Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor

Update posted by Michael G On Oct 13, 2019

I post about needing help,Im fully aware there may be skepticism,But you see i have lost support from the one's closest to me.I ask for help because i have no where else to receive it from presently,I keep faith this experience will guide me to my calling. https://t.co/5Q332FtuzI

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Update posted by Michael G On Oct 11, 2019

I experienced one of the most painfullest things just the other day,It hurt when my older brother turned on me,worse when mom did and as i litterly lost them one by one nothing compares to my youngest brother i always been close with telling me,Get over it!A chunk of my soul died that i will never get back. If i ever had anyone to stand by my side it was my little brother. It makes me wonder why all the lashing out at my parents about the abuse i had gone through after his injury. In other updates i explain about my confession to my little brother involving my abuse after the death of another brother. Please take the time to read my story and all my updates to better understand my journey as a sexual abuse survivor.

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Update posted by Michael G On Oct 08, 2019

I have been reading through my posts from the very start of this donation page, Im not a writer and things may seem erratic the way they are written at times and not even written properly. I have written down what im feeling at times and although its not so proper, its me trying to ask for help the best way i can. I am not only telling the biggest secret, but the biggest nightmare of my entire life to strangers hoping for the compassion i could not even get from my own family. I have been cast to the side now because i couldn't keep it in any longer and now there punishment for me is to act as though if i never existed. I know what lonely means now, but only if i were to ignore my heartache and suffering they would have never turned there backs on me.

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Dear Michael You have done the right thing, stood up, spoken out and told the truth. Those who protect the perpetrator are as evil and guilty as the abuser. Having no contact with them helps your healing. It must be hard and lonely at times but do that for yourself and you will find many interesting things to do and people to meet. Keep going, good luck !

Pirjo Kuvaja

Update posted by Oct 09

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Update posted by Michael G On Sep 28, 2019

My name is Michael.I've struggled alot lately because of my childhood and the abuse I suffered.It bothered me throughout the years and I would bury it inside and continue on with life.My entire childhood till the age of 15 my father sexual abused me and now it's consumed my mind more then ever and I can't stop thinking about it,Especially the fact I blamed myself that it was allowed to continue for so long,It was all I ever known in between trying to take the normal times when it wasn't happening and just be a kid.I can remember so many situations inside feeling like Im going to lose it and feeling panicked in school,around friends,at work and in public.I learned how to appear normal while inside the fear and panic continued having thoughts like,do they know my secret?In school and until this day when people are having a conversation and I hear laughter or they are looking in my direction I fight the feeling,are they talking about me? It's hard to grow up that way and as a adult I've accomplished personal goals through work and holding managing positions,but then pressures of dealing with numerous people at times trying to appear in control I would panic and quit or do something to blow it.I've worked at alot of jobs in my life and always kept working,but I have had so many jobs in my life and I never planted my feet securing my future financially and having a home of my own.I was always considered a good employee because I learned so many different skills, but i can only get so far when the social aspect takes control.I had to force myself to realize many times in life that I'm not stupid and I can learn and succeed until my past demons would creep in stripping it all away.If I just tell about the sexual abuse I'm sure anyone would agree its a hard situation to have to grow up in, but there's the physical abuse and mental abuse also.My father wasn't the type to tell you he loved you and it's disturbing to me now that it bothered me he didnt when I was growing up under these conditions.My dad would call me stupid if I didn't do things right, or smack me across the face if I got out of line or being silly like kids do. Im one of 5 brothers and they got there share of smacks when misbehaving also, but the sexual abuse was something that my father did to me and they never expressed it happening to them.His concentration was on me and now looking back on it the planning he may have taken to have the opportunity to get me alone happened often.While all my brother's would ask to go places and do things as we grew up I was made to stay home,Sending my mother off to bingo or grocery shopping I realize were all for him to have the opportunity to get me alone.This and many more situations like it I grew up in,all the while keeping it secret and dealing with it on my own has caused me alot of pain throughout my life.There was one time when I believed it would stop when I was still fairly young,I'm guessing about 8 years old.We moved around alot while I was growing up an tod this was one of the first times living in South Carolina we have moved there from Florida,we originally were from New York.My father confessed to my mother what was going on,I guess because he was feeling guilty and he had gotten us into going to church.She confronted me about it,telling me she knew and it is still something that is fresh in my mind and the horror I felt is hard to describe.She questioned me and I had to go through the misery of feeling like it was my fault and that I had done something wrong.My father said it would end and my mother stayed with him and it could have ended there and instead told me to tell her if anything ever happened again,although it started back up again not to long after.She questioned me throughout the years and asked if things were ever happening and I would always deny if,I was to scared because my father told me she would leave us.The times she would leave to go grocery shopping or to bingo I would beg her to go with her crying and trying to tell her with my eyes, please take me with you.I would try to tell her in different ways without verbally saying it,I wanted everything to stop and I was to afraid to tell anyone.I look back at it and keep thinking why me?why so much suffering?I see people with normal lives and wonder what if it never happened?I'll never get to know what it's like to grow up normal.This is just part of the way I grown up and the list of situations I indured goes on and on,I'm struggling now more then ever with the effects this abuse has on me and my health.Depression is taking over more as I fall into a financial crises that is getting worse every day.I'm about to get evicted and the insurance on my vehicle is due by the end of the month and I will lose the ability to get around,making matters worse it's a late model car with over 180,000 miles on it and its been giving me problems.Im praying I could get the help I need medically as far as mentally and physically and not worry about being without a place to live.I'm reaching out to ask for help for the first time in my life because of the effects physical and sexual abuse has had on my me,I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't get the help I need soon.Im to afraid to get anyone close to me involved and expose this horrible secret so I've started this alone.I have fear this will bring little help,or none at all.I'm feeling desperate and hope starting this campaign I can get medical help I so greatly need and a better living environment then the one I live in,Thank you for reading my story and helping if possible.Even a small donation would greatly be appreciated and would certainly help.

