Mentally illness Patient MDD,BPD,GAD,PDD SINCE 8YRS OLD

Hi .. (WARNING THIS CONTENT TRIGGER FOR THE MENTALLY ILLNESS PATIENT)

I cant really work due to my mentally illness problems . Day by day my condition becoming worse . Sometimes I cant even wake up from bed . Cant even eat . It was just like a body without soul that cant even died . Please im begging to all that reading this please help me just 1$ means everything for me coz in my condition Iam supposed to go to the hospital and stay there for more treatment but i had my brother i need to raised up taking care of also a lot of commitment that make me stop from going to the hospital . If im going there it will take a lot of time to go out grom the hospital .. How im going to pay for everything.. Please help me somebody just anyone or every one . Thanks in advance however to the someone that help .Allhamdulillah to muslims that help . And for other religion May God Bless You .

I was thankful from the bottom of my heart if anyone giving up a bit time of your life that very important to me .. First of all I'm Miss E (not an actual name i had to hide for some reason ) I was diagnosed as a Major Depression Disorder,Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder Traits And Persistent Depresive Disorder which means I was having the mentally issued years a go . My first suicide attempts when I was 8 years old I was inside room cutting my arms because inside me was hurt so much . I was raised by grandmother at the hometown hence my brother was raised by own mother and father at Kuala Lumpur city .. Everyday and every night I was crying alone and hopping that i could see my mom and my family . Its was hard to meet own family I guessed they was kind of bz with the job and my brother and forgetting me . Everyday I was witnessed that my grandfather scolding my my grandma in front of the many people but my grandma just standing there and look down . I'm fully of anger with my own grandfather my grandma had a small stall at that time . Beside my grandma stall they was my aunt stall she was always fought with her husband and they aren't fought like normal people do .. my aunt will go crazy like chasing my uncle with hawk like aggressively. It happens a very months and make me traumatised and there was some time that my grandfather had rope tied on me at the big tree just bcoz I'm back at 7pm .. that time I was crying until night and all my body was really hurt coz I got bitten Charlie ant. That time grandma was trying to help me but my grandfather said if she save me he will do it more even worse .I said to her it's ok I can bear this pain and I can see she was crying a lot that time because she can't help me . That time my body all hurt but energy was drained because I was being tied about 4 - 5 hours maybe. Then I saw my grandma was coming quietly and said that my grandfather was sleeping so she can release me now quietly . That time my grandma was saying sorry a lot coz she can't help me but I said I'm ok as long as my grandma are the one not beaten up . That time she prepared food for me since I was starving so much then she was put oil yo my body that was swollen bcoz got bit by a lot of Charlie Ant . After tomorrow morning my grandma ask me to just sleep inside room and not going out until my grandfather was going to work coz she don't want me getting tied again and hurt so my grandma was the one are get scold bcoz of me . After my grandfather going to work I going out and hug my grandma . She was still smiling even she gotten scold bcoz of me. I was thankful eventhought my own whole family was not with me . I glad that i had my grandma that loves me with all of her heart. Until there was a time that my grandma was hospitalised because of heart disease and blood pressure that time I was so down I saw her lying in bed with all the wires she can't speak to me . I saw she was so much in pain I was crying like crazy . I only had her in my life only her that love me with full of love .That time I can meet my mom and my family all those relatives was there ask about my grandma was crying and such . I'm actually having a lot of anger because they never ask about my grandma when she was fine no one know how hard she had to go through every single day bcoz of me my grandfather also my uncle that always been make things hard for her . I was pry to Allah hopping my grandma can be heal so that when I'm much older I can take care of her but' s Allah loves her more she gone .That time my heart was break into pieces because the one that i loves so much no longer in this world . I can't hug her , I can't see her smile when I showed her that I'm in 1st place at school how happy she was that time she said she was very proud of me. She said I didn't had much money to give you but I always pray for you and she kissed my forehead few seconds but i feel those loves until now . When I was sad i remember those memories those smile and and will try to keep going until . One day I was being bring to my mom house in the city I was thinking this might be a chance of me by getting my happiness from my whole family . Suddenly it's didn't happen that way I was sitting inside house between the rooms that my mom and brother was there and my father was in front of the door .Did u know what was the first question that they ask when I come and stay with them ? My mom ask me now who do you want to lived with ? I was crying a lot I said to them please don't do this I was really wanted to lived like a happy family that i always dreamt of. But then my father just go and leave me behind my mom hold my brother and act like nothing was happen I'm still crying mom stop how do I accept after my grandma died I wish I can lived happily with my own family . So that was first triggered that make me a suicide attempt at the 8 yrs old . Since that my life was never been happy that i was thoughts . I was abused by my own father if my brother was loud when he was sleeping sometimes therd nothing that I'll do I still got beat up he will use anything around him . Then beat me until all my body was ache until I was always skips schools and got scold a lot buy my mom . I once said to my mom that i got beat up but she will never heard me I was got beat up a lot with a rubber pipe until i cant get up . And also i got beat by the long steel several time plus i also got extra beat up because i was blocking my brother from beaten up by my father . I told my mom about that but she didint believe in me . After that i just accept if my father was beat me up . Once my gater throw some things to my face but it hit my ear then my ear had a split wound but still my mom didn't believe in me she said my father told her that I'm make mistake then he was teach me some lesson . I can't sleep at night since I was 8 years old . I had suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt few times but no one knows I kept it secret . Having no friends that u can talk with, no family that loves you , I had no reason to live that what I thought every night I was crying a lot I wish that i just could died . At the age of 14 there was my father relatives comes her sister in laws was right with my father brother then they had no pace to stay so my father let them in . At first I thought it was ok mybe this house