Hi, My name is Ryan Castillo.
I have been battling anxiety and depression for 10 years already and i was doing fine handling it for several years (maybe because i didn't really know what was happening to me as i had no knowledge about mental health issues) until recently this year when my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Depression and told me that my condition is getting worse.
I used to be a really happy person and i was really persistent to reach any goal i set my mind to.
I used to be outgoing and i loved meeting new people.
I used to love singing and making songs to make people happy and calm.
But now, I've lost all hope and passion for anything.
All the things i used to love is just another "thing" to do.
I don't go out that much anymore and i don't talk to people that much anymore except for my family and a few friends.
My psychiatrist advised me to quit my job this year as it would only make my condition worse.
At first, I was hesitant to follow her suggestion as i would have to struggle to find ways to pay for the therapy sessions and medications that i need but she stated that it would be for the best and i agreed as it would be for my health.
I have survived 15 suicide attempts and i'm having a hard time battling every urge to do it again.
I sometimes lose grip on reality, Not knowing what's true or not about my past. I get my memories mixed up a lot during attacks.
I usually just lock myself in my room refusing to eat nor sleep because my mind is being flooded by memories and thoughts that may or may not happen. so many sleepless nights and sometimes i don't get enough sleep for days.
you never really know how hard it is to have depression until you're locked in your room refusing to talk to anyone, refusing to do anything, refusing to even have proper hygiene.
I've been on medication for several months now and it is getting out of hand.
I already sold 80% of my clothes and shoes just to afford my treatment.
I'm not really used to asking help from other people as i was able to last for many years with just myself and my thoughts but now--
I don't know how to be able to afford my treatment anymore.
I can't work because my psychiatrist told me that i need to be in a stress-free environment for a long time or else my mind would be deeply affected by it.
I used to be strong enough to handle anything but now one minor setback feels like my world is crashing and I don't know how to carry myself anymore.
I started my medications from low sedation anti-depressants to high-sedation anti-depressants.
when i have an attack, I enter a state of mania that every pain i inflict to myself feels euphoric.
I have a lot of scars on my wrist and body and i call them "Battle Scars" because it serves as a reminder for me that i survived the battle with my mind.
I managed to survive all the suicide attempts that i did because i always get caught doing so. My family is always on alert now when i feel something and they always get ready if i do get an attack.
I appreciate every little thing they do for me.
I know my family doesn't think that i'm a burden but every time i see them paying for my therapy and medications i always want to cry.
I didn't want things to end up like this but sometimes things happen in your life that is out of your control.
I would deeply appreciate it if you guys would help me fight my depression.
I don't know how long i can endure everything.