Please Help me to survive. I don’t want to be homeless

PLEASE, I really need help. I don't even know where to begin. I don't know how I got where I am, but I desperately need help. Well, I do know, but I never thought that things would get to this point. 

Seven years ago, my husband and the father of my two sons (at that time 12 and 13), abandoned us. At the time, my Dad who was our "rock" got cancer and shortly afterwards passed away. During the time that he was ill, he stayed with us and I did my best to take care of him. My husband disappeared and took with him $140,000 from his 401k. He traveled around with another woman and spent ALL of that money on partying. I was told this by a social worker that visited us looking for him. He and the woman had a child that was unsafe with them and social services wanted to take the child into custody for her safety.  

Just to name a few things, he was an alcoholic, a drug addict; he constantly and consistently got DUI’s and DWI’s; he cheated on me as far back as before I became pregnant with our first son. We were only married 9 months when that happened. I found receipts for gifts to woman and hotel rooms years later. He asked me to stay at home and raise our kids saying that he was old-fashioned when in reality he wanted me to stay home so he could do whatever he wanted but could keep me what he must have considered imprisoned. 

That’s the short story. There is so much more involved with what he did, but the main subject is NOW. I am at the end of my rope and barely hanging on by a thread. 

When my Dad died it was “hard”. He was always so healthy and vibrant and he was so in love with the boys as they were with him. He was exactly what they needed because their father was never around. He didn’t show them love, nor did he show an interest in anything they did or accomplished. My Dad, the boys’ grandpa taught them how to build and he played with them. They truly loved him. He was always there for us. Losing him was devastating especially in the midst of all that was going on. We were going to move away with him and the boys needed him. Even after his death he was there for us because he left us his condo. With the money from the sale, we were able to move on and try to start a new life, which is what we did. We packed up our home and left it all behind. I put our belongings into PODS and they held on to everything for two years as we moved around the country trying to find a decent place to settle where we could be around our Christian family and have that spiritual support we needed. It didn’t really work out to well. I wanted to find us a home that we could buy outright, find work and live life. None of the places we tried had that opportunity, nor did we find the support we needed. I blame no one. I might have been a burden or a detriment to some, or maybe people just had there own things going on and didn’t need anything more to deal with. Regardless, I had and have no right expecting anything from anyone. People are people, including myself and no one has the right to depend on a person. That’s what God is there for, among other things. 

During our travels we passed through Texas several times and I did some research Online. I opted for Texas because it was warm, houses were relatively inexpensive and it seemed to have the best opportunities. We bought a manufactured home and 2 acres of land and it felt secure. Unfortunately, having been a stay at home Mother for almost 14 years proved to be a detriment in Texas. Because I had no recent “work” experience because I hadn’t had a job outside the home since 1990, no one wanted to hire me. My age didn’t help. I was 54 and no one seemed to think I was worth hiring. I began again to sell on Ebay and at Flea Markets and did my best. When at the point when I still couldn’t find any work, I started to use my credit because my credit was exemplary and my rating was as high as it gets. So they kept offering me 0% to 3% Interest rates for the life of the balance. I never would have done that in the past, but I had no other choices. Well I did, I had the choice to Trust God, but I was under so much stress that I forgot. I’m sorry Daddy! I had put all of our money into making sure that we would always have a roof over our heads. My kids were my number one priority. They are pretty much in same position as I am. I was unable to send them to school, not just because of the lack of funds, but because we only had/have one car. Even though they’re grown now, they are still here and trying their best to help in any way that they can. They don’t have it easy either but they don’t know how bad it is for me. I don’t tell them because they need to live their own lives. Besides they don’t have much to help with anyway. I couldn’t help them with school… I try not to feel guilty but I do. 

Long to short I used all of the credit cards I had and paid them as long as I could manage. Ebay became anything but lucrative and it started to get harder and harder to make money selling. Everyone wanted a bargain. I was selling accessories that were listed by others for 1/3 of their prices and I still got contacted by buying members asking me when I was going to lower my prices. I was barely making anything. I truly tried EVERYTHING in the way of work. I applied everywhere! That’s not an exaggeration. I didn’t care where I worked as long as I worked. BUT nothing! I exhausted all of my credit card resources and started to sell my belongings. I sold things that I really needed just to make ends meet. 

