Treatment to Save a Life, Debbie Cellan’s Life!
Fundraising campaign by
Debbie Cellan
-
US$2,390.00raised of $6,000.00 goal goal
The campaign owner has stopped the page from accepting further donations. Please contact them if you'd still like to donate
Campaign Story
There has been some road blocks on my journey to treatment. I was supposed to go to Casa Palmera, however my insurance denied it due to my 1st priority was mental health. Great news though, I was accepted and am at Creative Care, a dual diagnosis program.
With a lot of humility I am asking my friends, family and even strangers to donate so that I can seek treatment for my mental health. I have been battling major depression the majority of my life. The depression stems from severe PTSD from trauma I endured as a child. I have always been able to put my best foot forward, a fake face on and pretend that everything is ok. Only few people know of the true suffering I deal with on a day to day basis. The way that I have dealt with that pain was inflicting pain onto myself, then in the last few years, life has become almost unbearable. Not only did I resume hurting myself. I began to use medications to help subside the pain of being depressed and anxious all the time. Well, the last few months proved to be even harder to bear. On February 19th, I attempted to take my life by consuming the very pills I use to cope with every day life and cutting my wrist. My suicide attempt obviously was an epic fail, that is how I see it. Most people would see it as God intervening because it wasn't my time. If I am going to be honest, I will say, I am angry that I am still here. Most people are relieved that their attempt was intercepted. I on the other hand am thinking, "how can I do it better the next time." The pain is just to unbearable. I have children (7) and (4) who I know would utterly suffer with my decision to end my life. But when you are in as much pain as I am in, it is hard to think, "what is in the best interest of your children." I do love my children with everything in me, but to go one more day, one more hour, one more minute feeling this way, I just don't have it in me to fight it any longer. I have lost the fight to my mental health disease. To be dependent on medication to barely make it through the day, makes me feel even that much more of a failure. I grew up in a household of addicts and I swore I would never be one and here I am an addict to medication. With all of this, I finally realized that I can't fix myself, no matter how hard I try. I want to be happy and I can't remember the last time I was happy. I want to sleep without nightmares of all horrors that happened in my childhood. I want to be at peace. I don't want my kids to grow up dealing with the emotional damage a parent who commits suicide would cause. I have for many years known I needed treatment. I just thought I could cure myself. After my failed suicide attempt, and not feeing a sense of relief that I was not successful, I realized I needed to surrender, because I can't care for myself. I know it is a lot to ask to give money. However, I promise it is going towards a good cause. Saving my life. Giving me some peace, happiness and most of all saving my boys from not having a mom present. I would even consider it a loan, I am that desperate. I know that if I don't get the help I need soon, my next attempt, I am almost certain will be a success. I think about it everyday, tweaking it, making sure it is perfect. I look at my two beautiful boys and think how can I think and feel this way, I know it is selfish, but if you have ever felt emotional pain, it is one of the worse pains to live with. It is hard to breathe, hard to do the things you once loved to do. It is paralyzing. The family I do have aren't supportive with the exception of my husband, uncle and of course my children. I am not the only one who is suffering. My children are suffering as well. They watch me cry on an ongoing basis, they themselves trying to make mommy not cry, which isn't there job. They wonder why I am in bed all the time. Why doesn't mommy want to play or read to them. I want to do all of these things, I just don't have the energy. It almost hurts to do those things. So, I ask not only for myself but for my children. Help me save me.
As I stated at the beginning, I am now at Creative Care treatment. I still need donations to fund the treatment. They are working with me on payments. I can only hope that I will conitnue to get donations as I journey thorugh this process.
