striving towards a better tomorrow

This is the story of my life for the past two years. It starts out in long beach California I was living with my now x wife in a three bedroom apartment, one room for me and my wife one room for the to boys,  and one room for the two girls. Things were not going good for us on a daily basis we were arguing and bickering. It was not a good relationship and not conducive to a healthy life. She had enough and filed for divorce, needless to say I was devastated. I thought about my children with both their parents in their life. My eldest of four was only 10 at the time, I was troubled and depressed. We parted, I moved into the first hose my parents ever bought after 18 years of saving, and she moved into a one bedroom apartment, with the kids. I knew this was only temporary until I could recollect myself. My sister proposed a venture she would purchase  auction homes on the internet and I would fix them. Well sounded good at the time. My thought was, with all the money we'll be making I would be able to give my x wife and my children a debt free home so she could raise the children with out worrying about paying rent. I told my sister lets go for it well be rich in no time. Well the plans one makes don't always turn out as one thinks. We weren’t prepared for what life had in store for us. Before leaving I hugged and kissed all my kids. I remember holding my youngest boy and telling him, I won't be able to see you for about one year, not until your much bigger. He didn't understand much about time, as he was about two years old. I told my children, I promise won't cut my hair until I see you again. It will  remind me of how much time has passed since we were last together. And when I come back home, were all going to the barber and chop it off. My children didn't understand that I was going cross country to the other side of the united states. A few months earlier we had taken a trip to new york to visit a friend that lived with us and now is living in new york. I told my kids remember when we went to visit our friend, and how  it took us days to get there. That’s how far I have to go I impressed on them . Hence the pic on the profile from our trip. They got a better understanding that I was going to a far away place. I kissed them said my goodbys.  Well my sister had some money saved up for the venture. I purchased a mobile trailer so I could live out of it as I worked on the homes, It needed major repairs . I sunk all that I had left and sold all my stuff to get the trailer done, I ended up with just enough money for the trip. Unexpected happenings in life, news my mom gets a stroke, and she lives in another country. My sister said I have to leave and go to mom. I was bad new but she still had a decent amount of money in the bank I was figuring about 3 to 5 thousand to paint the homes and do some minor repairs and place them on the market we still had enough. After all the house in Pennsylvania looked just like it needed painting and new carpeting, it would be sell-able. We were still in business, I finished the trailer, got packed and left to provide a better life for me and all my family. We had bid on 3 houses and luck had it we won all 3 bids. The homes all had huge amounts of back taxes owed, and a couple needed serious repairs. We figured If we fix the Pennsylvania home first and we'll be out of the red. I went to see the Detroit house first as we had received letters from the city, if we don't board up the house and fix the broken roof,  were going to get fined. Since it was only a few miles from Pennsylvania, why not go there first and board it up. I arrive at Atlanta, and the house has some serious damage. It's been broken into and the  back  walls are falling, off I'll deal with it later. I board up the house and head off for Pennsylvania. Upon arrival I look at the house OK not too bad, I open the door and I walk into a solid wall of musty foul air. Horror the house was sitting on it's own private lake. The basement had been flooded for a couple of years and Nothing is salvageable. I have to completely gut everything  down to the stud, Spray the mildew on the exposed wood and leave to dry. The basement has to be excavated all around the house. I have to seal and fix all the broken walls. My dream has come crashing down. Well no need to cry over spilled milk. It’s summer time and I start gutting the house. Two tons of material removed later I'm only ¾ of the way done. Her funds are starting to to run low. She is using it to treat my mom, and I'm settling the city taxes and for the year. The unexpected expenses are eating majorly at the savings she had. My only hope is my sister will be back soon. I'm a bit worried how am I going to finish this house. We didn't plan on the complete restoration. The money runs out. I get a few different odd jobs nothing solid that lasts. I can't have a job and work on the house. I'll never get the house finished. I get a beak there is a construction company hiring yes my big break, I'm all enthused about it, it's a long drive but at least I’ll be able to make some money. My first day of work, it's new construction and I’m a laborer. I have to haul the lumber and exterior paneling up to the second floor, it's 85º . I haul the wood up after an hour and a half of serious strength draining non stop work I get a dizzying spell, manager gives me a bottle of water he says I got to keep hydrated the last guy that applied threw up and was let go. I realize my stamina is failing me. The manager walks over and sees I can't keep up the material supply, he tell me it’s only going to get harder. I'm disillusioned I tell him I'll try harder, ten minutes later I go throw up on the side of the house I’m sent home. I find a couple of odd jobs here and there, I take what I can get; cleaning offices etc nothing full time. What kind of night mare is this. In a few months winter will be creeping in. Winter has arrived  I’m in a small town can't find a good job even though I try. I''m lucky so I think there is a restaurant opening up and they are hiring ill take anything available. At this time I'm so desperate for money ill do anything to get a job there. I apply for the only position I now how to do at a restaurant since I have no restaurant experience. I get a job as a dishwasher at 9.50 an hour. I figure well at least I'll have enough to send to my x wife and kids and save a bit. I figure it's enough and I'll be able to get my kids toys for Christmas. At the interview they notify me the position is only 30 hours a week possibly more. What do I have to loose better than nothing I say. Winter is creeping in and I can't find a job anywhere else so, I take it. After all in a month and a half it'll be sunny again. I can continue job hunting 4 months later and it’s still snowing here I'm at the end of my rope my pay check has gone down from 350 a week to 150 a week since the novelty of the new restaurant how gone down I can't even provide for my family let alone finish my dream. What to do what do do I’m locked in my trailer trying to find a way out of this desperate situation I tried a couple of jobs but they refused employment they look at my long hair now and think I'm a bum, not realizing the promise I maid to my children. A promise is a promise, how can I face my smallest child who I love so much, I was holding him when I told him that this is going to be a reminder of how long I’d be with out him. When I think about cutting it my blood runs could I can't break such a promise it’s not about the cut, but about the love for ones child. I don't know if you can understand reading this or if it's a path your have to walk to understand.  Last month we renounced the housed in Detroit to the city because we did not have money to pay tax and fines on the house. Currently the taxes aren’t payed in Pennsylvanian and I hope it doesn't head for the same situation. My sister has to stay with my mom as my mom is now frightened of being alone. Well here I am after countless days of soul searching trying to figure out a way out of my present situation. It's terrible and embarrassing to have to ask for donations, but I need to get out of this nightmare, but I’m saddened by being with out my children for such a long time I can't reverse the clock and make my beloved babies small again they are growing with out me and it's depressing. I'm at my braking point, I hope you find it in you heart to help me get out of this depressing situation. I want to go back to see my children first. I want to finish the house but at this moment I need to hold them. Those that give out of the kindness of their hearts, will be in my prayers. God bless