I know there are many worthy causes on this site so I hope my personal need doesnt offend anyone for perhaps seeming unimportant in comparison. It has become desperate for me to try to raise funds in this way.
I will keep my storyline short, but basically, I have been diagnosed (since 19 - I am now 26) with a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD affects my life in every way, every day, and it is a draining, corrupting, perservering agony that I have done everything in my power to allieviate and improve. I want to enlarge on it more, but it's very complex and hard to explain - If you type in BPD into google you will see a clear definition of what it is that people with this disorder stuggle most with. Everyones experience of it is personal. Along with that main diagnoses I suffer with body dysmorphia, dysthymia (which is a mild but long term depression) and anxiety.
I dated a man I fell deeply in love with and we got married March 2010. The first day of our honeymoon, he hit me. I almost killed myself that night by jumping off the balcony but was (fortunately) held back - I was beyond distraught. (People with BPD have major problems with regulating the strength of our emotions. Something someone else could usually handle becomes a terror zone for us, mentally) Anyway,our marriage carried along that vein until he (being a violent victimised narcissist) started lying to the police about me. He would hit me, and then call the police to say I hit him! That was about six months after we married. One night I stayed at my parents (lounge floor - they dont have any spare rooms) to cope, and went back to speak to him the next day. He'd changed the locks. Basically, our relationship went back and forth in a volitile cycle of him ignoring me, then begging me back, and then abusing me - Repeat. I was classified by the NHS as a vulnerable adult, and boy did I feel it at the end of it all.
This cycle finally ended when he said he was leaving me to move in with a woman he'd met just weeks earlier. I started divorce proceedings and tried to finally escape. That was early this year. He has no money either, so we both ended our marriage with nothing.
Before he moved out that time, though, he'd developed a plan to hurt me further. He left me in our flat for a week, no contact, then came back to collect his massive television (which I never watched) with two friends. An hour later, the police came round charging me with assault. I never, ever, touched him. I felt sick to my stomach as I was carted away and left OVERNIGHT (without my medication) until 4pm the next day after they interviewed me. I was banned from the family home, he'd changed the locks, and the police had to accompany to pick up my stuff. Obviously, there was barely anything I could take, because the police said I could only have five minutes to get essentials ONLY. So the most important things, were my cats.
Teddy, whom I loved more than words could even say, he was a beautiful british shorthair, and I can't begin to tell you how much he meant to me, was gone. He was my world, along with Tiffany, my other sweet, gentle cat. He left Tiffany, with his stepmum and horrid violent dad, in the flat, and made off with Teddy. I later discovered he had given him away. The police could do nothing. Also, when I was allowed back two weeks later, I discovered he had sold everything and started moving in with this woman. They were shocked at his vile behaviour. To cut a long story short, the police didnt believe I hit him so they never took it to court. I didnt :-(
I just want to say, since 19, I have been in therapy, many different types, and on every type of medication possible. All of this, ALL OF IT, has been completely useless in helping me. I have started looking into alternative, recommended therapies and medication. The last medication I was on was Venlafaxine 225mg for a year and it made me zombie like, I didnt know myself at all and I was still impulsive and anxious and disjointed. It thinned my hair, made ridges all along my nails, and actually gave me undereye wrinkles from dehydration - It would make me sweat every night!
Anyway, I am off of them now and looking forwards. My friend had a terrible illness and got cured from it by a woman he's now recommended to me, and he has gone into detail with why he feels it will help, but she is not NHS state funded, and especially since being left with nothing (and my disorder makes it hard for me to find work - I currently work part time, as much as I can, in a lettings agent who are very considerate of my weaknesses) I cannot afford her at all. I had to move into a very small flat, unfurnished, and didnt have furniture or kitchen utensils for a while! Fortunately there are sites like freecycle etc, but still, times are so hard, and I am desperately struggling for money. There are honestly some days I have little or nothing to eat. That coupled with regular bills rent and repayments have exhausted me financially, and the marriage breakdown, emotionally. Mentally, I am an absolute desperate wreck, and as a last resort I would do anything to raise funds to see this lady to see if she could help me improve my life. If she could help with the anxiety and extreme mood swings I might be able to stabilise my life and find a better paid job with longer hours. Better still, I might be in a place where I can pursue the things I love - photography, art, poetry, writing, crafts - I do these after work anyway as hobbies, and alot of bible study, which I enjoy, but maybe one day I could afford a good enough camera due to having a good job in order to follow my dreams and become an alternative photographer or perhaps an architect, or an interior designer!
Please, if you could donate anything at all I would be so grateful because it would give me hope again - Something I feel I am really running out of.
Thank you and so sorry for the essay xx
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