I Just one day to be equal to others. No more no less. Grateful for my life lessons. If im moy contributing to another in need then I have no passion to live for. I am totally depleted of any value in order to have personal relationships. I made it work all my lifr and now thst I meed help Im making excuses ir blaming everyone. Im not the only one in the world and I would just love for once for everyone to look withon. How am zi supposed to live without people. We are the people who make the world good. I'm sitting here now feeling like frosty the snow man. Sounds strange but I feel as if every day I melt down to nothing and then repeat some program, feeling deep emotions from the place in which i live and all those around me. When I was young I was learning how to become someone with a future, so all day I was being educated in the class rooms and while in there, I was thinking about the job and while I was on the job I was thinking about having kids, a home and a loving family.
Today, Im seeing everyone around me looking ahead to the future like its anything different than where we have all ended up. I'm saying, not much has changed and you never get to the point of true living with meaning..too many out there pointing the way. We need to pointless, say less and do more right now. If we continue to plan for our future without being right here right now, we are never going to make it there because you can't plan on being one place if your in another.
Why do we place our kids to learn something we still have not learned, I guess we feel we need teachers to teach them something we know nothing about oh, but our jobs supply us with more debt notes and we save those for our future..
I'm thinking what I've been taught really makes no cents, you can't have health if you can't pay for health insurance, you buy a car, house etc with federal reserved debt notes and they attach their bills to it so if you default, you get nothing back and that's a guarantee, they take it free and clear releasing the debt and refinance your life savings..
Today, its just the same as the past because those thinking the old way will never birth another happy day..I'm so tired of being stuck in the old system..its so old school..say it or plan it, it won't change till you do.
I know now that I want my kids to have a future so something's are gonna change right now..the system is not responsible, YOU ARE, WE ARE
Did you really plan or go to school to learn you are right here right now,? Is this what you worked all your life for? If this hasn't taught you anything, then maybe school has been the right thing for you along with the right jobs and right relationships because we are falling miserably
All the questions and answers about me below.
I want others to know I know how to work for my needs. I need better people in my life.Who needs help? It helps if you know how to help. Feeling sorry for anyone helps no one. I personally did not have the greatest childhood and Im sure there are many who had it far worse than me. Im not sure how I managed to block out almost everything up until around thirteen but I had hopes of seeing my mom again one day and I believe thats how I got through. When my mom was 16 she and her father had a disagreement and her last words were I hate you, I wish you were dead. I believe my mom thought people blamed her and I know all she wanted to say is, Im sorry and I love you. So when her and my dad divorced he some how got custody of me and my sister Lynn. He assured my mom she could see us anytime she wanted to. We were in Atlanta and just like that he sent us far away to make sure our mom would never see us again..
And here is where my life journey transformation begins. Here again my life just dont make any sense because I have flash backs and they dont come in radom order. My mom was remarried and had my two younger sisters. I remember my mom was a hard worker and now I understand why she worked so much. I never understood why she felt like she didnt deserve better for all of us and herself. There were many times me and my sister lynn were physically abused by our stepfather. One of his rages sent us to the hospital and they were going to charge my mom with child abuse. She and my stepfather came up with a story that we got hurt on a swing set and nothing else was said.
I remember running away and being put in juvenile and one time ended up in a foster home. I learned that the best thing I could do is just keep my mouth shut and learn to deal with it the best way I knew how to. I learned to forgive those who never said they are sorry. Saying sorry meant nothing if your not changing what you do. Let me say this. I have plenty of excuses I could use to degrade and manipulate and turn myself into the victim. Even my mother that I loved more than anything in this world said and did things to me that kept my head hanging down. I was so insecure about my teeth because she called me a bucktooth bitch when she got drunk and would lock me outside and I would have to sleep in the hallways of the apartments we lived in. I was sick of feeling like no matter what there was nothing I could do to make people change. I learned I am responsible for everything I do. Im not responsible for how people chose to treat me. I learned its not all about me, its about we. If I treated people the way they treat me then that means nothing ever changes. I know how it feels to hurt. I can honestly say I have never and I mean never hurt anyone internationally.
