It has recently come to our attention that Petes guts are in a terrible condition. One might be tempted to fear for his life judging by the aromas and quantities of toxic gas that are being emitted on a regular basis, however he seems in good spirits - thank the dear lord.
Whilst we all try to remain positive, undoubtedly we are suffering deeply inside. Mainly in the nasal passage (for some of us this is a large passage indeed). I have asked facilities to put our hazardous material contractor on the MTS speed dial in case of the inevitable "accident".
I would like to urge you all to be strong, and resist blaming the poor man. Yes, the damage may have been caused by years upon years of excessive self induced alcohol consumption. However I shall be pursuing Heineken with a health issue lawsuit as "Newkie brown" ale is clearly not fit for human consumption. I shall also be having strong words with Mr Thornton for his part in the force feeding torture of curry and lager which is now occuring on a regular basis. Disgraceful.
Whilst we await health fund input from Heineken and EDF Energy's Methane recovery project, I ask you to open your wallets and input a small amount, perhaps 10p; towards a colonic irrigation session for Pete.
I feel this will surely be of benefit to him and there is no doubt he will relish the experience on a personal level.
On the chance that he wishes not to carry forward with the treatment, we will use the money to order gas masks from ebay.