Hope could be the greatest demise when it’s obtained by a girl such as myself, but the love I’m about to tell you about far surpasses any of my closest kept fears...
If anyone is truly listening, I’ll start out by admitting that I am no saint. I’ve spent the most prominent portions of my life describing myself as a perfectionist who sits as a prisoner in a fuck up’s body. I’ve seen the depths of hell, and although the darkness has affected parts of me, my heart has remained undeniably tender.
My memory is 70/100 at best, however, I will always remember the night that brought her to me like it happened onlooy one minute ago...
They say that love tends to arrive when you’d least expect it, so naturally, I would meet the love of my life, Charmai, during my five year sentence at Perryville, an all-women’s prison facility located in the state of Arizona. Yes, romance at it’s finest.😍
I was outside with my best friend, enjoying my last delicious, hand-rolled cigarette of the evening, when I turned to my right, only to see the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I reached out blindly to tap at Katie’s shoulder, while my eyes remained glitched on the only proof of God’s holy existence I’ve ever known. I’ve never seen through someone’s shell and into the deepest parts of their soul before. Instantaneously, I said a prayer.
Yes. I had never said one prayer until that night. I saw her beauty, sadness, and her pain... and all I wanted to say was a prayer, in hopes that I may be the one who makes her smile someday.
As the months progressed, all I could think about was her. I saw Charmai in passing several times each day, however, I realized quickly that she had a girlfriend, and I had to play nice. Close up, I respected their relationship, however, I looked for her every single day.
There were times when I felt insane, because I had never felt so passionately about a stranger, someone I had never even talked to. I had always been the girl that guys chased, and never had I ever seen myself being in such a predicament. It’s funny, at one point, I had noticed that she stood in the pill-call line, and decided that I would goto the doctor for an acne treatment that required me to stand in that same line with her every night. Everything about her was almost magnetic. I felt this crazy pull that I had never felt for anyone before.
The stalking continued, until one night I happened to see one of my cell mates talking to her and her girlfriend one night during open yard. That night, I had asked my friend her name, she said her name was Char, that she had a girlfriend already, and she was going to be going home in a couple of weeks. I would have been devastated, but I would be going home two months after her. That’s when I made a personal plan to just try to connect with her via social media once I went home.
The morning that Char left to go home, the timing couldn’t have been any more amazing. I was also at the front gate, standing in line for a pat-down so I could goto work. All inmates kept a legal box that held all of their personal belongings, and on the outside of our box, we were required to write our inmate ID, as well as our first and last name. That’s how I was able to get her last name, all of the information that I needed in order to find her in two short months. I was happy.
Two months went by quickly, and finally, after five long years, it was my turn to go home. I nervously packed up my personal belongings and headed to the gate to meet my family. Leaving my friends was hard, but being away from home for so long was harder. It took me about a week to become acclimated to society again, and as I was sitting on the couch watching TV, this little alarm went off in my brain, and I realized that I had to find her. There were a few Chars in the Phoenix area, but once I saw her profile picture, all of time stood still. I hesitated nervously before hitting that little “add friend” button on Facebook. Click. Ah, now I wait for her to add me and then I’ll figure out what to possibly say. She totally caught me off guard when she messaged me less than 60 seconds later, “hey chickadee” she said. I thought over some different responses over the next minute, but decided to go all out, and tried to explain that I had a little confession. I told her that I may have been a little bit of a stalker while we were both in prison. She accepted my creepy confession as a form of flattery, and from that moment on we were inseparable. Turned out, she was living with her sister less than two miles from my house!
After a few weeks, we started spending time together, and I invited her to my house to watch movies. That night was the most amazing, yet most heartbreaking night of my life. To shed some light, I come from a family of fundamental Christians, and I had never tried dating a female. Once my family realized what type of friends we were, and saw our connection, things took a turn for the worst. Things were said that have left permanent scars.
Over the next couple of months I tried to make my family happy by following their wishes. I broke Char’s heart and started seeing a guy named William, an ex from my pre-prison past. Things with him only lasted a few months, as I stayed in contact with Char. Come December, I couldn’t stay away from her for one more day. I ran back to her as quickly as possible, and it’s been her and I ever since.
We became best friends, lovers, family and everything else that could possibly exist. Over the past few years now, we’ve become so close. I’ve never loved anyone so much. Nothing is perfect, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but this is the woman that I love and that I see myself marrying in the future. My family and I will never be as close as we were EVER again, but I had to choose between the conditional love that they have always offered me, and the unconditional love that I found in Char.
This past year has been hard for us, as I recently lost one of my best friends to suicide, and Char has had to fight off some of her inner demons herself. We had gotten into an argument one night, and I decided to leave in order to avoid our fight progressing any further. The next day she called me crying, explaining that she had made a mistake by drinking too much the night before, and unfortunately acquiring a couple of charges with our local police department. She did her thirty days in jail, and thought that the nightmare was over, until her birthday last month, when she was arrested after the state decided to “long form” her with charges from that same night from last year. She has been in the county jail for about one month, and we’re both absolutely devastated. I’ve been trying to come up with her bond, but I keep falling short, and I feel defeated, like I’m running in place. Her bond is $2,300 and I know that’s a lot, but any and all donations would be infinitely appreciated. I know that my situation isn’t the same as most that you’ve seen on here, but I wanted to be honest, and also why I explained our story from start to finish, in hope of shedding some light.