Do you think I needed to get pregnant at 16? My mom had me put on birth control because it was supposed to make my periods less painful. I remember getting sick one morning getting ready for school. Mom said your pregnant I said no way im on the pill and I just got off my period. I started waking up sick every morning after that and the test revealed I was feeling like I should.
My mom told me my stepdad was not going to allow me to stay there if i was pregnant. I was thinking thats pretty screwed up because I was paying rent and did chores. Mom said you need to let me take you to the abortion clinic and the guy only did a donation because his mom said for me to never make contact with him or his family. I was failing almost every class because I couldn't retain forced learning when I was forced to adapt to living in a dysfunctional environment. I was good at keeping peace and standing up for my mom when hell broke out. I never treated them less because it made it better for me. My mom said your going to have to get an abortion. That day I started asking myself why does she expect me to give up something that's mine. Well where do you think your going to go. Hell I guess I go with you up there, I never said I was going there for me. I remember having to take off all my clothes in the bathroom and put on a gown. I looked around the bathroom and they had bars on the Windows. I said I need to get the hell out of here..so i walked into a room where a table was and I said im not doing this. The lady said just let us see how far along you are. They put that ultrasound jelly on me and i was looking at the screen, the lady said turn your head and look away. Well a few minutes later she said I need to speak to your mom. Well I thought good because Im going to get dressed and Im leaving. My mom came in the bathroom and said your further along and its going to cost a lot more now. I said mom I dont want to do this. She said lets go eat and talk and let me call momna and tell her. I already made my mind up but yet I was worried about what everyone was going to say if I didnt. Didnt think anyone was going to validate how I felt. Well I could understand why those protesters were calling me a murderer and shaming me. I was crying and telling them I didnt do it I was still pregnant. A young preacher man walked up to me and my mom and started talking to me and handed me a pamplet that had pictures of the development of the embryo. I said momma my baby already has a heart and I would be just as heartless as all them women inside that dungeon. Well that was something I never wanted to experience again.
I was told but I didnt believe he would really make me leave. I mean mom wont just put me out..would she? I understood that she was already catching hell because we lied as long as we could. He kept saying your stomach sure is getting big. Abortions I guess do that to you. Well christmas was just another day to remind me what my dad made sure me and my sister knew..no such thing as Santa, no Easter bunny and no tooth fairy. No problem Ill figure it out like I always have...I have one person I could always depend on, thats right me. I had no choice but to leave, Because where there is a will, God will show me the way.
My sister Lynn is the only one I had that I have actually known my whole life. She got pregnant at 13 she was living with my dad, my dad didnt have a problem telling me the reason I couldn't live with him. He didn't think. I was his and I was ugly. Pity me? Im not saying that was something I wanted to hear but I guess either place i would never be good enough. . My sister said to come live with her. At that time she had already had my two nephew's and I believe she just had my neice. God love my sister but it broke my heart to see the life she was living having three babies. We were lucky to split a can of beans between us. The trailer was in horrible shape and I remember falling through a hole in the floor and I started having pains. God I hated seeing my sister go through what seemed a living nightmare.
I decided I dont need to be a burden on her even though she didn't want me to leave. I had to choose what would be best for me so I went and stayed with my best friend at her mother's. I always got along good with my friends moms. I was more than willing to do the chores my friends were supposed to do so they didnt get in trouble. I know my needs have always worked in the right order. If I was around I knew what I needed to do to help them. Personal relationships are what mattered to me. You cant give what you dont have and if you dont have it then you dont need it. I didnt have people who personally valued me, but none the less I put my time and heart into the things I value, so Ive learned not everyone values the same need. I learned people value money and degrade the values of humans. I started bleeding and having contractions and I had no prenatal care up until this point but I believed from what the abortion clinic told me then my baby was not going to be too premature. I was taken by ambulance to Grady Hospital.
They had me hooked up to an iv and took me to have an ultra sound. They let me look at the screen and the doctor asked me how far along I was. I told him what the abortion clinic told me and I told him I knew there was no way I was that far along. Well I was right and then he said did they tell you that you were pregnant with twin boys? I started crying and he said are you crying because they are boys? I said no because there are two and they lied. I have no idea how im ever gonna make it with two.
