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Hello,
My name is John Derrick Hembrador and I'm from Cavite, Philippines. I made this online crowdfunding in hopes of getting help to produce money to pay for proper and necessary healthcare for my advanced deteriorating body or any kind of aid that can help me get my body healthy again. I'm a freelance artist and my income is not sufficient to balance my health care needs along with daily life necessities.
My body is in decline with all the multiple chronic pain I suffer from, It's extremely excruciating, Often times it comes to a point where just being awake gets me so tired with all the pain and soreness I'm enduring which causes also mental instabilities which makes it like 10x fold more painful, It also comes to a point where it pushes me to go for suicide, It is my hopeless last resort as it is just getting worst and I just don't know what to do anymore about it until I discovered about the idea of online crowdfunding which gave me a spark of hope.
Late of the year 2017, I came to an understanding that killing myself is the best and wisest way to relieve me out of my misery, It will cut my outrageous pain and prevent the pending weight to the people around me. My upcoming crippled body is coming fast, inevitable and i'm gonna be a big drag to them which will result a lot of pain and hatred around, and this is not just an assumption as I very well know how their mind works. With those ideas the outcome is very clear and i'm not gonna wait to be in that position, so I made peace with my self and ready to go for suicide, I was preparing a gun from an abandoned house of a relative and conceptualizing a goodbye video with a letter of explanation of the quicksand i'm in and also a plan for entrusting my things and projects to the closest and deserving people I know that will be in need of it. Of course I wasn't able to finish all of those in one day.. time passed until the next day and I have thought of the things that happened, I thought that I have done a lot of hard work and preparing... all just for nothing? There must be some other way? The only thing that kept me from committing suicide is the idea of my fun ongoing projects and projects to come, both personal, commissioned and collaborations. But in my body's state lately It's just hard to see through those things, It's being over layed by thoughts of failure, hatred and darkness, it gets darker and heavier and I don't know how long am I gonna be able to hold on.
Looking back with in my self, I saw the deeply rooted cause which caused my bodily pain. Wayback from my upbringing.. I grew up in a sick family where I get beat up or scolded if they don't like what I do without even giving a rational explanation for it. Getting mocked, silenced or scolded for talking about imaginative and funny things. Getting scolded and beaten when I can't learn the things they are teaching( how the hell would a kid be able to learn something from the same person that brings terror,of course the kids mind will get distracted by the fear, and they will call you stupid for that... so fun! ) I still remember an event in my life back in kindergarten where I had a terrorizing teacher, one time she threatened us that she would staple our mouth for those who are noisy, showing it with a blood like marking for extra terror factor haha. I got so scared back then that I wasn't able to ask permission to go to the toilet and I just pee'd in my shorts out of terror. Then the teacher saw me soaked in my piss leaking from my chair onto the floor and asked........"why?" hahahaha. Well, hello "teacher", if I could just summon my future self here, it would be his pleasure to assist you by stapling a note of explanation onto your lips, just kidding : ) These incidents molded a weak character of me, great insecurities and poor social skills, along with following bullying incidents that comes hand in hand with in house abuse. Because of this happenings, I was just mostly with just my self, exploring solitary activities like drawing, painting, playing musical instruments, biking, skateboarding etc... there I had a bit of freedom, sort of.. and loosen the building tension inside me.
At the time I step in at the age of 20. Things inside my mind starts to get worst from the ignorance and incapability of dealing with all the past awful experiences. Levels of anxiety and depression were spiking high! along with the ideas of identity and self existence crisis, have a partner in life, pressure to get a job and earn money and everything else of the societal pressures which also breeds suicidal thoughts. I felt so alienated at this point, I don't have the courage to tell someone about it, and I don't also know anyone that would understand and be sensitive enough or courageous enough to listen about it, I don't even know what is really going on exactly inside my head at those times... It's just like I'm inside a hurricane with malevolent creatures that devours me bit by bit. Those issues branched out into a psychosis, more of like a schizophrenia.... where my mind interpret everything in very awful and nightmarish ways. It goes like when I see or hear anything, my mind instantly links it to an awful memory I had, distorts it and make it extremely worst which is very painful! Most of the times, those thoughts just freezes my body as if its happening outside me. It made my body clunky and had me sleepless nights where the thoughts hunts meso bad that I just scream out in misery. I suffered with in that kind of mentality for years! now I'm turning 28 this year. I did an illustration of this state of mind which you can view at the gallery provided by this website or just along the paragraph lines.