Organizer
- Debbie Cellan
- Campaign Owner
- US
Donors
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 07, 2016
Well, its been 2 1/2 days since I have been here in treatment. Typically you are supposed to detox off medications that they deem inappropriate to take. For me it would be the pain medication and Klonopin. However, the doctor didn’t want me to do get off of them till he saw me on Monday. This was frustrating for me because I had the mind set to get off these medications. So, I took it upon myself to get off of them myself without any medication that the facility would provide to help with any withdraw side effect. What a wrong choice to make. I was and felt like I was dying. My whole body hurt, my blood pressure was through the roof. The nurses keep saying you need to take the medications, because we can’t give you the medication that would help. I finally had to give in and take the medication. This was so irritating because I was in the mind set of getting off of them. Now I am nervous about what is to come when they do take me off of them. The facility is nice. I get to wake up, grab a cup of coffee, step out side and see and hear the ocean, what a beautiful sound and sight to see. I am not allowed to have my phone or Ipad until I reach level 2. However, I told them that I needed to listen to music when I sleep, that if I didn’t ’have the music I couldn’t sleep. They allowed me to keep my Ipad, but no access to the internet. I asked my roommate if the music bothered her, if she could hear it. She kept telling me no. Then last night, staff approached me and apparently she had been complaining about my music. I was so angry. I began to cry, thinking, I kept asking her if the music was bothering her. (2) other patients asked me what was wrong. I told them. I then turned the i-pad on and they said they couldn’t even hear the music. So, I came to the conclusion that it was all about the I-pad. I was so furious that I just didn’t think I could be her roommate. I ask about being moved. Well she gets moved to one of the houses and i have to stay in the nurses house. I felt like I was being punished. It was a difficult night, I truly was ready to just go home. I then was able to skye my kids, which reminded me why I am here. Then getting on here and this reminded me that i have backers who are supporting me while I go though this journey. Today, I guess is going to be a hectic day. I am anxious a bout it. But excited to get my treatment plan set in motion. Thank you all again for supporting me. One last thing. Even though I am still here. I still need the support so please continue to share my story. I continue to hope that I get fully donated by the time I leave here. They are going to not take full payment until I leave. So I wrote them a check for what was donated thus far so please share. Thanks again. I will continue to keep you all posted.
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 07, 2016
Anita- Thank you for reminding me that I am valuable to people. I have forgotten that I have a role in helping others. You were one of my favorites. Thank you for your generosity I think of you and the other girls all the time. Always hoping that life is treating you well. You truly are an amazing young lady. Thanks isn’t enough!
End of Treatment
Update posted by Debbie Cellan at 08:35 pmWell my insurance stopped paying my treatment placement as of Monday, so I came back home on Saturday. What a journey. I have a long road ahead of me. A lot of work to do here at home. It has been more overwhelming being here at home than i thought. . . . .
Ticket Has been Purchased, leave Friday!
Update posted by Debbie Cellan at 02:08 pmWell I am leaving on Friday! I have purchased my ticket, but still hope that I will get more donations to pay for the rest!
Donors & Comments
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 18, 2016
Well, today marks 2 weeks into my treatment it’s been rough. I think the hardest part is being away from my kids, obviously. The other hard part was doing my first step. In doing my first step, I had to face a lot of things about myself that I wasn’t aware of. The biggest revelation that came out in doing my first step was how dependant I was on my pain medicstion. My pain medication really controlled my life. This was hard to process as I never wanted to believe that I truly was an addict. I have a lot of amends to make once this journey ends. The next scary thing that is about to happen is I won’t have any more pain pills to take as of March 20th. They didn’t just take me off the meds, which I would have preferred. They did a slow taper. What’s ironic is that Severen birthday is March 20th and that is the day that I can say is my first day of not taking any pain medication. This was ot planned, so it was so ironic. I am looking at it as if it is a birthday present for Severen. Mommy not taking pain medications any longer. Now the next step is to figure out how to manage my back pain without the medications. This part is also scary. I used this medication to mask that pain for so long, to work out, that this taper of the meds, I have been in immense pain. I could totally see how I would relapse if I was not in treatment at this time. So, when I came out here I thought 30 days would be it. They are now trying to talk me into staying longer. They feel that I would benefit more from an extended stay. I do see how it would be beneficial, and I probably should consider it, but I am not sure I could go much longer without seeing my children. We can afford for me to be out of work. There are to many obstacles in the road that interfere with me staying longer. Finances being the biggest one, and of course being immensely homesick. So, I don’t know. We’ll that is all I got for today. Thanks again to those that donated to my cause. And to those that couldn’t donate but are pray I ng for me. Thank you, the support is so much appreciated. I mean what I say when I say, you all have done more for me than my own family has. I’ll of course post again.
