I need a therapist, I’m losing my mind.

Hello I'm from Turkey 24 years old and I can not continue with my life after my father died while I was in doing my duty at army.

Well I don't know what to say but I will try my best to explain my situation. My english is not perfect sorry for any mistake I make.

The year 2015 I was required to serve as a soldier like every man that hit's age 20 so I went to do that started my training for it at TOKAT for 1.5 month my father visited me for home vacation you can do that if you have a parent or wife to take you from the facility. He was looking healthy he took me to a restaurant I was under heavy training and food was not great so I was happy but he didn't eat anything at all it was strange to me but didn't care. We talked and he told me he will buy a car when I come back after 12 months of total service under army. I was telling him my dreams and how the training is going on and stuff. it was only for 2 days and he left to İstanbul to our home and I was back at the facility.

Where I trained is was sending soldiers to borders so everyone was scared or proud to learn where is their assigment. İt could be any border some was scared me ? I actually didn't care I don't know why I didn't care, some people cried when they learned their assigment is at a dangerous zone.

My assigment was at VAN which has border with Iranian so we went there and traveled between 3 place you can stay if they need you at safer places border is the smallest facility you can get to so I went up to the border station. The commander assign me to central to look to phones and there was only two central soldier one is for day one is for night, I was the night shift all I do was sitting and look at phones make records helping to the commanders etc. Some soldiers is jealous of cook,central soldier cause they don't go to towers which can be really cold and stay there watch.

Everything was good for 1 month I can't remember exact time marks but it was like a month. A phone call from home my sister telling me my father has lung cancer. I used my vacation days to visit him than visited him more which cost me my entire soldier salary and some savings. I used 1.5 month of extra which made my serve time 1.5 month longer. I was so quiet one of my commander even helped me a lot but others was not helpfull. I was thinking about him all day and night most of the soldiers didn't even support me saying me stuff like you are only going cause you want a vacation etc. I was losing my mind and keep telling myself its all gonna be over soon. My family didn't inform me very well but I was seeing my father decaying with every visit I made. 10 days left so I can complete my service and come home I was having short phone calls with my father the last call he told me '' I love you son'', the commander that helped me and told me that he arranged a flight to see my father and it won't effect my time. Little I know that was cause it was a permission cause my father passed away. I hop to the air plane landed my big brother and my uncle was there my uncle said my father is passed away. I didn't cry, I didn't say anything I just get home everyone is crying went to the funeral burried him and it was all like a movie I wanted to end, went back to being a soldier some apologized and one of them said sorry I didn't know you were telling the truth. I didn't know what to do so I waited and get home nothing was the same.

I locked myself which did not do me any good. I don't talk with any of my friends since. I wanted to finish the high school one day I went outside and I realized I can't walk. I was passing time with computer I was hospitalized because I cannot breathe outside or walk. I worked in a job with my uncle for 5 months which was like hell to me cause I felt powerless dizzy can't eat and the payment I took was going towards my big brother which had some debts due to his marriage around my fathers illness.

I went to see a doctor with my mother and she just gave me a pill for depression and anxiety. I didn't want to leave the bed or open my eyes nothing was giving me pleasure or the will to go on. I was feeling ill dizzy...

Right now I'm still fighting with the depression and anxiety. I need to see a therapist which costs a lot of money I don't want to go see a doctor which is going to give me pill.

I'm losing my mind. I'm like a robot right now I feel powerless and I feel dizzy when walking in crowded areas. I have stomach problems gas is making me sick, I can't eat or drink that anything makes gas its making my life hell. I want to be a better person I want to cry I can't cry right now I'm like a robot.. I want to live and my current financial situtation doesn't let me.

I want to see the world change so any person can get the medical attention they see, I feel like I'm a burden to my family.

I can't work due to what I suffer when I go outside. I'm fearing that it will go worse if I don't take action.

it's been like this for 3 years and my life is going no where I'm at home all the time help me see a therapist and give me a chance to fight.

For anything you can reach me with whatsapp which is +90 505 995 63 94