One night, while we we're hanging out on the streets after skating, a friend told a story about a psychiatrist out of the blue. In that story, he mentioned about the psychiatrist discussing about reading the mind and so on. The mind read thing got me curious so I searched about it the next day, and the first thing I got into is the Mindread.pdf from buddhanet http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/mindread.pdf and that read changed my perception and direction of life, Made me understand the mind and life in much clarity. It regained my mental and spiritual health gradually for years of practice of what I have learned in that read, unfortunately my body was not able to recover. I have no choice back then, I couldn't stop doing things because of the thoughts that hunts me, It was the only way I know to minimize my mental pain, those activities kept me busy and took a bit of my attention away from those nightmarish hunting thoughts. I think the most destructive times I had is when I was doing strenuous activities while my overwhelming thoughts hunts me, at those times my muscle stiffened so much as I do my activities which I think sums up to some factors of my excruciating chronic pains.
Right now I have a pair of carpal tunnel syndrome, unknown pain in my right eye, failing knees, failing right ankle, pain in my achilles tendons, frozen shoulders, right shoulder joint pain and lot of muscles and joint pains all over, and the worst is the unknown right femoral joint pain and the muscles around it. I had it XRAYED two times and they couldn't see anything wrong which is very confusing and extremely frustrating also there's a loss of the surrounding muscles. I tried consulting with other doctors but they act and sound like they are not interested with their job and just giving me shallow diagnosis, They are not even putting much thought into it! which sucks because money is really hard for me and even just a consultation costs so much for me to handle. I've tried also physical therapy and acupuncture but couldn't carry its long term cost. There's an illustration of a body which represents the areas in pain which you can view at the gallery or just along the paragraph lines, how bad it is depends on how bright the color is.
I've done some research in regards my bodily pain and I have diagnosed myself having; fibromyalgia, stiff person syndrome, myofascial pain syndrome, carpal tunnel syndrome, achilles tendinitis, pompe muscle disease, psoriatic arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, restless leg syndrome, ankylosing spondylitis, muscular dystrophy and I have been suffering these for 5 years now, but not all of those at the same time, ofcourse, they just keep coming and worsening. I've been medicating for some time with collagen supplements and gelatins also but I do not see any sign of relief nor preventing the worsening disease yet. Sometimes I get to have microdose of magic mushrooms, and it's very effective in pain relief and lifting the bad mood from the pain but I only get to have it in rainy seasons where they naturally spawn on the wilds. I have found out that certain chemicals from cannabis like CBD are able to fix and/or relieve the said diseases, unfortunately cannabis is still illegal in the Philippines and I can't plant.
I'm open to anything as long as it will help my body get healthy again. Even I travel overseas, undergo operation, whatever it takes. I'm even considering this crazy technology which transfers your consciousness to a new body haha, like from the CHAPPY movie, I'm not just quite sure if that's legitimate, if so, it will probably cost a lot.
You can help me in numerous ways:
1. Simply donate here
2. Donate at my Philippine bank accounts:
BPI 8359 1957 89
Metrobank 038 3 038 38208 0
3. Donate at my paypal account:
account ID: F67DFDZ6A8RD8
Donate at my payoneer account:
account ID: 26014409
4. Hire me with my services which is concerned in visual arts and design which you can checkout here: https://www.instagram.com/toclongdweller/
5. Share my services to people you know that might take interest.
7. Send any medications or food supplements that could address my area of problems.
8. If you know some doctor or you are that specializes in this cases, maybe you can help me out in any way.
9. Share this fund raising cause to other people or groups.
I hope you can help me in anyway, thank you.