Finally in October 2011, I found a job on Craigslist cleaning a house daily and feeding 24 cats, two dogs and three horses. They loved me and I loved the job. It was HARD. I was/am still 57 years old and it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. However, after two weeks, I got into a routine and it became easier and I got stronger, and I loved taking care of the animals. BUT as usual, there was a problem. The lady had a laminate floor that was super super hard to keep it looking nice and she constantly complained about it. I tried so hard to get that floor the way that she wanted it, but with all the cats and the two dogs, it wasn’t easy. I always used exactly what she wanted and did it exactly the way she told me too. Ultimately, what she told me to do brought out the scratches that had already been inflicted by her and I was blamed for it. There were two women in the home and one was always on my side. She had her own business and spent a lot of time at home, so we became friendly and she watched me do the floor and pretty much all the cleaning and caring for the animals. She even told the other lady that I hadn’t done anything wrong. BUT, I was fired and that was that. I was there for 3 months and just starting to catch up on bills and things and it would have worked well, but it didn’t. So I went back to selling whatever I had left, and now there is nothing left. During this entire time, I also learned to use Photoshop and Adobe Flash and I developed gifting applications through AppBank on Facebook. It was a long a tedious process, but I made hundreds and hundreds of cards and some quizzes and at least a dozen applications on Facebook. I tried so hard to promote them, but no matter what I did, they never became popular enough to make any substantial income. They were really done meticulously and with great care, yet people preferred cheaper apps that people just threw together in minutes. Still, I wouldn’t compromise and continued to make more and more and they got better and better, yet most of the people that saw mine preferred ones that had no quality whatsoever. I now believe that Appbank is behind it in some way and they already had their own designers which made them money. I’m not boasting, my cards are beautiful and extremely high quality. It was an extreme disappointment when it didn’t work out because of all the care and all the work I put into them. But, I moved on.. 

I’ve even been door to door to see if I could clean a house or a garage or mow a lawn or scoop poop,  but no one in my neighborhood has money for chores they could do themselves. And I can’t go very far because of the cost of gas. 

The home and property we bought is rural and it takes a lot to get to anywhere, but when I bought it I thought it was peaceful and quiet. Now I realize that it’s just too far from too much. 

It’s gotten so bad that I barely have enough money for gas to look for more work. I managed to keep my Internet because the service has been so bad for four years, that I got them to give me free service for a while. That is almost over and if I don’t have Internet I might as well give up. It is the greatest resource for work +……

I’m pretty much three months overdue on everything except my water bill which is two months overdue and due to be shut off on the 21^st of May. If I don’t pay it by the 18^th, they will add another $25 reconnection fee. That’s so helpful don’t you think? They know that I’m having a hard time but they just keep making it harder. 

I owe thousands of dollars on the credit cards I used to survive. I have gotten a little bit of help from the county, but it’s minimal for someone like me. I am too old to be required to register with the “Workforce Solutions”, so when I applied for Food Stamps I didn’t even know it existed. When I asked for help from the County’s Emergency Assistance office, they told me I had to be registered at the Workforce solutions which I didn’t even know about. It’s 45 miles away and will cost $10 in gas which I don’t have. I would have loved to have known about it when I could afford it (well sort of could afford it), but when I inquired as to why they never told me they said that I was not required to register because of my age, BUT I’m too young to get any social security help. Local emergency aid has helped some, but you can only get help every six months. I’m thankful to them for what they’ve done, but now there is NOTHING left. NOTHING!! 

My Property taxes were due by the latest March without any penalty, but now the amount goes up monthly and if I don’t pay by July they will take my property away. That is up to $2,000. Not bad for two acres of property, but a world away from my resources. They don’t budge on giving you leeway either. 

Right now, I need $5,000 just to be able to make it through another couple of months. That doesn’t even include paying my credit cards bills. My septic tank is over-flowing, My property is so overgrown that I can’t even walk on it. My van is now 11 years old. It used to be extremely well maintained, but now hasn’t even had an oil change in a year and it is the only vehicle I have available. Without it I might as well call it quits. 

