It’s my first time doing something like this so it’s hard to find the right words.
It’s uncomfortable for me to ask for help, but when life loses all its color, you have to swallow your pride and speak up. That’s why I’m here.
For start, call me “Matthew”, cause I’m not very fond of my real name. I’m turning 22 this December.
And, I don’t have a job, for almost three years now. Why? Because, as it turns out, a better part of my life I’ve been living with mental impairment and I need to seek a therapist.
Back in 2015, I graduated as a car mechanic and afterwards, I didn’t knew what was next, but everyone kept telling me to start looking for a job, preferably as a mechanic, because that’s what my diploma said.
But instead, I did nothing, because everything felt wrong to me and I was not able to make decisions.
In those three years, for doing nothing with my life, I was somehow in debt to government and it felt so unfair, to be forced to pay and get the job at the same time. I had major depression episodes, anxiety, panic attacks and even mental detachment from yourself and your surroundings. At one moment, I was not able to look at my reflection in the mirror, because of how terrifying that was to look at yourself and not feel any connection.
In those three years, I lost most of my friends, because of my inability to connect with them, to talk, enjoy conversations.
I wanted to be a writer, I even finished writing one book, but now, it feels like this dream belonged to someone else.
Actually, last years, I did had a job, here in my village, but I lasted for only six months. At that time, I was also trying to study, because I thought that changing my qualification might help, but it didn’t. So I dropped out of school, I left my job and here I am, still stuck, not knowing what is wrong with me.
This summer, I went to see a psychiatrist. I was not able to control my anxiety. I even carved word “GO” on my left palm so to remind myself of what must be done. Yes, that is a solid form of self-harm, and now, my wrist has a lot of stories to tell.
I was on medications, but since this was not a chemically related issue, nothing helped.
On my next appointment with psychiatrist, doctor gave me two options. Either to talk with a specialist, as in therapist or… to go to psychiatric ward and be laid in bed, because I opened my mouth and confessed about having suicidal thoughts. I was hurt of how little compassion she showed me then so I left the room, got back in my car and started to cry.
I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t. My only other option is to seek a therapist, but what’s even worse, there are no such options in the city close to me. Not just that, but even getting a part-time job is impossible here, I have little to choose from, because I live in a Village.
So my plan is to start therapy, get better and slowly “stand-up” on my feet.
Since my family can’t cover my much needed treatment, I here asking for help from people around the world, but… knowing that I’m not the only one doing this, that there are millions of others on internet asking for such help too, well… my chances are small, but I’ll try to stay hopeful and be grateful for any donation. Thank you for your time.https://www.paypal.me/MNaikus