My name is Ryan and the first thing I want you to know is that I am trying. Or, rather… I am trying to try. Things do not always add up with depression. There are legitimate differences between me and someone that doesn’t live with depression, which makes this a fierce uphill battle. I am literally fighting against my mind, which tries to tell me none of this is worth it and that I shouldn’t even try to continue living. When people say things like, “Just think positively,” or “It’s all in your head,” it does not help at all. I know that it is in my head, but unfortunately, it is not as easy as flipping a switch and suddenly feeling better. I know I probably have 1000 reasons to be happy, and sometimes I feel like the worst person ever for being so down all the time despite them.
Fighting off depression is not a simple task. If it was, I would have done it already. Trust me when I say I am so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. I am actively trying to take steps to better myself and steal some of my life back from this depressive monster that has crept in like a black cloud raining over all of my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to find a new full-time job, I am trying to restart my passion for photography, and I am trying to get out and make new friends. The process will involve challenging my negative thought patterns, pushing myself to re-engage with things I used to enjoy, working on forgiving myself for letting things get so out of hand, and finding people I trust to be on my team. That’s why you are reading this. I want you to be on my side. I know this letter is drastic, and my asking for financial help might come off as offensive and hurtful. The thing is, I need support to dig myself out of these patterns. I don’t just need a few encouraging words of advice, but I would like a small donation to help me get back on my feet until I secure a full-time job.
Finally, I would be so grateful if you would help other people understand what I am going through by spreading this message. Hopefully, at this point, you “get it” a little more. Depression is something we are told to keep a secret, and it is tough for me to share my feelings sometimes. You are reading this letter because I trust you and want you to be on my team. It is exhausting for me to reach out to each person and ask for help, so if you could help me at this time of need, I would really appreciate it.
If you are reading this far, that means I was right about you. You are amazing and a perfect addition to my depression-fighting team. Like I said before, I really am trying. This is a fierce battle, and I don’t know how long it will take, but having allies as you will undoubtedly make the process that much easier. I am not asking for a blank slate. I know that I can sometimes say or do things that make me not so pleasant to be around. That’s the nature of the beast. You are allowed to be upset, angry, hurt, or annoyed at those things. I ask that you try to understand that these things are an expression of my depressive symptoms. They may be a part of me, but they are not the whole of me. I hope this letter helps you to understand a little more about the other part of me that is dying for a chance to get out into the world again.
All the funds will go towards paying my rent for the month of January and buying some groceries until I am able to land a new job.