Disclaimer:Before i explain my campaign please don't think just because I have anxiety and depression it means i feel sorry for myself all the time and spread negativity wherever I go, quite the opposite; my ponysona is bright and colourful and reflects the very best parts of my personality I really enjoy creating and making people happy and spreading kindness and words of encouragement wherever I can, if you are nice to people they will spread that futher and further and make the world a better place. Only a few people know that I suffered with this condition before the fundraiser went public, I don't make a big deal out of it.
Hey everyone my name is RainbowTashie and i'm a small mlp artist based in the United Kingdom.
In 2016 I had to quit my job because my mental health got too much to bear. I was crying almost every day, prone to panic attacks and thoughts and actions of self harm. I have tried to seek proffessional help but all that is available to me via my GP are PDF files of 'self help' which i have tried profusely but they haven't gotten me anywhere, I need real one to one help from another human being, and right now I can't afford it since I would have to go private. I am not elligable for any kind of benefits because my partner works a set amount of hours, and honestly i don't like the whole stigma related to being on them anyway. My partner has been very supportive of me and we have been just about managing on his income but it is not comforable at all. I have debts leftover from when I was working which I haven't been able to pay back yet and i'm fearful that I may be sent to court if I don't do anything about it.
I have made so many attempts to try other jobs in my desperation, the interviews go well ushally but i cannot get past that stage, even if i do get the job the morning i have to go i hyperventilate to the point of medical attention and then spend weeks after that beating myself up at what i 'failure I am' it is because of this that I decided I will not pursue a 'normal job' until i'm better and have the support that I need.
An example of me trying to work last was at toys R us. I applied, and being passionate about toys and childlike things i thought it was perfect for me and it would have been... on paper
It was a pop up toys r us, and as such we had to put the shelving together, i was quite unfit at this point being out of work for a while but that didn't stop me. I am no stranger to manual labour and i wanted to help with all the heavy lifting and the 'man' jobs why the other female employees just messed around and nattered. I was laughed at. psysically for my lack of strength, a male worker literally pointed his finger and laughed at me and that is no exaggeration. I was crushed inside, I who was trying my best was more laughable than the girls that didn't try at all and it broke me. All my anxieties and fears were realsied in that one moment and honestly, i was fighting back the tears; more proof that I 'was not good enough'
Later that day we were running late, exhausted emotionally and phsyically at this point i was asked to stay later and then i cracked. I don't know if there is a name for this kind of anxiety but it's just a feeling of being trapped and not physically being able to say no because i have no assertiveness at all, it was a problem in my old job to and all it did was bring all those memories to surface again. Needless to say i had a breakdown when i got home and didn't go back the next day, I haven't tried again since.
When i was a worker, i had an amazing ethic always pushing myself harder than anyone else, even if it was just retail jobs. But what everyone always said to me was i lacked 'confidence' i heard that phrase said to me so many times, I'm anxious unstable and incredibly sensitive but I really did give it all i had. As to why i left my first job, i became a mess because a power hungry manager took over and the harder i worked the harder she pushed me while others got away with doing the bare minimum, in the end i couldn't find a voice to stand up to her so i ran away like a coward.
To make income I sell my art, I have a few wonderful people that help me out with £10 here and there but it just isn't enough and is starting to really affect me emotionally, i feel like a useless sitting duck who can't do anything and honestly, i'm ashamed of myself. I have no social skills whatsoever and I haven't had social interaction with anyone other than my boyfriend and my close faimily since 2016, i'm not even joking I have online friends but i just don't have it in me to see another human being in person, i've lost friends because of this, making up excuses as to why i can't see them it's awful. My self confidence is shot because naturally through not working i have put on weight, I wouldn't say i'm fat but i used to be incredibly slim and now i just feel like a lump, it's another reason why I don't want to see anyone. I tried playing pokemon go on my boyfriends phone to try and get a bit fitter and healthier but i'm not good with really cold or really hot summer weather so that hasn't worked out so great for me, I wish I had friends to walk around with but this whole thing is a viscious cycle that I can't shake.
It's not all doom and gloom though because drawing has brought me so much joy! I began drawing ponies in 2015 i joined the fandom when season 4 was on air and I've never looked back. Ponies ignited something in me that wasn't there before, i hadn't drawn since secondary school before this and trust me they started out awful, I still don't think i'm great but i can't deny i have improved a lot from when i first started out. I dabble in other things, i've started drawing pokemon (badly) and i hope to expand to drawing other franchises and fandoms and in the end maybe even make some own original art, that's my dream. I'm not really 'good' at anything else, i have no skills or anything, didn't study past A levels and if you asked me what my dream job would be if i was mentally healthy i'd still say I don't know... but drawing is something very theraputic for me, even if i'm not great at it.
I have met (online of course) some of the nicest people in the world through this fandom and my art and they really lift my spirits and make me feel less like a worthless recluse and like I actually matter. and in all honesty, the support i receive just gives me the drive to get up in the morning. I am not feeling half as negative about myself as I used to because of all the kind words I receive on a daily basis.
So I am here today to ask of you many things, for support financially to pay debts, get mental help and live comfortably until i feel like i am ready to get back on my feet and or at the very least, help me with my art career so i may pursue it to it's fullest potential and give me the ability to do what i do, for example help me to take art classes since i'm completely self taught or be able to afford new materials.
I would really like your friendship, I don't just want your money I appreciate each and every person who supports me and i really want you to know that. I am happy to add anyone that helps me on your social media of choice to keep you updated and let you know how much your support means to me. If you aren't in a position to donate, please don't fret just sharing this page with anyone who likes ponies will help immensley.
I am not a great artist, there are millions of people that are so much better than me, but what i do have is passion and i beleive that shows through my works, please let me convince you i am worth fighting for.