Truly, I have been so so positive through all of this and trying so hard to keep believing that God will take care of all of it. Deep down in my heart, I know HE will. It’s just that each day I awake there’s a challenge awaiting that makes it harder than you could ever imagine. Two days ago, I received a Civil Citation. One of the credit card companies is suing me for the amount I owe which is $8,000. I don’t even know what it means. What can they take from me? I have only my home and property which I won’t have for long because of the unpaid taxes. So what will they take, my clothes, what?? I don’t know.

I find it unbelievable that people could be so cruel. Don’t get me wrong, I did use that credit, but they kept offering and offering and because of what everyone did to me or didn’t do for me, I had no choices. I have no one to turn to for help. I’m getting older and tired and if it were not for my dog I would just give it all up and let go…. I truly could end up being homeless…. 

I have the dog because he was being neglected by my neighbor and left to wander while she worked 16 hours a day. He would come to my house and I would take care of him… That was two years ago. Things were not as bad as now but I never would have acquired a dog knowing that it’s a huge responsibility and I would never take that lightly. I LOVE dogs and longed for one but refused because I knew that if things got worse I would never forgive myself if it were not taken care of property. I didn’t choose him, he chose me. He had parvo and I nursed him back to health. Now it’s too late, there is no way that I would give him up unless Cesar Milan took him. He is so attached to me that I don’t believe he could survive unless someone like Cesar took him in. And I would be heartbroken without him but I would give him up to save his life, but it would kill me. I would feed this dog before I fed myself…. So don’t worry about him. If the day comes that I can’t I would sell my soul for him…. Just a figure of speech trying to get a point across…. 

Nine months ago, my neighborhood was evacuated because of huge fires in our area. I had no money for gas and couldn’t stay at the shelter because of my dog, so we slept in my van for almost a week. I am thankful for the meals and that I that I didn’t lose my home at that point, but I was so scared because I have no homeowner’s insurance. To top this off, my house was struck by lightening last month. I lost my microwave oven, my washing machine, many appliances and so much more. So not only am I hanging on by a thread, I now have to wash my clothes at the Laundromat and heat up what little food I have on the stove.  Oh I’m not complaining about that, It’s OK, a little inconvenient but the least of my problems. 

When I had a better life, I gave whenever there was a need. I once put a friend of mine through nursing school because she would have had to skip a semester. I loaned her the money to get it done and never asked for it back. I would pay her utility bill every month for months because she had Epstein Barr and didn’t work for a while. I always gave when I had it because people needed and I never expected anything in return. I just used to feel bad because I had what I needed and if someone didn’t, I would give it. I can’t even count how many times I found a stray animal in need and took them in. Honestly, no one is perfect but I never turned my back on anyone. If someone needed help I gave it. Now no one will help me….I try not to judge, I try not to criticize nor do I ever deliberately hurt anyone. And if I had/have something to give, I would give. I will stay positive and will believe that I will have…to give. 

I just need help right now to survive….. literally. I’m not even that healthy anymore. I get dizzy sometimes and I get rashes and some other things go on now and then, but I don’t care. I don’t want to know if anything is wrong anyway and I will work as hard as I have to because all work is honorable. I’ve pleaded for help on Craigslist for work. I’m registered on Care.com, Sittercity.com and many other sites for anything and everything.  I don’t understand why no one will hire me but I keep trying. It seems, however, that soon I won’t be able to do anything except fill a shopping cart with whatever I can and live on the streets. Well at least it’s warm in Texas…….It’s sad growing old alone. When I got married I thought it was for life and now here I am too old and too ugly for anyone to like or to fall in love with and there is no one to turn to… I’m set in my ways but it sure gets lonely….. I have no hope for that to change, but I have my dog right? 

I’m so sorry for being so up and down and all around… The state of being I live in at the moment is anything but stable and as I said, if it were not for my beautiful dog Cooper, I wouldn’t even try anymore. The boys will get over me but not Cooper and I couldn’t do that to him. 

Help me PLEASE. Help me…. I have no where else to turn!!! I have nothing to offer in return at the moment, but I will keep you in my prayers…. And when I do have I will give….