Hello everyone, this is my heaven angel Hideo Eiichi. My cute and loving angel. My everything.
It's been four long months since I lost my baby but it feels like forever to me. This is my story, I just want to let out my sadness with you, guys.
June 27, 2020, when we knew that I am pregnant. My baby was 6 months and 2 weeks. We didn't expect it because I had irregular periods before. I also didn't experience those pregnancy symptoms at all. September 18, when I got my last utrasound. We were so happy cause after six years trying, we got a baby!
September 22, one week before my due date, my water broke. He is full term at 39 weeks so, we expected that. It was 4 in the morning but I have no pain or contractions which is necessary for a normal delivery.
Times passed, its already 10am when I went in the delivery room, however my water bag is not enough for me to push my baby easily. I've been pushing my baby for 5 hours and he got stuck in there. Because of that, his heartbeat became weaker and weaker.
Three in the afternoon, when my baby got out. He isn't crying but the midwife saw that his heart is still beating. My mother in law, rushed my baby into the emergency room. There are lots of machine with him. My heart aches seeing him in that condition but He is fighting!
I can't sleep and rest that time, I can't close my eyes for a second even if I am so tired. All I want to know is that my baby is safe and alive. 6pm. My partner came in the room, he told me that our baby didn't survived. I was really devastated that night. Our room is shared with other moms, so I can see them with their own babies. And it's driving me crazy. Even if I'm tired and weak, I told my husband that I want to go to his funeral right then.
I was hoping that I will go home with him, not going to his funeral. I'm still missing him. I feel like I can't move on, until I have a baby soon. I feel like I can't do anything, anymore. I feel like everything was my fault. If I delivered my baby in a private hospital and chose cesarean, my baby could be alive. I'm still imagining things.
And here I am watching as my son was being buried under the ground. I can't feel anything at all. I can't feel that I gave birth and didn't sleep during those three days I was with him. I didn't even go home and just stay right by his side. All I can do now is think of him. I can't hug nor kiss him, I didn't had the chance. His laugh and cry, everything about him. Everyday I'm still longing. All I want is to have a family. My biological parents sold me when I was a baby and the one who adopted me abuse me sexually and physically. At 14, I left home and stand on my own. I started working and studying at the same time. I thought that now is the time that I will have a whole family, but why?
Now, I want to ask for your help. Due to the negligence of the lying in, here I am suffering infections down there and I need some medical attention. I'm also still suffering from Bell's Palsy and mental depression as well. I can even support myself because of my Bell's Palsy, half of my face is paralyzed. I can't even work even if I want to. I am asking each and everyone of you to help me with my situation.
Your help will mean much to me. Even a small amount will really help me. Hideo knows how much I thank you guys, he will be guiding us all.
Yours truly, Aya
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