"The calm before the storm" 😭💔

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days while we are here in the hospital (12 days and counting). Everything feels so calm and well - Cianne plays with us, doesn't feel any discomfort, IV line lasted for a good 11 days and so much more - we were just waiting to complete the 2 week antibiotics for her infection. The infectious disease doctor even told us we can go home for a while and have the iv meds administered by a nurse at home. We thought we are going home today and be back next week for her chemo. But at the back of my mind, I was getting scared about this "calmness"...

Today, our pedia onco, who came from a 1 week convention abroad and arrived last night, met with us this morning and delivered a news that made us panic. Cianne's rhabdomyosarcoma is stage 3 group 3 since there is a "small" part of the mass that touches the lining of her brain. Not in the brain yet (Thank God) but we need to stop it from going there. We were asked to make a very hard decision this morning - High dose or low dose chemo.

Higher dose would mean higher chance of complications and infections but chance of relapse is lower and getting completely cured is higher. Or lower dose - less negative side effects, less complications and infections but chances of relapse is very high. And we know that once a relapse happens to a cancer patient, the story ends...

We were lost for words when this was discussed to us. The never ending "How?" and "Why?" questions csme rushing but all I did was cry and asked the doctor to give us time to decide (but of course whatever is best for our little girl, we'll have to go that route)...

I think this is the storm I was preparing for but a storm I will never be prepared with...

Aside from the news we got, it also broke the little girl's heart knowing we can't go home today so I asked our doctor - no, i begged for it - that she allows us to go-out-on-a-pass (with a heplock) so we can go to Robinson's Manila. I know how happy my little girl is everytime she's at Tom's world and I would give everything just to see her smile, play and feel like a normal kid even for a while. Spent a good 3 hours playing with her and just following her around but I was crying most of the time. Imagine being in a happy place but tears just can't stop falling 😭

I can't help not to think about the days to come - what happens when her chemo starts, when all her beautiful hair starts to fall out, when she feels so sick and weak with all the chemo drugs given to her. So many questions in my mind but I can't seem to find an answer to all these 😭

To everyone reading this, if you know a family who've had the same journey as ours, please please help me get in touch with them 🙏🏻 especially those who survived this battle. I think I need to talk to people who successfully fought this monster to somehow lift our spirit up 🙏🏻

Thank you so much for all your prayers dear family and friends!!! We need more prayers for cianne 🙏🏻

One favor too, please hug your children extra tight tonight and know that you are very lucky and blessed to have healthy kids. Please don't get mad when they are too naughty or keeps on doing things that annoy you. Enjoy every minute of it and be thankful you are at the comfort of your homes and not in a hospital bed nursing a sick child 😔