I was admitted into Grady and they had people come talk to me about putting them up for adoption and I said there is no way not after what Ive been through. I havent talked to or heard from my dad and I already knew I blew my chance ever amounting to anything he would value. I never met my new stepmom, I didnt even know he divorced the first one. Right or wrong my New stepmother came up to visit me, without my dad. I really liked how she made me feel I mattered and God knows if I hadnt already been forced to live with less because of my father then I would have probably gave my boys a better life and I could tell she would be a great mother. See my dad had a vasectomy after I was born and now he wanted kids with her. So I was thinking did he forget or am I just supposed to value his need of me? I wasn't rude and I never told her my reason because I would never make her feel wrong when she has never done anything wrong to me. I dont think I had anyone else come visit me except my friend and her family. I was up there for 2 months on bed rest and every day they wheeled me down to the baby ccu. There I sat looking at all these tiny little babies with tubes, bells and whistles. I seen that all of them in there were fighting, not with each other but they were fighting to stay alive. I said why do I have to sit in here and watch this, and why am I being punished. I wanted to know why I needed to feel such intense pain. I put myself in every place a baby was laying and I said my baby's are not even in here. Ms Mahaffey your boys have less of a survival rate. Huh? What makes you think you know something about my babys..I thought do you know who you are talking to. Tell me something thst i know too. He said its because my babys were white and I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I thought well for all you know they could be Indians chief. I didnt say it but I wanted to..so continue on so I can try and reason with this. Im not sure if anyone has ever heard this before or if he was psychic. African American baby's fight harder to stay alive more so then the lighter skin. That stayed stuck in my head and I cant say its true or not true. While I was in there I was scared to get to close to any of them because I didnt want to see an empty bed the next day. Back in the old days you didnt get a tv in your room unless you paid for it. Since I liked to bath myself I used to put a towel on my head and walk myself to the shower. Sitting in a bed all day was not rest to me becsuse my mind was going a million miles in every direction. Whioe i was in the nice warm shower and had my hair all soapy someone starts beating on the door and calling my name and i said she not in here but if i see her i tell her to come see you. I.was told your not to even get up to go use the bathroom but i did a few more times. Two months passed and they got my contractions to stop and I was being released.
Now I know Im not going to sit here and tell someone to come empty my bed pan at my friends. It will be better for me to take about five steps ..and I thought the pipes busted because ive never seen so much water come from no where. Now all I could think about is my babys are not going anywhere without me.
I think i was in labor over 32 hours before they said I was not going to dilate over 1/2 centimeter. I was shaking so bad and thinking what If i die or what if they do. I started feeling sorry for myself because people don't do this everyday but i told myself im not everybody's life and they dont have to be here but I do. I was like hey let maybe i wasnt breathing right snd pushing hard enough and Id rather do that instead of being cut open. They told me to roll on my side so they could give me an epideral. Im not sure why they didn't just give me laughing gas because they had to totally strap any part I could move down. My body would not go numb and i was saying just let me die please stop I cant take this oh God please take me now. I made it through and my boys Christopher Blake 3 pnds and Corey Shay 2 pnds. Christopher lived 13 days and Corey 1 year 3 months. Neither ever made it out and never once got to hold Christopher til he passed. Corey only got up to 8 pounds .
At 21 I got married for the first time had a miscarriage and divorced all within a year. I signed everything over to him and left because he wanted it. I was in a five year relationship and it ended as soon as my birth control failed. I was once again on my own and balanced work and raising my son on my own. The courts ordered him to pay 157 but he was making 2 to 4000 a week but since he sold cars they didn't count commision. So i was paying for insurance and expenses to live. I never counted on him and he never had anything to do with our son Kyle. He dad passed several years back owing over 18000 but that was due to me and I had to do the best I could. I went from a one bedroom then to a two bedroom town home. Got promoted at my job as on site manager making 55,000 a year. I payed off any and all debt i had to purchase my home. I got pregnant yes on birth control again with my daughter's father that worked the same place as me. He had nothing when we got together and i became his manager. I basically gave him any load he wanted and there were times if i planned him on a shorter load to come home and help he would rather stay out. I basically had to beg him to marry me because i did not want to have a child out of wedlock. We got married right after I moved into the house and three months I had my daughter. My son was a full time job alone and I was on call 24/7 i went back to work from home a week ir two after Kelsee was born. I managed to balance life out the best I could. When i asked him to take anither manager and be home more to help he said it makes more sense I stay home because ge was making 85,000. Ive never given up my independence but my kids came before my job. Needless to say thing's did not turn out right and I honestly dont know why he could help me by just doing whats right. He had no vested money or all the heart I put into raising the standard. I put his son on my insurance because he was not doing what he was supposed to do for his son. He was behind in child support and i helped with that to.
