My child is being legally forced to visit his father even though he has been telling his doctors and teachers and everyone else that he will kill himself if he has to go with his father.

He has explained how his father's abuse has traumatized him so much that he is afraid of his father and wants to kill himself.

He has described how he will do it. He even drew pictures of it while he was in the hospital.

He drew pictures of himself hanging from the ceiling.

He drew pictures of his arm with cuts all over it.

When he tried to hurt himself at school with scissors the other day, he told his doctor later that if his scissors had been sharp enough, he would have cut right through his whole arm.

That's what he wants to do to himself when he thinks about having to visit his father.

This is how traumatized this child is as a result of his father's abusive behaviour with him.

But apparently my child's life means nothing and nobody cares what happens to him. Nobody cares how he has already been so damaged by his father that he has been driven to harm himself and want to kill himself.

I submitted an emergency order to the Court explaining how the child faces irreparable harm because of how the child has been threatening suicide if he has to go visit his father, but the Court decided that I did not successfully prove irreparable harm.

I submitted hospital evidence of the child's suicide talk where he explains exactly how he is going to kill himself if he ends up having to go with his father and i submitted other evidence of abuse that shows how the child was traumatized in the first place and got to this point where he is going to kill himself...

but I failed to prove irreparable harm.

I was told by an advocate today that I need a lawyer. I guess I failed my child because I didn't have the thousands of dollars needed to successfully fight for his protection with a lawyer.

The Child Services worker says she does not feel the child is at risk with the father even though the child has been hospitalized 4 times in a few weeks, for self-harm and suicide ideation, stating that if he has to go with his father he will kill himself.

The father also cannot be trusted with any safety plan. I begged Child Services to understand this before he violated the last safety plan, but Child Services refuses to acknowledge that my prediction was accurate because they refuse to admit that their "safety plan" failed as they continue to insist that the way the father violated the safety plan was OK and not his fault.

My story may sound bizarre and hard to believe but every part of this story can be proven with documentation. I have had to condition myself to a lifestyle of having to prove what happens literally every minute of every day.

Everywhere I turn for help, the first thing that people tell me is that I need a good lawyer.

Every time I try to get legal help, I am dismissed because I just don't have the funds anymore to pay for legal services. It is scary that abusers are free to destroy children's lives and they can't be saved unless there is enough money to pay for a lawyer to fight for protection.

It is scary how powerful abusers are, and how much they are protected by the systems.

It is scary that the whole world is full of abusers who just do not care about children.

An über driver from a 3rd World country told me last week that he could not believe what was happening to my children in my case. He told me he was shocked to think that this could happen in a First World Country. He said that he escaped his 3rd World country to come to this side of the world so that he and his family could feel more safe. My story scared him.

I had to call über in the first place because I could not drive myself. I was physically shaking so much at the time that I could not even hold onto my cell phone as the school was calling me to tell me that they were sending my child to the hospital in an ambulance after he tried to hurt himself in school, telling everyone he is going to kill himself, telling his teachers that he is so afraid of having to see his abusive father that he wants to kill himself instead.

The bottom line for me now is that no matter how I tried to protect my children, I have failed them.

The abusers and the systems that protect the abusers are just too powerful.

No matter what evidence of abuse I have, and no matter how much danger my child is in right now as he says he is going to kill himself if he has to go with his father, nothing matters.

Today I have failed my child.

I may have to just give up.