Introduction About Me .
I am Ali (Name is changed for protection), I am 24 years old, and a citizen of Pakistan and a gay Muslim my parents get divorced when I was about 7, my elder brother and my mother took care of us, included my younger brother and sister, unfortunately my elder brother died four years ago of a heart attack, I am living with my mother and with my younger brother in a semi-permanent situation, I am still living my life with full of fears and depressions, it’s like I have nowhere to go, or I am nothing or not exists in the world to live a life with happiness, I don’t want to come out because if I did, it may cause a real and dangerous threat for me and my family.
I observed Ramadan and knew that we were supposed to simulate the experience of those in need and who were really experiencing starvation across the world and opened the fast with a huge feast at the end of the day in gratitude. But I also knew my loyalty to the Islamic faith was being tested and at times, I felt like a fraud because nobody would inform me as to what it all meant and I was just going through motions.
So, the inner struggles or internalized homophobia I felt led me to contemplating suicide. It was only the thought of my religion teaching me suicide was a sin and how I would leave my mother I was beginning to develop a better understanding of who I was and what I was about to become. I was isolated, depressed and socially awkward.
To be a gender minority in Pakistan is the worst. This is a country where discrimination based on color, caste, race, and wealth is very common and when it comes to sexuality, hypocrisy and double standards make it unsustainable for the gender minorities. It’s easier to live a hidden life than to live openly in public.
Most gay men spend their life in guilt, carrying a burden of sins. In our society they only have two options: one is to come out of the closet and live a horrible life and being bullied; the other is to conceal their sexuality for the rest of their lives. People usually choose the second option. They get married and start living a dual life: one for the family and society, the other for their own satisfaction. This makes life very pathetic and a under continuous threat of being caught.
I believe there is still much intolerance for transgender people. Although, they get recognition and some of them are prominent people, the struggle beginning at a young age is still the same, there is no difference. They have to go through the same bullying in school, same stigmatized behavior by society. I wonder, if transgender people are actually accepted in our society then why can’t we see a 12 year old transgender come out?
Problems i am facing.
Being a gay in homophobic and Islamic country like Pakistan is worse than anyone can imagine, Under (Hudood) laws the punishment for homosexual sex is stoning imprisonment for life or until death. This is why almost all LGBT members keep their sexuality a secret and usually connect with other homosexuals through the Internet; I suffered beatings, torture, and abusing in the past, I struggled through my childhood and adolescence to hide my homosexuality, fearing rejection, violence and abuse from the police and others merely because I was different.
I have always been an independent and I have been working since I was 15 to support my education and family, recently 3 months ago, my relative invited me to Dubai, he sponsored me including visa and everything for 3 months, it was my first experience outside the cage (Pakistan), and offered me a job, Dubai was better than Pakistan, where I met someone for the first time and felt like I am alive, he was Spanish, we had a great moments, and romance together, but then my visa was about to expire, and I didn’t want to leave him, neither did he, but we are in contact with each other’s, but now he seems to ignoring me, I knew that it would happen, because everyone want to live in present with someone, and I came to Pakistan again, but I don’t know nature is playing with me, or I am doing something wrong, and currently I am un-employed and feel like dying every day, what am I supposed to do with my horrible life, I want to live a life with freedom and equally, but when and how, coming out as a gay in Pakistan won’t work, or I will end up by being tortured rest of my life, or imprisonment for life, or being killed, or should I commit suicide? All I can do is to request you to help me to overcome all of this.
I have been Blackmailed, Discriminate, Abused, Tortured, Because i was a gay, i want to immigrate to Canada, i can't live my life in Pakistan anymore, i want to live where being a gay is acceptable,
How can you help me ?
The amount will allow me to immigrate to Canada, and i believe while you are reading this you can imagine how tough my life is, that can lead me to imprisonment for life or death in Pakistan, if i chose to life my life as a gay.