We ended up splitting up and went through defacs because that was how i could cover for the time he was not there. I dud it for three years before he even noticed and i dont think he would have had someone not said anything. I was afraid uf he found out he would tru and hurt me. I was reaching out for help so I turned to my mom. My mom in turn extended my use for two more years because mom just always had that addictive personality. I ended up being set up from my husband. Right or wrong I had gotten my 401k money out of my retirement from Equifax about 14,000. I was planning on getting my divorce but instead the day i was set up my nanny had just passed. He had a doctor's appointment and he stopped to get us lunch. I remember that day like its today. I was on the phone and i got off ate half of my burrito, I took a drink of my Dr pepper and i remember feeling my body falling. I woke up soaking wet my head pounding and under cover in my daughters room. They started interrogating demanding I open up my safe. I assume me making a deposit into my account was my husband making them think i was a drug dealer. My husband had a key to my car and was always looking to find something to use against me.I was asked to open the safe and they were looking like they hit the jackpot but I just had my social security card in there. They told me I was going to do a drug deal, I said I'm not going to do a drug deal I need to go to the hospital and be tested. They said if I wouldn't do a drug deal I was going to jail. They had my hands cuffed behind my back and I asked them could they button my pants and Im still not sure why my pants were undone in the first place. They wouldn't button my pants or let me. I was walked out in front on my daughter and neighborhood. Its was very humbling. It took me9 months to get my kids back. I remember the case worker said there was only a 3% recovery rate and I said well Im that 3%. I finished the case and got full custody back for both kids. During this time my ex filed for divorce he made aggrement with dfacs saying he would pay the house note in lue of child support, it didnt happen. I had a pro bono attorney in the beginning but my ex kept dragging it out. I had no job no money but I assure you I still let him get Kelsee every other weekend even though he refused to help. Later I get a letter my house is in foreclosure. I then got a lawn mower put it in my trunk and got money to get another attorney. We didn't get into court until a week or so before my house was going to be gone. Those attorneys told me not to worry but when we got ready to go before the judge, I asked what about the house. I was told to keep my mouth shut or the judge would take my kids away from me. I mean what was I supposed to do? My ex's attorney got up and poor mouthed about how broke he was and all his friends did a chain letter to pay his attorney fees. My ex was speaking that he was so broke that he didnt have food to feed my daughter when she came. I said yes I know thats why I always sent a box of food every time she went. My attorneys tried to get me to settle for 200 a month I said I would rather get the judge to decide. He told him he would pay me 725.00. Shortly before I had to leave my house they came and repoed my car that I bought for 27, 000 and owed 4,000. I asked my ex to help me out and he said if I would sign it over to him he would take it. I let it go back.
Needless to say my ex was mad at me and called me a money hungry bitch when i really could have done better if he would have been made to follow the order. He was still a truck driver and he had to work Kelsee into him job schedule. I always encouraged the relationship and always made sure I could keep her when he couldnt get her. I was aggrivated because Iwas having trouble making ends meet and being one parent with two kids you cant schedule sick days to work for me. Well he went out and bought a brand new Harley, got married and went on a honeymoon. I was happy for him but its like I was last on his list. I was evicted three times by the time Kelsee turned 15 and not once did he offer to at least get her and she never asked to live with him because she knew she had a choice.
When all this moving started I ended up running into the guy that got me pregnant when I had the twins at 16. At that time i was getting a little money here and there from my ex. He knew I was having a hard time and my daughter was staying with the people who took me and my son in when he was about 4 months old. He called and told me I need to cancel his child support enforcement case. I said your so far behind im not doing it because your not paying me now what makes me think you care. He was not happy but I never said I was.
