On the edge of the abyss

I have stared into the abyss and the abyss will stare back at me… eventually. I write this not out of a desire for sympathy, I am not a beggar, but i will beg now, out of desperation, my story is long and i hope you read it to its bitter end. I am a man ... at least i think I still am ... i don't know anymore, but at least i am human. But this was not always the case, I was proud and upright ... the story starts like a novel full of hope and justice and ends in a stalemate between tragedy and madness. I work in Romania, in the law enforcement department, an agent of the state, stalwart defender of the people, enforcer of law and righteousness. I did all in my power to respect the law , i refused bribes many times larger than my own salary and even got the ones that tried to bribe me convicted and jailed, this in a corrupt state where the pay is garbage and i am poor ... my parents are poor and the city I live in is infested by poverty . I refused chances, to get promoted, because the promotion was a poisoned gift, the corrupt state and it's loyal criminal underworld, wanted me out of the way, so that someone more malleable, would take my place and conform to certain demands and condition i personally refused. I refused to bend the knee, i was not proud... i was humble, the citizens of the town I worked in where grateful that I stayed there, a rock against the waves of crime and injustice. But i am only human...and just like a rock ... willpower erodes as time goes on. On a call of domestic disturbance, i encountered her ... the love of my life. She was married to an abuser, a drunkard that wanted only alcohol and obedience. She had two children with him, two girls as beautiful as she was and as smart. The drunkard broke the hand of the eldest daughter for defending her mother against another of his beatings. The youngest daughter was covering her face, she was not afraid, she was ashamed of her bruised face, a canvas of pain, painted by the fists of a mad man. I intervened not only as an agent of the state but as a man , i took all the legal steps , so that he could not hurt her or her children again , and then counseled her, so that she could have the full protection of a law so crooked that it forced her surrender her children to her abusive husband while the trail took place. I took pity on her and sought legal counsel for her. In one year she was divorced and her husband ordered by the court to stay away from her and her children. In the second year she was engaged to me. In the third year, after she opened up more to me I found out she never had a proper wedding, she was poorer than me, if that was even possible. I knew I had to make her happy, so i took out a loan for 10000 euros and made her a wedding that was to be the most happiest and memorable one, in such a way that her memories of her past marriage would be lessened. The wedding was magnificent... but i lost a lot of friends and the respect of my family that day, since marrying a women with children is frowned upon here in Romania, i got passed it, i knew I was doing the right thing, then the problems started ... My parents stricken with grief for the choice i made ,kicked me and my wife out of the house i was living in , it was theirs after all, i could not oppose. I rented an apartment and thought nothing of it since being in the police force, i thought the rent would be paid by the police. I was partially correct, you see the law here in Romania is outdated and faulty, the rent was deducted only by 30%, since my base salary was never increased, the overall salary did increase, but because of a stopgap measure that added bonuses on top o bonuses so that we the agents of the police force would not quit for other better paid jobs. I thought about quitting the police force, my resolve shaken but not weathered, so i pulled myself together and carried on. In my fourth year of marriage even if every doctor I went to assured me that i would never father children, since i was involved in an accident during my childhood, my wife was pregnant i thought she had cheated on me, then i took the test to see if i could sire children, the tests came back positive ...i could ... a miracle or maybe a gift for all my good deeds. The child was born, it was ... it is my spitting image, a beauty only a parent would truly understand, then the problems started. Even if the birth was natural, the intervention left a scar that never healed completely, a sickly gift of the Romanian state and its incompetent doctors. I took an extension on the loan and after medical expenses piled on ,the child as well, but still sickly, just like the state that i was working for , but at least my wife recovered. But still the child has to this day a low immunity to disease, at least this situation will improve with age. And as for my wife ... already bearing the scar of her former husband's abuse received another scar from a medical system so utterly broken that it should be razed to the ground. The debt piled on and then another health check later my wife was discovered to have a heath and lungs issue that was caused by her child birth, she could not work anymore, the civil lawsuit was dismissed against the doctor and state, the state protecting its own. Our income took a dive , so i took on another job ... and another... i learned all i could foreign languages , plumbing , electrical works, but it's hard to find other jobs to moonlight , the apartments we would rent would get smaller and smaller as the mounting debt increased. I caught her eldest daughter ... my ... our eldest daughter, trying to the unspeakable ... I snapped ... i bent the knee... and left the community i was protecting to fend for its self ... i betrayed my principles for family , i accepted the promotion i was feverishly offered time and time again by my superiors , i did not have to commute and received a better wage, i made ends meet, but then fate had other plans for me. The service for internal affairs, enticed by bribes from the people i had spurned ,started to investigate my activity and even when their investigation fell flat and no evidence of misconduct surfaced , i was sanctioned and demoted, my benefits slashed and salary reduced. My eldest daughter asked me to let her do ... other jobs ... I lashed out and berated her for having such a thought... she sensed our desperation, we refused to cave in to it, but it was at this point my wife started to lose her hair and i started to lose my health ... i had a mini-stroke and then another ... i had 7 in total before I realized that the temporary blindness in one eye was in fact a mini stroke and then another few weeks passed before I had the money to receive medical treatment. I sustained damage to the brain that will never heal and might shorten my lifespan by a few decades, but at least i can work and provide for my family even if the words i use come out all wrong sometimes. My debt to the banks increased again and a friend of mine, out of pity more than anything else, rented me one of his apartments at half the rate it goes at in this part of the city. Then as if clockwork, i was dealt another bad hand, my second eldest who i had suspicions was dyslexic, actually had myopia, a result of the beating she received from her drunkard father, she needs corrective eye surgery, but i only had the money to buy her prescription glasses a temporary fix, maybe in time i will have the money but i hope i will not be to late. A moment of respite came when , a workers union for the police force, learning of my problems offered to pay half the legal fees for a civil lawsuit to fight the sanction by which i was demoted and my salary cut, i won for the moment, but the case is still in debate at the Court of Appeals, i am spending what remains of my hope that the decision will be upheld. And then another twist of fate my daughter, my youngest ... fell ill again, the medical bills were expensive, but she is alright, but now i have no money, no money to pay the banks to whom i owe 15000 euros, no money for my wife's treatment, no money for my second eldest eye surgery, no money and no more hope to spare. I have this mandatory insurance from the bank… it pays 100000 euros if i die... in an accident or course . I joked with my wife that me dying would solve all our problems; we could pay of all our debt . She started crying and did not speak with me for a few days. Now i am on the edge of the abyss staring in to the void, with banks threatening to take away what little... i have ...my family has, and with the regret of sacrificing what i believed in to keep my head above the water, with my daughters in need and my own health declining... I feel like a person on his deathbed seeing the end ... and endless abyss . Will the abyss look back at me, and what will i do then. I hope people will help me after they read my story , that is all I can do now ... Hope anew with no hope remaining ... and also pray that people read and care enough to be kind and help kin.