Concrete Angels

Forever changed.   I heard the foot steps coming and I knew this would be another long night And something inside me screamed this time it really isn't right The words he was saying were ruthless and cruel And each time he hit me I sat there and obeyed each and every rule I sat there blank faced and scared knowing I couldn’t cry For I knew what would happen if he saw the tears in my eyes   Each and every swing felt worse and worse And then all I wanted was to be dead in a hearse He got real close and whispered “Bitch I wish you weren't alive” And all I was thinking was you're right, I wish I wouldn't survive He threw against the wall then proceeded to pin me to the ground He hit me again, covered my mouth, not letting me make a sound   I started to struggle and tried to release myself of his forceful grip The next thing I heard was a loud, horrifying rip His hands were cold and I cringed at first touch I don't understand how a father could hate his daughter so much I froze and I couldn't believe that this was really going on I kept looking at the clock wanting him to be gone   I tried so badly not to think of the sharp pain And this wasn't part of his usual game I closed my eyes wishing the time would pass by And that next time I opened them I would be in the sky He pushed harder and harder and excruciating pain was all I felt The next thing I heard was the unbuckling of his belt   Something happened inside of me that I can not explain I got this surge of energy and said “if you and your reign” Somehow, some way I got out just in time But what he had already done will never get out of my mind From then on my life has been forever changed It was like all I knew had been rearranged I hate him with everything I have in me and so much more And one day I want to end this war.   Hello,  My name is Rachel, Im sorry to start of with such a horrible poem, buy hopefully it would of made you want to read more. I wrote the poem a couple of years after the event. I have been to countless therapy and counciling groups, after the incident. None of them successful. I was 13 when it all happned. I am now 24. Can you imagine chucking in a rock in a a calm lake? The Rock itself sinks to the bottom after time but the ripples grow and grow. The rape itself has been long forgotten even though the scars remain embedded on my body forever.  I used to be ok at school before the incedent, I wasnt super smart but i tried my best, after things got worse kids made fun of me, they had  nicknamd Rape Girl and prostitue, I decided school wasnt for me. I left with very little qualifications.  I at 24 have finally got my life together, after years of wasting time, jumping from job to job, trying to be invisable. Doctors have since then diagnosed me with bi polar disorder. Which explains alot, trying to do good but thinking so low of your self that you just give up. Ive tried ending this feeling of worthlessness, so many times its unbelievable.  Thinking back on My situation Things would of been alot better if i had some form of friend ship with another person who could relate to what has happened. Its all well and good seeing trained proffesionals but they lack a certian understanding, I had this one that every thing I said she gazed straight through me. I often wondered if she was thinking what she would like for dinner that night. I have had a long think about what I would like to do with my life. I want to help Girls that have been through similar experience. To be a suportive friend to help them understand that they are not alone. I would like to set up a charity that allows girls once a week to get to gether and just be teenagers in stead of a victim. Some where were they can be safe from judgemental people. some where were they dont have to be ashamed of what they are feeling inside, where they can express there feelings freely and openly. I would like to offer them a sort of safe haven. I would organise arts and crafts, ive already spoken to a couple of local organisations that are willing to donate there time to a worthy corse. For an example, the local hair and beauty salon have offerd to give the girls make overs and styling tips. The local Sports centre have offred the use of their pool for us for free.  Its working progress .And there is still much to sort out. This is why I would like to get some funding. Unfortunatly, not all companies have been so compasionate, many charge fees such as a location to hold such a place.  I have spoken to local schools as well as the school i attended, to see if there is a need for this type of charity, many have children who have been through similar, or worse.  I would like to eventually be able to support children of all backgrounds. Im currently undertaking a night course in college. I would like to eventually quailify to be a couniler.  I would like to appeal to your better nature and ask to donate.  Ive felt lost, confused and friendless for too long, Please let me help others. I wont give up on this, like i feel others have given up on me.  I can seriously make a difference. Thanks for reading, Ill keep every one updated on the progression.  Rachel C.