My name is Michael.I've struggled alot lately because of my childhood and the abuse I suffered.It bothered me throughout the years and I would bury it inside and continue on with life.My entire childhood till the age of 15 my father sexual abused me and now it's consumed my mind more then ever and I can't stop thinking about it,Especially the fact I blamed myself that it was allowed to continue for so long,It was all I ever known in between trying to take the normal times when it wasn't happening and just be a kid.I can remember so many situations inside feeling like Im going to lose it and feeling panicked in school,around friends,at work and in public.I learned how to appear normal while inside the fear and panic continued having thoughts like,do they know my secret?In school and until this day when people are having a conversation and I hear laughter or they are looking in my direction I fight the feeling,are they talking about me? It's hard to grow up that way and as a adult I've accomplished personal goals through work and holding managing positions,but then pressures of dealing with numerous people at times trying to appear in control I would panic and quit or do something to blow it.I've worked at alot of jobs in my life and always kept working,but I have had so many jobs in my life and I never planted my feet securing my future financially and having a home of my own.I was always considered a good employee because I learned so many different skills, but i can only get so far when the social aspect takes control.I had to force myself to realize many times in life that I'm not stupid and I can learn and succeed until my past demons would creep in stripping it all away.If I just tell about the sexual abuse I'm sure anyone would agree its a hard situation to have to grow up in, but there's the physical abuse and mental abuse also.My father wasn't the type to tell you he loved you and it's disturbing to me now that it bothered me he didnt when I was growing up under these conditions.My dad would call me stupid if I didn't do things right, or smack me across the face if I got out of line or being silly like kids do. Im one of 5 brothers and they got there share of smacks when misbehaving also, but the sexual abuse was something that my father did to me and they never expressed it happening to them.His concentration was on me and now looking back on it the planning he may have taken to have the opportunity to get me alone happened often.While all my brother's would ask to go places and do things as we grew up I was made to stay home,Sending my mother off to bingo or grocery shopping I realize were all for him to have the opportunity to get me alone.This and many more situations like it I grew up in,all the while keeping it secret and dealing with it on my own has caused me alot of pain throughout my life.There was one time when I believed it would stop when I was still fairly young,I'm guessing about 8 years old.We moved around alot while I was growing up an tod this was one of the first times living in South Carolina we have moved there from Florida,we originally were from New York.My father confessed to my mother what was going on,I guess because he was feeling guilty and he had gotten us into going to church.She confronted me about it,telling me she knew and it is still something that is fresh in my mind and the horror I felt is hard to describe.She questioned me and I had to go through the misery of feeling like it was my fault and that I had done something wrong.My father said it would end and my mother stayed with him and it could have ended there and instead told me to tell her if anything ever happened again,although it started back up again not to long after.She questioned me throughout the years and asked if things were ever happening and I would always deny if,I was to scared because my father told me she would leave us.The times she would leave to go grocery shopping or to bingo I would beg her to go with her crying and trying to tell her with my eyes, please take me with you.I would try to tell her in different ways without verbally saying it,I wanted everything to stop and I was to afraid to tell anyone.I look back at it and keep thinking why me?why so much suffering?I see people with normal lives and wonder what if it never happened?I'll never get to know what it's like to grow up normal.This is just part of the way I grown up and the list of situations I indured goes on and on,I'm struggling now more then ever with the effects this abuse has on me and my health.Depression is taking over more as I fall into a financial crises that is getting worse every day.I'm about to get evicted and the insurance on my vehicle is due by the end of the month and I will lose the ability to get around,making matters worse it's a late model car with over 180,000 miles on it and its been giving me problems.Im praying I could get the help I need medically as far as mentally and physically and not worry about being without a place to live.I'm reaching out to ask for help for the first time in my life because of the effects physical and sexual abuse has had on my me,I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't get the help I need soon.Im to afraid to get anyone close to me involved and expose this horrible secret so I've started this alone.I have fear this will bring little help,or none at all.I'm feeling desperate and hope starting this campaign I can get medical help I so greatly need and a better living environment then the one I live in,Thank you for reading my story and helping if possible.Even a small donation would greatly be appreciated and would certainly help.