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Update posted by Michael G On Sep 13, 2019

I recieved a eviction letter yesterday and im trying to stay positive. I called a old friend a couple months ago i use to do some work for on his farm and asked if he still had a mobile home to rent, i helped him install the power in about 10 years back. He told me he still had it and it was still rentable so being i knew him for over 20 years i took his word for it, I lived a good bit away so i couldn't come check it out so i trusted him. I asked him questions about what was working and he informed me everything was fine, Even said it had a working refrigerator and stove. He did tell me i may need to get a window unit because the central air wasnt working, So i purchased one after packing up and come to stay in the mobile home. I used all the money i had to make this move and get further out into the country where its peaceful, My nerves have gotten worse and i had started to have alot of nightmares regarding my childhood. I never had issues all these years and certain events triggered a chain reaction that had me unable to concentrate and navigate through life like i always had. So when i arrived come to find out its not the same mobile home he lead me to believe it was and much smaller, The fridge does not work as many other things like water spickets throughout the mobile home.The ducts where the central air unit was hooked up to have no duct work on them so they are holes that lead straight to the ground, causing a mice infested and roach den, also the window air conditioner i purchased does no good because combined with the vents and poor insulation cool air escapes. Its a shame someone i once considered a friend insisted $550 a month is fair, Living here has been a nightmare. I want to give a little more of my story prior to moving here and why i thought at the time it was a good idea to move here and why i started to deal with more issues, I said i would tell more of my story so here goes. January 2019 of the new year i got a call from my mother that my youngest brother was injured in a home invasion that happened inside my parents house up north. My nephew had gotten into some trouble with some individuals who live in the area that my parents live, he was being accused of stealing something from these individuals. This lead to them kidnapping him and beating him up until he lead them to where they could retrieve what he was being accused of stealing, This was at my parents house where my brother and his family were staying. One of the individuals come inside with my nephew holding him at knife point causing a big altercation on New Years Eve morning, This in turn woke my brother who ended up trying to defend my family, My parents,his son and the rest of his kids. During the struggle my brother was stabbed in the back causing him to be paralyzed from the chest down for the remainder of his life. This was one of the hardest and unbelievable things that has ever effected my life besides the abuse I wrote about. I lost my older brother due to a motorcycle wreck in September of 2001, The same month the twin towers were struck and naturally i was concerned for my family because they were in N.Y and i was in SC and one of the planes that had gone down was not far at all from the area they lived in on the N.Y and P.A border, It was devastating after being relieved my family was fine after the attacks only to lose my brother not long after, It felt like a cruel joke. When i was in N.Y for his funeral and me and my little brother were alone and talking about growing up i told him what happened to me. I was grieving and also feeling mix emotions, Its one of the rare times i confided to someone about it, Except the other times i never revealed by who. I believe i wanted to make sure nothing ever happened to my little brother like what happened to me. Although i was very protective of him as we grew up and was almost sure, I had to be sure and so he found out that night our father sexually abused me. I wanted to take it back after coming out with it and i cant describe in that moment how he looked, The change in his body, the look on his face and overall devastation and how i shattered everything he knew about his life in one confession. I carry guilt around with me to this day for telling him, Bringing us back to the injurys he received and thinking about how his life has changed drastically. I believe things started to change for me right then, I constantly worried about him and him dealing with the complete change of his life. I would lay in bed trying to imagine