Thetransn3xtdoor: Comin’ Out of the Cocoon

Hi! I'm Fairy. It's my childhood nickname.

When we were young, we got asked what we wanted to be in the future. I said, I liked to draw. So, my parents deduced that I better be an architect. And, for a while, it held up. But then, there was something the young me just couldn't quite articulate: drawings of multi-storey houses with giant windows, a veranda overlooking a huge garden with myriad flowers---and a husband to build a home in it with. No, I didn't want to be an architect. I wanted to be a successful woman who would go home watching my kids play with my husband outside the window. Grow all grey haired with him as we watched our children grow over a cup of tea. What simple life. I thought it wasn't much to hope for.

But then, we grew up and realized that not all that we dreamt of came as handy just because we deserved them.

Later on, in life, I gazed as time warped my body in a form that discorded the life that I wanted to lead. It was painstaking to see how my dreams were muddled in the background by the inevitable fact that I nourished such a dream in a male-typical body. As soon as that recognition sunk in on me, I gave it a backseat in my head and tried to avoid discussing myself. I ran aloof from everyone. Even to myself. I built a COCOON around me so I could remain a woman inside without anyone telling me that I'm not. They called me 'gay' for so. But the term didn't fit just right for me. I didn't act violently against the term, but I did not acknowledge it either. I'm a girl---nothing less. And, in order to be a good mum or wife or a careerperson, I had to be at peace with myself first.

Gender Dysphoria is real and it's only insignificant if you don't have it. People my age get to think of different things in life like careers, family, investments but until I can express myself fully, I'm in doubt that I'd ever be capable of focusing on those. It's not about comparing myself with others, it's about affording myself the starting point. I know you would agree with me when I say, "We can't really do or be anything without us knowing and being ourselves first." And this is what I needed the surgery for.

Gender Confirmation Surgery is a way to reconcile the body with the psyche. It's akin to giving a child born hard of hearing a hearing aid, or someone born with problems with gait a therapy. It's a necessity if one chooses to fully transition. I have run from the concept for so long now, focusing on supporting my parents and siblings to school first. But now, my body longs to feel more myself. I need it. They say that the richest place on earth is the cemetery---cause there is where you find unrealised gifts, unactioned passions and even hidden selves. Let my case not be one of those flourishing only at my deathbed.

The surgery would cost a huge amount of money and despite my preference not to ask aid from others as much as possible, I have come to the enlightenment that I can't do this alone, given the load of responsibilities I shoulder at home. And with that, I humble myself before the world to extend help to my long-shelved transition. No, I don't think that it was a mistake waking up to this body. I consider it a challenge---just like children born with difficulties hearing or walking. Even beautiful pearls are found inside shells they probably wouldn't have chosen for themselves, either. But pearls, they do need to get out of their shells so we can lay eyes on them. So, please help the pearl in me shine by making my body mirror it just the right way.

I owe you my deepest gratitude in advance for your support.

P.S.

If you encounter errors with the donate button, you may try a online / mobile banking transfers to the belowlisted account instead:

Bank: Bank of the Philippine Islands (BPI)

Accnt #: 4169286898

Again, my sincerest gratitude.

---Fairy---