is independence and a fresh start in a place that isn’t as sad as where I am right now. History of Escape Plans “Why don’t you just run away? Just get away from them” Believe me, I’ve tried. But really complex forms of abuse are hard to explain and its never simple. Its really about being in a double-bind or in black pedagogy. The trick is, they want me to run away. Yes. Run! I’ll push you to till you’re crazy and have to run. But its a trap because they know they’ve taken away the route ahead of time, made it twist into coming back to them, and then it will hurt even more. In the end you're wrong and impossible regardless of whether you stay or leave. The last time I really thought I’d gotten away from it, I had found a really amazing boyfriend who was going to rescue me. Things had been getting better the three years I had known him. During the five years away at university though, I was able to keep mostly away from home. However, whenever I did go home, which I avoided at all costs, there would be some insidious triangulation of family politics and I’d end up living in a park throughout the summer. Again. And they knew that university would keep me from making money or getting too far away, I’d still be dependant on them and have to go back. Of course I wasn’t really away studying to get a serious career or for any of the right reasons. I was running. And sadly, with much hurt, it was the same thing with my boyfriend. I was nearly 100% dependant on him and the power difference was just too much, I focused on survival and using him to stay away from home, that not even love could keep things together given the elements at play. I think its really common actually for outsiders to try to rescue without really understanding the issues or knowing what they are getting themselves into. Things didn’t work out and my new life went down in flames again. The police drove me back to the airport and my life literally ended as I had to leave Toronto behind to go back home where everything was to be taken from me again. I don’t want to do harm by telling my story, I just want to explain that I’ve tried, and that some forms of help are actually not sustainable. I maintain Low Contact, if you’re familiar with the term, with my Mother and still consider her a special friend. Maybe things can get better one day to the point of actual-friend. I hope that my Partner at some point can forgive me. Since then, my Aunt, The Wheatland Crisis Center, And Studios Alberta (a project for low income and the disabled) have provided me with great support. And also my Doctor for helping me get stable and treat some of the acute and chronic mental health issues that have brought themsevles to bear (although I cannot really afford the treatment most of the time.) The Problem This time I really want to get away and make the crazy making stop. I don’t want to couch surf for another year or run away with a dependency on someone who might not be able to follow through. Most important of all, I don’t want to ever go back home, or end up homeless through any more of the manipulation. Its just what happens when everyone's so insanely on unequal footing. My biggest things will be securing a job transfer, or finding whole new employment so I can have my own income. Getting a place to live and finding a roommate. Getting there & around. Groceries. Being able to financially survive by meeting survival needs & rent incase a job or roommate fall through in the beginning. The basics, really. I am a survivalist. A lot of this comes down to financial support again, but if anyone knows of job opportunities or connections then I’m certainly grateful. The Solution I don’t make much money, I’ve been promoted twice which is great working in the hotel industry but its still just above minimum wage. I do have a savings goal and a very rough timeline, and I want to pull my own weight. I am not willing to play family politics or play their games in order to get any help from home. I just need an extra push really, so I am asking that others help me with 15% or so of my starting a new life. That comes out to be between 500 or 750. Honestly, anything helps, before or awhile after the move. The basic needs will come up. Ideally, this could go towards a damage deposit or a plane ticket. I don’t know many people and am kind of isolated these days. Actually really isolated, so maybe only a handful of people will see this. Even a dollar might help me get a bus ticket to get to a job interview, I know the micro is pretty hard to grasp for middle class people, but I've had many moments where that has litterally been what got me through. So please help me out.