every little thing he was suffering through, never walking, never being able to experience sex the same, not being able to use the bathroom and messing himself, everything i could think of he may be going through i tried to imagine it till i was tortured with the thought of him not wanting to live. He started to confide in me about how his injury's effected him and it wasn't far from what i imagined so i listened, but also would encourage him to fight and continue on with life and would tell him how i managed through life with the things that happened to me. Somewhere in all of this between him and i he started to lash out at my parents about what my father had done and how my mother remained with him. I walked the path of forgiveness all these years feeling like that was the only way i could make it through having gone through such a bazaar childhood, But i suffered silently and kept swallowing it down. I forgiven my father and my mother still lived in denial thinking it all ended back when my father confessed to her what he was doing to me. I thought it kept me sane and i managed ok considering all that i had been through. Something changed in me as my parents told me all the awful things my brother was saying to them and how it was all unfiltered and raw, Things i never said all these years. I was getting angry with my brother for using my life to lash out with while he struggled with his life being flipped upside down, I would write him and tell him hes taking everything i worked for through forgiveness away from my parents, that he had no right and to please stop. The more he did this i started to realize that all these years i was giving my parents what i considered the gift of forgiveness, I suffered! The insecuritys, the identity issues, self doubt, Shame, the nervous twitching, nightmares, image issues being extremely self aware and the countless other characteristics i picked up were all a direct cause stemming from my childhood and the abuse i suffered. I have had to go back and analyze my entire childhood and my journey right up to present day.Things that i dealt with mentally that i believed if i ignored i was getting by and surviving, now realize i may have caused myself more harm then good. All of these different thoughts im dealing with prompted me to confront my father again a couple months ago when i found out he was sick with bone cancer, my mom has been sick for awhile now and is on oxygen. I messaged my father telling him how i was angry and how he got away pretty easy while i suffered with many issues over the years and how selfish it was for what he did to me. I explained how i couldnt concentrate in school and that i was smart, but how could i learn under those conditions? I told him the insecurities i had feeling like people were talking about me if people looked my way while in conversation, something i still suffer with at jobs i had all the while trying to appear in control while freaking out inside. I layed it out all on the table and got nothing except denials, I wanted to feel like he took responsibility for his actions and realized my whole life could have been very different and i didnt get that from him. At one point my father done very well and now he is broke and sick. Money is not the fix all, but the last thing he proved to me is that he never considered his actions and his role in how it could have and has effected me. There is nothing to be left behind when my parents are gone. No security left behind to help with the damage he caused in the case i lived a very screwed up life all for his satisfaction and vulgar greed. I told him that if there was one thing that ever proved he was sorry i would have known by him thinking about his actions and setting up something for my future! I never needed the help till now and now i realize thats not coming. The last thing that's gonna hurt forever is the whole time i messaged him he was telling my mom everything i was saying and that she thought i was cruel to bring these things up after finding out he is sick. So i finally got on the phone with her to tell her things didn't end when he said it would. There was some shouting back and forth till i heard her say, seems like you turned out fine to me and she condoned his actions in that one statement, so i hung up and havent spoke to her since. I feel totally alone and the two people you think a person could rely on in this world are the very ones that has taken a active hand in doing the complete opposite. I did the best i could to tell more of my story, If anything is out of place or confusing i apologize. Thanks for reading



