There has been some road blocks on my journey to treatment. I was supposed to go to Casa Palmera, however my insurance denied it due to my 1st priority was mental health. Great news though, I was accepted and am at Creative Care, a dual diagnosis program.
With a lot of humility I am asking my friends, family and even strangers to donate so that I can seek treatment for my mental health. I have been battling major depression the majority of my life. The depression stems from severe PTSD from trauma I endured as a child. I have always been able to put my best foot forward, a fake face on and pretend that everything is ok. Only few people know of the true suffering I deal with on a day to day basis. The way that I have dealt with that pain was inflicting pain onto myself, then in the last few years, life has become almost unbearable. Not only did I resume hurting myself. I began to use medications to help subside the pain of being depressed and anxious all the time. Well, the last few months proved to be even harder to bear. On February 19th, I attempted to take my life by consuming the very pills I use to cope with every day life and cutting my wrist. My suicide attempt obviously was an epic fail, that is how I see it. Most people would see it as God intervening because it wasn't my time. If I am going to be honest, I will say, I am angry that I am still here. Most people are relieved that their attempt was intercepted. I on the other hand am thinking, "how can I do it better the next time." The pain is just to unbearable. I have children (7) and (4) who I know would utterly suffer with my decision to end my life. But when you are in as much pain as I am in, it is hard to think, "what is in the best interest of your children." I do love my children with everything in me, but to go one more day, one more hour, one more minute feeling this way, I just don't have it in me to fight it any longer. I have lost the fight to my mental health disease. To be dependent on medication to barely make it through the day, makes me feel even that much more of a failure. I grew up in a household of addicts and I swore I would never be one and here I am an addict to medication. With all of this, I finally realized that I can't fix myself, no matter how hard I try. I want to be happy and I can't remember the last time I was happy. I want to sleep without nightmares of all horrors that happened in my childhood. I want to be at peace. I don't want my kids to grow up dealing with the emotional damage a parent who commits suicide would cause. I have for many years known I needed treatment. I just thought I could cure myself. After my failed suicide attempt, and not feeing a sense of relief that I was not successful, I realized I needed to surrender, because I can't care for myself. I know it is a lot to ask to give money. However, I promise it is going towards a good cause. Saving my life. Giving me some peace, happiness and most of all saving my boys from not having a mom present. I would even consider it a loan, I am that desperate. I know that if I don't get the help I need soon, my next attempt, I am almost certain will be a success. I think about it everyday, tweaking it, making sure it is perfect. I look at my two beautiful boys and think how can I think and feel this way, I know it is selfish, but if you have ever felt emotional pain, it is one of the worse pains to live with. It is hard to breathe, hard to do the things you once loved to do. It is paralyzing. The family I do have aren't supportive with the exception of my husband, uncle and of course my children. I am not the only one who is suffering. My children are suffering as well. They watch me cry on an ongoing basis, they themselves trying to make mommy not cry, which isn't there job. They wonder why I am in bed all the time. Why doesn't mommy want to play or read to them. I want to do all of these things, I just don't have the energy. It almost hurts to do those things. So, I ask not only for myself but for my children. Help me save me.
As I stated at the beginning, I am now at Creative Care treatment. I still need donations to fund the treatment. They are working with me on payments. I can only hope that I will conitnue to get donations as I journey thorugh this process.