Hello,
My name is John Derrick Hembrador and I'm from Cavite, Philippines. I made this online crowdfunding in hopes of getting help to produce money to pay for proper and necessary healthcare for my advanced deteriorating body or any kind of aid that can help me get my body healthy again. I'm a freelance artist and my income is not sufficient to balance my health care needs along with daily life necessities.
My body is in decline with all the multiple chronic pain I suffer from, It's extremely excruciating, Often times it comes to a point where just being awake gets me so tired with all the pain and soreness I'm enduring which causes also mental instabilities which makes it like 10x fold more painful, It also comes to a point where it pushes me to go for suicide, It is my hopeless last resort as it is just getting worst and I just don't know what to do anymore about it until I discovered about the idea of online crowdfunding which gave me a spark of hope.
Late of the year 2017, I came to an understanding that killing myself is the best and wisest way to relieve me out of my misery, It will cut my outrageous pain and prevent the pending weight to the people around me. My upcoming crippled body is coming fast, inevitable and i'm gonna be a big drag to them which will result a lot of pain and hatred around, and this is not just an assumption as I very well know how their mind works. With those ideas the outcome is very clear and i'm not gonna wait to be in that position, so I made peace with my self and ready to go for suicide, I was preparing a gun from an abandoned house of a relative and conceptualizing a goodbye video with a letter of explanation of the quicksand i'm in and also a plan for entrusting my things and projects to the closest and deserving people I know that will be in need of it. Of course I wasn't able to finish all of those in one day.. time passed until the next day and I have thought of the things that happened, I thought that I have done a lot of hard work and preparing... all just for nothing? There must be some other way? The only thing that kept me from committing suicide is the idea of my fun ongoing projects and projects to come, both personal, commissioned and collaborations. But in my body's state lately It's just hard to see through those things, It's being over layed by thoughts of failure, hatred and darkness, it gets darker and heavier and I don't know how long am I gonna be able to hold on.
Looking back with in my self, I saw the deeply rooted cause which caused my bodily pain. Wayback from my upbringing.. I grew up in a sick family where I get beat up or scolded if they don't like what I do without even giving a rational explanation for it. Getting mocked, silenced or scolded for talking about imaginative and funny things. Getting scolded and beaten when I can't learn the things they are teaching( how the hell would a kid be able to learn something from the same person that brings terror,of course the kids mind will get distracted by the fear, and they will call you stupid for that... so fun! ) I still remember an event in my life back in kindergarten where I had a terrorizing teacher, one time she threatened us that she would staple our mouth for those who are noisy, showing it with a blood like marking for extra terror factor haha. I got so scared back then that I wasn't able to ask permission to go to the toilet and I just pee'd in my shorts out of terror. Then the teacher saw me soaked in my piss leaking from my chair onto the floor and asked........"why?" hahahaha. Well, hello "teacher", if I could just summon my future self here, it would be his pleasure to assist you by stapling a note of explanation onto your lips, just kidding : ) These incidents molded a weak character of me, great insecurities and poor social skills, along with following bullying incidents that comes hand in hand with in house abuse. Because of this happenings, I was just mostly with just my self, exploring solitary activities like drawing, painting, playing musical instruments, biking, skateboarding etc... there I had a bit of freedom, sort of.. and loosen the building tension inside me.
At the time I step in at the age of 20. Things inside my mind starts to get worst from the ignorance and incapability of dealing with all the past awful experiences. Levels of anxiety and depression were spiking high! along with the ideas of identity and self existence crisis, have a partner in life, pressure to get a job and earn money and everything else of the societal pressures which also breeds suicidal thoughts. I felt so alienated at this point, I don't have the courage to tell someone about it, and I don't also know anyone that would understand and be sensitive enough or courageous enough to listen about it, I don't even know what is really going on exactly inside my head at those times... It's just like I'm inside a hurricane with malevolent creatures that devours me bit by bit. Those issues branched out into a psychosis, more of like a schizophrenia.... where my mind interpret everything in very awful and nightmarish ways. It goes like when I see or hear anything, my mind instantly links it to an awful memory I had, distorts it and make it extremely worst which is very painful! Most of the times, those thoughts just freezes my body as if its happening outside me. It made my body clunky and had me sleepless nights where the thoughts hunts meso bad that I just scream out in misery. I suffered with in that kind of mentality for years! now I'm turning 28 this year. I did an illustration of this state of mind which you can view at the gallery provided by this website or just along the paragraph lines.