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Hello Michael I hope you have been doing ok despite of many hurdles you have to overcome. There is this man, philanthropist on Twitter, Bill Pulte @pulte who has compassion to help people who are doing tough. He has given a lot of money away helping many. He inherited a large amount of money from his grandfather. Its rare to see a person doing that in this world that has so much hate and greed. Check him out on Twitter. Stay positive and keep your faith and hope for a better future, you deserve it. Have a good day ! Pirjo

Pirjo Kuvaja

Update posted by Sep 24

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Thank you for your kind words and support, Its inspiring me to continue the fight for me as well as for others.

Michael G

Update posted by Sep 15

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Hello Michael I am very sorry to hear what happened to your brothers, first losing your older brother suddenly and then finding out your youngest brother had been paralysed. I hope he has faith and strength to do what he can in his situation. That mobile home situation is shocking, the owner has to make it livable to you. You have so many obstacles, try to tackle one at a time. There is this amazing woman Dana Arcuri on Twitter, she is very compassionate to help other survivors. She has written books and told she has cut contact from her toxic family members. Your writing style is good, honest and natural keeping a reader interested in. Continue writing, even its painful to write about harrowing ordeals but it’s relieving and healing too. I hope you can find peace and relaxation despite of many things you have to face. Have a lovely Sunday 😊

Pirjo Kuvaja

Update posted by Sep 15

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Update posted by Michael G On Sep 11, 2019

I plan to get a laptop one day to write and give more attention to my Twitter account,I'm really excited at the prospect I may be able to help and encourage others who have experienced what I have.My goal is to take this negative part of my life and .make something good out of it and positive.I am still trying to get myself in a more stable and relaxing environment and not doing so well financially,But from starting my Twitter page I have received so much encouragement and support from places I would have never imagined.Thanks to anyone who has read my story, Your kind words and encouragement have motivated me a great deal.Im not a writer,but one day I would like to write a book about my experiences living through sexual abuse from my father my entire childhood and navigating through life living with it.

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That is so great to hear, you are a true strong warrior 💪💪👏👏continue being positive on your healing journey 👍🙌

Pirjo Kuvaja

Update posted by Sep 11

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Update posted by Michael G On Sep 01, 2019

The photo was me when I was born, It was put in the newspaper under some article about child birth weight.The other is one taken of me and my brothers, of course I cropped it for there own privacy.

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Yes I believe a blog should be next thank you for your support, hopefully you got a chance to see my updates

Michael G

Posted On Nov 13, 2019

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Thank so much everyone for the support. Sending ❤️ your way. God bless!!!

Michael G

Posted On Nov 13, 2019

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I'm proud of how far you have come; from victim to survivor. Your story will help so many people and I believe sharing will help you heal. You should start a blog.

Connie & Ruthie Pruitt

Backed with $50.00 On Nov 13, 2019

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Dolly xxx

Wanda (dolly) Kostka

Backed with $7.00 On Oct 29, 2019

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Anonymous

Backed with $6.00 On Oct 26, 2019

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You are on the right track, the road is not easy but day by day your burden becomes lighter. Wishing you strength and resilience !

Pirjo Kuvaja

Backed with $5.00 On Oct 09, 2019

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Than you

Michael G

Posted On Sep 13, 2019

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Stay inspired and motivated, be always kind to yourself Blessings 🙏

Pirjo Kuvaja

Backed with $10.00 On Sep 11, 2019

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Scars will fade and pain will ease when you continue your healing journey finding happiness and peace

Pirjo Kuvaja

Backed with $5.00 On Sep 01, 2019

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Thank you very much!

Michael G

Posted On Aug 29, 2019

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Michael G

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Pirjo Kuvaja

Following Since Sep 27, 2019

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