If you’re reading this, I ask for your patience in going through my entire story. It’s taken me months (or maybe years?) to gather the strength to write this. If you’re doubting whether you should be reading on or finding a more important cause to support (like someone who’s sick or quite simply in much more need than I am), please don’t think twice, close this page and support that person/cause. Otherwise, I appreciate you trying to know my story.
What do you do when you reach rock bottom? What happens when despair is no longer an obstacle, or a crutch? What’s the next stage after identifying, accepting and not seeing failure as failure anymore? Well, it apparently took me more than 30 years to realize that after all of that, things fall into place and it becomes so much easier to move on… And yet, the realisation itself is not enough.
Please allow to me be clear from the onset. This is a pretty standard story of personal difficulty and perdition. And of course my needs are very important, otherwise I wouldn’t have gathered up the courage to do this, but there are certainly more people/causes that are hundredfold more deserving than myself.
My main objective right now is to get my finances in order, after accumulating debt (banks, the state, friends and family) in the past 4 years, due to a period when I tried to make it on my own by being a freelancer. Little did I know that this only triggered a dormant crippling depression, which I still suffer from, and have never been able to afford to get treated. I have identified it, accepted it as part of myself and also accepted that I need help. But specialty help has been out of reach for me. Almost two years after I managed to get back into the book industry (where I’ve worked most of my life) and after I managed to get a constant stream of money into my account by just simply doing my job and working harder than ever, I am still struggling financially, and most of all mentally.
So here’s my first objective: raising 3100 EUR, in order to pay off my most urgent debts (friends and overdue bank instalments). I currently owe roughly more than 9000 EUR to friends, family, one bank and the state (because as a freelancer I had a small firm with just one employee - me). However, due to help from friends and family I managed to get most of these 9000 EUR into the same boat and pay monthly instalments to two people. These two people lent me the money to pay off what were almost a year ago multiple bank loans. And that put me in fairly more stable situation. However, the 3100 EUR I’m talking about have accumulated because after rent, utilities and those two monthly instalments to my friends, I’m left with less than 150 EUR to live off of every month. And sometimes I just need more money for food and simple things, like toiletries. I’m not even going to tell you when was the last time I bought a new pair of pants. I’m not going to be that guy, even though I am asking for you help and I am in dire straights. I know this is begging, but I’m not going to try to make you cry. I’m just trying to be honest and as transparent as possible.
I’ve just found out that starting next month I’ll be getting a raise of 100 EUR per month. I will also be getting out of an expensive utilities subscription. This means that I will finally be able to live fairly decently, while still paying off my bank loan and my monthly instalments to my two friends. But that’s only if I can get those 3100 EUR paid first.
That would also mean that I’ll finally be able to go see a therapist and get my life back... And that’s my second objective, which might very well be much more important than paying off my debts... It’s a vicious circle, obviously, because debt only makes my depression worse, and I can’t get my depression treated if I don’t pay off my debts.
My story is much more elaborate than this, of course, and most days it doesn’t feel worth it to get out of bed... as I’m sure a lost of you have felt (at least a few times in your lives). But if this is enough for you, please consider lending me a hand with as little as you can. And if you’d like to know me better, THIS IS MY FACEBOOK PROFILE.
Here is MY LINKEDIN PAGE, where you will also find a short CV, and a portfolio a few of the projects I did as a freelancer.
I’ll only be answering private messages. Please understand that I’ll be ignoring any trolling attempts. Please don’t try to have fun on somebody else’s expense. Especially when it’s such a delicate situation.
If by chance you know me and are shocked by my reaching out for help, I only ask for your discretion. Please understand that no one knows about this, I’m not proud of it and I wouldn’t be doing it if it weren’t my last resort. I want to stop being a burden to my friends and family (who don’t even know a quarter of this story). And appealing to strangers, behind the veil of my laptop is the only way that I can do it right now. And speaking of friends, I wouldn’t be alive today, if it weren’t for them. So if you’re one of them (and you know who you all are), thank you so much for all that you’ve done. I don’t say it as often as I should... If you’re just someone passing by, thank you for having the patience to reach this point... May you all be safe from harm and have loving people in your lives!
In the photo of this post you can see the last money that I had left in a jar before I went completely broke and had to give up freelancing and get a job again. That's when I began writing this requiem for my crisis! Please help me finish singing it!