I was trying desperately to end the relationship with the guy from high school. When I finly got into a small house that i had to remodel some of the inside just to have a place to live my life became a nightmare. I had drain acid in my shower filter, drain acid in my washer that ate holes in my clothes and urine in my cleaning supplies. I still to this day have no respect for the way I was treated. I asked to speak to a lieutenant and this man got on the phone and when i told him what had happened he started laughing and said are you sure its not meth? You know I didnt see anything funny about what he was trying to insinuate. I was arrested but never charged but it came up on my background check and they refused to exsponge it from my record and it has kept me from getting back into the trucking industry. So much happened at this time because everytime I left the house someone was coming in. I tried recording and they always shut it down. My mother had just gotten a hip replacement and ended up getting an infection in her other leg and was put on life support. She ended up losing half of her leg buy nothing slowed this woman down. Thing's became unmanageable for me because my house was being saturated with pesticide that I have highly allergic to. I called kelsees dad and asked him to please help me because. I needed to get her in school.
He did alright took me to court because he said I needed to drop that case. I had no attorney and had no clue he was taking my daughter into court to act like I wouldn't let her live with her dad. I raised bith of my kids and I could not believe he had my daughter do that. I had nothing and was staying to help my mom and the judge did not care that I didnt get the balance due to me from the original order that was over 17,000 and canceled that to zero and ordered me to pay him 200 a month. I had a van no tag and no insurance no job no nothing. I didnt stand a chance to say anything so I walked out and didnt sign custody papers or anything.
When i was at my moms my ex boyfriend started things between me and my mom and anytime he came up there her cats and mine started getting sick and any thing you could open was tampered with. Lotions would leave red lesions on your skin l, my hair was falling out but it was nothing like I went through before I moved up with her. There is one thing when someone is doing craxy things to you and you find a pill bottle with antidepressants in it but you know its your bottle that was in a draw empty, someone has done some craxy stuff that I literally started having seizures. I was knocked out cold many times and sometimes I had been knocked out for a whole day. Ive always been more of a naturalist and made a lot of my products.
One time my ex gave me a beer and as soon as I put a swollow in my mouth it would no go down my throat my mouth started watering profusely and I was doubled over. He took the bottle and ran to the garden. I was in bed for two days before I could drive myself to the er but since I didnt have anything for them to test they said they could not test me. I heard the nurse call me a code13.
I have moved 43 times in the last seven years. Im a very hard working dedicated person. The last thing I need is a relationship but I need good people in my life. Ive had to work in a house that was being flipped and worked inside it so I would have a roof over my head but no way to pay for my basic needs. Ive gone and worked for several people who knew i needed the money but then when Im finished its some excuse. I understand this is my fault and I take full responsibility for my actions. Ive always put others needs before my own because my needs dont work for me because my life is not worth living for me. I need people to see me as an equal. Ive been in need of medical treatment because my feet swell and my toes turn purple, i have severe leg pain, joint pain, abnormal bleeding stomache pain, anxiety, depression. I cant even manage to have a healthy relationship because I do everything I can do to show my appreciation for my basic needs beinh taken care of so I spend my time doing what they need to do and if i dare mention how bad my mouth hurts to where I cant even smile anymore I get called meth mouth. So I don't trust just anyone and I don't even know how to ask for what i need. Ive been basically living like a homeless person for seven years because I can't go order the court to pay the balance that I already worked for and my ex lied to the judge because he was only home two days a week. He had his mother coming to watch my daughter or a girlfriend. I think its sad that he dont even respect what he got to keep when I was not order or asked to do. I dont even have a way to be around my kids. I didn't even graduate but i gave my kids a better life and I became everything I didn't have. Men today treat me like I need to serve their needs. Ive slept in a barn with no water or electricity because everytime if I don't do what they need then I have to leave. Im told to get a job. I don't have a problem working but i do have a problem when people put their needs before mine or when I have to pretend being disrespected don't bother me. My life is like it is because Ive always thought more of others and its like they think less of me. I know my needs are so many but after the legal system failed me, I have failed at life miserably. I dont know how to get back my independence. To depend on anyone for me needs Im stuck now living under the roof of a narcissist. He needs serious help. My life he thinks lived through him. My mother passed 03/06/2018. I didn't get to see her before she left and she is the only one who understood the nightmare I cant wake up from.