One night, while we we're hanging out on the streets after skating, a friend told a story about a psychiatrist out of the blue. In that story, he mentioned about the psychiatrist discussing about reading the mind and so on. The mind read thing got me curious so I searched about it the next day, and the first thing I got into is the Mindread.pdf from buddhanet http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/mindread.pdf and that read changed my perception and direction of life, Made me understand the mind and life in much clarity. It regained my mental and spiritual health gradually for years of practice of what I have learned in that read, unfortunately my body was not able to recover. I have no choice back then, I couldn't stop doing things because of the thoughts that hunts me, It was the only way I know to minimize my mental pain, those activities kept me busy and took a bit of my attention away from those nightmarish hunting thoughts. I think the most destructive times I had is when I was doing strenuous activities while my overwhelming thoughts hunts me, at those times my muscle stiffened so much as I do my activities which I think sums up to some factors of my excruciating chronic pains.
Right now I have a pair of carpal tunnel syndrome, unknown pain in my right eye, failing knees, failing right ankle, pain in my achilles tendons, frozen shoulders, right shoulder joint pain and lot of muscles and joint pains all over, and the worst is the unknown right femoral joint pain and the muscles around it. I had it XRAYED two times and they couldn't see anything wrong which is very confusing and extremely frustrating also there's a loss of the surrounding muscles. I tried consulting with other doctors but they act and sound like they are not interested with their job and just giving me shallow diagnosis, They are not even putting much thought into it! which sucks because money is really hard for me and even just a consultation costs so much for me to handle. I've tried also physical therapy and acupuncture but couldn't carry its long term cost. There's an illustration of a body which represents the areas in pain which you can view at the gallery or just along the paragraph lines, how bad it is depends on how bright the color is.
I've done some research in regards my bodily pain and I have diagnosed myself having; fibromyalgia, stiff person syndrome, myofascial pain syndrome, carpal tunnel syndrome, achilles tendinitis, pompe muscle disease, psoriatic arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, restless leg syndrome, ankylosing spondylitis, muscular dystrophy and I have been suffering these for 5 years now, but not all of those at the same time, ofcourse, they just keep coming and worsening. I've been medicating for some time with collagen supplements and gelatins also but I do not see any sign of relief nor preventing the worsening disease yet. Sometimes I get to have microdose of magic mushrooms, and it's very effective in pain relief and lifting the bad mood from the pain but I only get to have it in rainy seasons where they naturally spawn on the wilds. I have found out that certain chemicals from cannabis like CBD are able to fix and/or relieve the said diseases, unfortunately cannabis is still illegal in the Philippines and I can't plant.
I'm open to anything as long as it will help my body get healthy again. Even I travel overseas, undergo operation, whatever it takes. I'm even considering this crazy technology which transfers your consciousness to a new body haha, like from the CHAPPY movie, I'm not just quite sure if that's legitimate, if so, it will probably cost a lot.
You can help me in numerous ways:
1. Simply donate here
2. Donate at my Philippine bank accounts:
BPI 8359 1957 89
Metrobank 038 3 038 38208 0
3. Donate at my paypal account:
account ID: F67DFDZ6A8RD8
Donate at my payoneer account:
account ID: 26014409
4. Hire me with my services which is concerned in visual arts and design which you can checkout here: https://www.instagram.com/toclongdweller/
5. Share my services to people you know that might take interest.
7. Send any medications or food supplements that could address my area of problems.
8. If you know some doctor or you are that specializes in this cases, maybe you can help me out in any way.
9. Share this fund raising cause to other people or groups.
I hope you can help me in anyway, thank you.
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Sinking ship in the middle of the ocean
Hello, My name is John Derrick Hembrador and I'm from. . . . .
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Sinking ship in the middle of the ocean
Hello, My name is John Derrick Hembrador and I'm from. . . . .
| ₱0 donated |
DONATE NOW |
