I am April Lapeña from the Philippines and I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms are nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
I never had issues growing up, I was a happy child and was nurtured by a simple and loving family, it all started when I was in college. My University is an 8 hr drive from my hometown so I spent most of my college years in a boarding house and just go home every end of the semester. Being far from the people I love and who cares for me was difficult and to cope up with the loneliness I have gained friends, who I thought I can trust and count on but it was the opposite, they have caused me a traumatic experience that contributed to my state of being now. A traumatic experience that I've been trying to hide and keep for a long time, but keeping it to myself has made my state of being worse.
I was in my 3rd yr of college when it all happened. I used to be so trusting with my friends, I don't really go out that much but there's this one time that they invited me to attend our friends birthday party and I obliged. I had a couple of drinks and decided to take a nap in my friends room. I never thought that day would turn out to be a nightmare for me. I woke up realizing that someone was trying to undress me and taking advantage of me, I recognized the guy's face who works for our University. I gathered all of my strength and fought back, tried pushing him away and told him to stop but he just wouldn't. I started screaming and that's when he pointed a gun at my back, I was horrified and crying so hard, I can still imagine how it felt, the hard cold metal on my back, I thought it was the end of me, I begged for him to stop, told him that he has family and kids, that he shouldn't be doing this, told him that I'm not going to tell anyone if only he'll stop, after all the convincing I did he stopped and freed me. I ran away and went back to my boarding house. My friends didn't even bother following me, that's when I realized that they knew what was happening, and remembered that they are of the same fraternity with that guy, maybe it was all planned.
I felt betrayed, was crying for days and got scared, stayed in my room and missed my classes. I hated my friends and started having a fear of seeing that guy again, I was in a trauma. My roommate that time was worried about me and tried asking me with what happened, though I don't want to talk to anyone that time I managed to tell her that I'll be fine and that it was just about my subject. I stopped going to classes for that semester, I didn't tell my family (don't want them to worry).
After weeks of locking myself in our room, I was really angry and been thinking about revenge, about telling the authorities but I was weak and powerless, I didn't have enough proof, it is like me versus those people, so I decided to just shut my mouth, tried to convince myself that everything will be okay, that nothing really happened, that I just have to avoid seeing those people, that time will come I will forget it, but I was only fooling myself.
To cut the story short, the following semester I tried to pursue my degree but I failed, what happened scarred me, it affected my studies and since then I have trouble trusting and dealing with people.
It has been years but I still have anxiety attacks, I have nightmares, I wake up having cold sweats and I still have flashbacks. My attitude towards people has been difficult. I tend to be obsessive about everything and it's getting beyond my control now. I have mood swings, always irritable and easily get angered. Now I have few trusted friends but I'm slowly losing them and unintentionally pushing them away. I have problems with keeping relationships, all guys I dated says that I am difficult to deal with, that life with me would be miserable and It's starting to exhaust me, it pains me, it makes me feel hopeless and sad that no one wants to be with me. Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts, I am fed up, if only I have magic to erase that horrific memory, if only I can end this.
I am desperate for help, I'll be turning 27 on the 11th of April and my only wish is to heal the scar that I've been carrying for years, to feel better, let go of the pain and to feel normal. Anxiety doesn't go away on its own and can get worse over time, so the earlier it is treated, the better.
Anxiety disorders like PTSD have treatment options available like therapy, medication and support groups. Here in the Philippines, going to a psychiatrist is not very common and it would cost a lot, that is why I am on this site seeking for your help to fund me.
Currently, I have a job but what I earn is not enough to support the medication and a psychiatric session. Help from you guys would be highly appreciated. Thank you!