I am applying to help fund my Bachelor of Arts -
Psychology degree pursuit in 2020.
At present I am employed as a Receptionist and have been since 2015 at South African Immigration Services
Getting a Career in the Psychological field would be a huge achievement for me, especially due to my past, and for the unanswered questions that I seek.
People in South Africa don't take mental health Seriously, and this is a situation which needs not to be taken lightly, as one’s mental illness can affect others if necessary Precaution is not taken.
I am not making excuses for Abuses, but i had someone with an illness abuse me as a child, someone thats suppose to protect me, it occured for years, and even though its Molestation, I grew up believing that what he was doing to me was ok, I often found myself going to look for him to do the things he did to me, and it affected me physically as well as emotionally Once I became a teenager and started understanding that i was being taken advantage of.
I feared dating and befriending males, I Isolated myself alot. I became very Jealous of other females because they were always ok near Guys and I was the weird one who didn't have any courage.
I stopped getting abused once i started High school, and i always wondered why he stopped.
I started liking and developing feelings for Guys but was to Afraid, When i did eventually start dating, I dated someone who lived far from me, and i was ok with that because I wasn't ready to be a “Girlfriend”, I was experimenting with my feelings to see if I could fill a void within me.
We dated for a while but then Because I wasn't giving into seeing him often and hanging out often he Cheated on me, and when he told me, I had an internal battle with myself. I looked at the matter from all perspectives and found reason for his wrong doings, so i confronted him and forgave him, but he still dumped me.
I couldn't take the rejection, I always avoided situations because I never liked being disappointed.
I Had a Deadbeat Father that I only saw at most 3 times a year. My moms Eldest son Molested me since the age of 4, from what I can remember , and I was Dumped and replaced by the first Guy i tried to take initiative with. I couldn't take the pain, so I tried to commit suicied.
My mom suffers from arthritis and she is on different medication. Every month she collected medication from addington. So i took a hand full of different pills and I swallowed them, an hour later I was miserable and I took another hand full. In an hour no effect so i took my 3rd handfull.
At the time my aunt was sick and dying so she needed my moms attention, therefore no- one knew what was going on with me….no one ever knew what was going on with me.
I started feeling Nauseous and i became delusional, My mom was with me as we shared a room, She asked me what was happening and I tried explaining, i felt like i was dying but very slowly. I started vomiting thick mucus and whatever was in my system. I don't know if She saw the capsules that were in my mucus, but I was never questioned about that night.
I don't know how I survived but the next day I was glad I was awake and I regret taking my life as it was not mine to take in the first place. It was the worst feeling ever and i knew i will never pull a stunt like that again, no matter how dark my path gets, i'll just keep living till my expiry date.
It wasn't easy, Its something I dealt with on my own for a very long time, but I never let my past define me, neither did I spiral out of control.
I want to help others, I want to study how the mind works, people change in behaviour, how does a person decide to do the things they do, how do people cope with the unknown.
I want to be there for others, because there was no one there for me.
I had so many people around me, yet I still felt alone.
I decided to tell someone, told my Eldest cousin and she couldn't believe i coped all these years on my own still facing the perpetrator every day. She then made me realise that I had to tell my mom, Gran and her sister as there are still kids- my nieces around who he could be targeting, at first I believed it was probably just me, that he hated me, so he did what he did. But I didn't want to take the risk and be selfish. So I told them, I was afraid they may not believe me.
Apparently my mom questioned him, but he didn't deny neither did he admit to his crimes.
My mom Swept it under the carpet, I was ok with that because I am an adult now, I only told them so that they can look out for the other Children.
My Grandmother was upset and she confided in my other Brother, and because I was able to talk about it, he spoke up as well about being molested by my mother's eldest son, my brothers fought over what happened with me. And when he spoke about being molested, my mom didn't believe him, she took her eldest son side.
I recently learned that my moms Eldest son Suffered from a mental issue when he was younger, but as usual my mom never took it seriously.
He took my Childhood from me, as well as my other Brothers Childhood.
I have 4 Brothers, 2 are biological, and the other 2 my cousins, raised by my mother as their mom died before I was born. The perpetrator being my Eldest biological brother, and the other victim being my Cousin whom was raised by my mom.
I want to study and find closure by helping others in their Mental state - anxiety, depression or substance-use problems, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, etc
I have been to other organisations, eg. SANZAF after I Matriculated.
This was around 2014/ 15 and when I told them about my field of interest, they told me I rather do teaching.
I thought about it, prayed about it and my heart just wasn't into it, therefore I never went back.
I always told myself that no matter how long it takes, my goal in life is to get my Honours in Psychology, and if ALLAH (SWA) blesses me to go further then Alhamdulillah I plan on giving it my all.
I am married and I have a 2 year old son, I know I have huge responsibilities, but inshallah I will find the time for my studies, because this is very important to me, and it's something in life I cannot allow people to keep from me.
I need this bursary as I do not get paid well enough to cover study expenses, we just barely get through with what we have, but we make shukr as ALLAH provides.
I'm 23, and I don't want to be a Receptionist all my life, I'm optimistic and I want better things in life, for my family as well.
I'm aware that South Africa doesn't take mental health as seriously as we suppose to. So employment isn't so much in demand. But I still see a future for myself with this career.