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 07, 2016
Well, its been 2 1/2 days since I have been here in treatment. Typically you are supposed to detox off medications that they deem inappropriate to take. For me it would be the pain medication and Klonopin. However, the doctor didn’t want me to do get off of them till he saw me on Monday. This was frustrating for me because I had the mind set to get off these medications. So, I took it upon myself to get off of them myself without any medication that the facility would provide to help with any withdraw side effect. What a wrong choice to make. I was and felt like I was dying. My whole body hurt, my blood pressure was through the roof. The nurses keep saying you need to take the medications, because we can’t give you the medication that would help. I finally had to give in and take the medication. This was so irritating because I was in the mind set of getting off of them. Now I am nervous about what is to come when they do take me off of them. The facility is nice. I get to wake up, grab a cup of coffee, step out side and see and hear the ocean, what a beautiful sound and sight to see. I am not allowed to have my phone or Ipad until I reach level 2. However, I told them that I needed to listen to music when I sleep, that if I didn’t ’have the music I couldn’t sleep. They allowed me to keep my Ipad, but no access to the internet. I asked my roommate if the music bothered her, if she could hear it. She kept telling me no. Then last night, staff approached me and apparently she had been complaining about my music. I was so angry. I began to cry, thinking, I kept asking her if the music was bothering her. (2) other patients asked me what was wrong. I told them. I then turned the i-pad on and they said they couldn’t even hear the music. So, I came to the conclusion that it was all about the I-pad. I was so furious that I just didn’t think I could be her roommate. I ask about being moved. Well she gets moved to one of the houses and i have to stay in the nurses house. I felt like I was being punished. It was a difficult night, I truly was ready to just go home. I then was able to skye my kids, which reminded me why I am here. Then getting on here and this reminded me that i have backers who are supporting me while I go though this journey. Today, I guess is going to be a hectic day. I am anxious a bout it. But excited to get my treatment plan set in motion. Thank you all again for supporting me. One last thing. Even though I am still here. I still need the support so please continue to share my story. I continue to hope that I get fully donated by the time I leave here. They are going to not take full payment until I leave. So I wrote them a check for what was donated thus far so please share. Thanks again. I will continue to keep you all posted.
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 07, 2016
Anita- Thank you for reminding me that I am valuable to people. I have forgotten that I have a role in helping others. You were one of my favorites. Thank you for your generosity I think of you and the other girls all the time. Always hoping that life is treating you well. You truly are an amazing young lady. Thanks isn’t enough!
- Anita
- Donated on Mar 05, 2016
Where would I be without you?? I am so grateful for your help and support in my time of need. Because of your help I am able to live a happy life and I will be praying for you to have the same. Just the other day I was thinking of walking around Rimrock with you when I was so sad and anxious. You knew the break was exactly what I needed. How can I ever thank you for all you have done for me? I pray that you have people as wonderful as you to help you through. Please take care and know how much you mean to so many!
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 05, 2016
Thanks to the recent donations. I wasn’t sure I’d get any more. Thank you for helping me get the help I need. Truly much appreciated. I am driving to the treatment place now with much anxiety of the unknown. Those that donated made it possible. I plan on keeping a blog so you all can go on this journey with me to see how your contribution truly helped someone with a mental health illness. Mental health illnesses is a disease not talked about but you that supported me made me feel like there was nothing to be ashamed of to get the help I needed. Luke I have said you all have done more for me than my own family has in my entire life.
- Anonymous
- Donated on Mar 04, 2016
Thinking of you & hoping you find peace.
- Leanne Swanson
- Donated on Mar 04, 2016
I'll be praying Debbie! You are worth the hard work of this journey!
- Debbie Cellan
- Posted On Mar 04, 2016
Thanks to the recent donations. It is so much appreciated.
- Anonymous
- Donated on Mar 03, 2016
Praying for you Debbie, God has a plan, trust in HIM! Love and Blessings, Lyndsay
- Anonymous
- Donated on Mar 02, 2016
Well, today marks 2 weeks into my treatment it’s been rough. I think the hardest part is being away from my kids, obviously. The other hard part was doing my first step. In doing my first step, I had to face a lot of things about myself that I wasn’t aware of. The biggest revelation that came out in doing my first step was how dependant I was on my pain medicstion. My pain medication really controlled my life. This was hard to process as I never wanted to believe that I truly was an addict. I have a lot of amends to make once this journey ends. The next scary thing that is about to happen is I won’t have any more pain pills to take as of March 20th. They didn’t just take me off the meds, which I would have preferred. They did a slow taper. What’s ironic is that Severen birthday is March 20th and that is the day that I can say is my first day of not taking any pain medication. This was ot planned, so it was so ironic. I am looking at it as if it is a birthday present for Severen. Mommy not taking pain medications any longer. Now the next step is to figure out how to manage my back pain without the medications. This part is also scary. I used this medication to mask that pain for so long, to work out, that this taper of the meds, I have been in immense pain. I could totally see how I would relapse if I was not in treatment at this time. So, when I came out here I thought 30 days would be it. They are now trying to talk me into staying longer. They feel that I would benefit more from an extended stay. I do see how it would be beneficial, and I probably should consider it, but I am not sure I could go much longer without seeing my children. We can afford for me to be out of work. There are to many obstacles in the road that interfere with me staying longer. Finances being the biggest one, and of course being immensely homesick. So, I don’t know. We’ll that is all I got for today. Thanks again to those that donated to my cause. And to those that couldn’t donate but are pray I ng for me. Thank you, the support is so much appreciated. I mean what I say when I say, you all have done more for me than my own family has. I’ll of course post again.