will be a bit happier cause my aunt had 7 child but nothing was ever go as I will always dreamt off there was 1 my aunt sons that bigger than me always tries to sexually assault me but I manage to ran away . But one day when I was back from school I didn't notice that no one inside that house in that moment after that i heard the boy go voices calling me babe and he said he already wait this time a long a go . Then i was quickly ran uptairs he was harshly pulled my legs and throw me at the stairs i remwmber his nasty face and doing all those stuff . I was trembling and loudly said Allahuakbar then I kick him with all of my energy , this things before happens also when I was kids but it was female cousins doing those stuff at me and I can't tell anyone also who going to believe me . There was a time that my mom was sick and hospitalised . I'm actually the one that taking care of her no one else take care of her like me I was not sleeping and not eating well until I almost collapsed and my only best friend was coming to me and bought so much food for me to eat , After those happens I thought finally my mom can see me through all my effort but nothing was change . I'm not giving up I was doing everything I could but nothing change then I was overdose pills but still my parents don't know I was vomit all day and body temperature was high I'm actually just go to keep as secret but finally they notice why i was going to toilet frequently then I ask them I said I was gastric. My father was angry why did I trouble him at this night I was felling so down i thought it be success this time . I finally died but ya it's not . Then I got hospitalised and such they was looking for my parents to let them know that i was attempt suicide but after so many calls my father didint answer then the doctor just ask me is it im sucide attempt that time i insist said now i was headache and I take all the pills to make the pains go faster . The doctor said i cant get out until my parents comes I said to the doctor that i already ok and I had exam tmmrow and if I sick I will come again . I had to sign the documents myself. When I was 13 years old I had to endure all those pains by myself i was force going to school at the boarding schools so i can be a good daughter and my mom said I have to go there then learn more a religion because she said I was not a good daughter because I make a lot of friends with male . Because I don't like gossiping others people and I love playing football hang out with the boys . That year was the torture for me I was getting bullied a lot of things happen . Until one night the was some dude sneaking in to our dorms and trying to rape some one I was there and it makes me flashback and I was so terrified . After those inside I said to my mom if she sent again I will run away. Day by day nothing happy things happens I still got beat up by my father but this times I got bestie to shared with . The only bestie that know everything and support me and always bought me to hospital when I was sick . Always bring my bag bcoz my back was hurt by beaten up . There a year of my last schooling I had to stay with auntie that i said bfore the one that always fought with her husband but I had to still there to take my last Exam Paper for kat schooling . When I was stay there my place to sleep was every small that only fit me not include my clothes and books but I just accept coz it's their house anyway . But everyday I had to do all of the housecleaning, washing everything my aunt had 5 child incl her and her husband it was 7 people clothes and 7 people dishwash and 7people messed up. Sometimes when I'm to tired at school I'm not doing anyting then they did give me any food . I even starving for long time a day sometimes , then the only bestie that know everything come to me and bring all the food . When my aunt now she said to my mom I was stealing from here . I got beat up hard and get scold so much then my mom transfer me to other school . That time all my was change so much I didn't had a support friend with me anymore I was felling deppres for 2 years until my bestie manage to contact me back. We meet and we work together that time I was stay with my mom i had a diploma on some skills but I didn't work on that path bcoz those people that work at that place was al hypocrite and do everything just to make me quit . So me and my friend we work hard as mover we are girl but we lift those big furniture everyday with our own hands, we lift those big fridge to 3rd stairs that how hard our work is but we do it willing bcoz that was our job . Sometimes we didn't eat all.the money we just spend on foods and my mom cars and sometimes my mom ask me money I just give it I always had this feeling the guilty because almost of our money go to my mom include my bestie money she already thought my mom as her mom . But then there one fine day I don't know how , why this things happen that we got Chase out buy my mom . My father and my mother was hate her with all our doin this is happens . We had to sell all of our things that luckily have someone wanted to buy . So I can afford to pay for room rent the size of th is so small that can only fit queen mattress and can not walk without step on the mattress that how finally we lived and had only RM 300 to stay lived . I was being chase at 3am on the morning woth raining . And i was finding job day by day then i cant find one how pathetic am i . I was started to showing symptom of anger aggressively and was get clingy to my bestie . And i was hate my whole family so much but then later I was crying missing them and about what happen . I was hurt and broken to pieces and finally i can rent a bit bigger house and I rent a transporter and still working as a mover . But now I was not stronger them before i keep having anxiety and panic attack every day . I'm not going to see psychologists but I can't afford to go there every week coz of my money issue people with BPD tend to spend money much and not going to let their favourite people change . So I really can't change my therapist to a cheaper one . Pscychatric already change my medication several time but nothing was change much . I'm now also can't walk much plus I had to raised up my little brother bcoz my mom said he was same like me . I had no reason to live actually but had to lived because of Allah , my brothers and my only one 10yrs bestie . My heart was stopped 3 times already when my anxiety and panic attack come. Luckily that time my bestie doing CPR so many times then only I can breath . I know I had to go the hospital but I if I was hospitalised I had no source of income . And i need to buy wheelchair for myself bcoz when panic attack or anxiety attack happen I can walk . Every time I eat doctor medication my body was all fatigue I sometimes can't even going to th toilet on my own . No one now how people had MENTALLY ILLNESS are sick is how did they suffer alone all they kept to themselves and now I can't afford to go therapist,buying wheelchair,support my meals when my episodes is getting worse I can't even wake-up. Here is my last choice I'm truthfully and with full of my heart asking if someone can help me and FUND ME . Thanks for reading some of pathetic story .. I'm hope that someone there can help me . Thankyou