I’VE LEFT MY AIRPLANE IN THE CAR

Update posted by Justyna Siuta On Apr 03, 2019

It’s been three months since paramedics arrived in the afternoon of the 3rd of January to find my lifeless body on a bed. Some suicide attempts are a cry for help. Mine was different. I had lost all my faith in a possibility of recovery; in a possibility of ever experiencing any kind of emotion other than despair or fear.

I feel eternally grateful for being given another chance at life. However, my emotional battle is far from over. My meds have been changed three times since I tried to kill myself, and the doctors are struggling to find the right combination of antidepressants, antipsychotics, and tranquilizers to help me fight the multiple mental disorders which are affecting me every single minute. Even the simplest activities require superhuman strength. Getting out of bed when feeling depressed and powerless is particularly challenging. There are days when I lie with my eyes closed, streams of tears pouring down my cheeks, and I think I don’t have what it takes to live a happy, peaceful life. But I force myself to get up, take a shower, do the shopping, and it gets easier. At the lowest points of my depression I didn’t leave the house for weeks. I’ve found it incredibly helpful to make small adjustments to my morning routine. As the hours go by I start feeling hopeful about my future.

I have taken on a few students to help me pay the bills. However, since I had barely spoken to anyone for months before my suicide attempt I find it hard to reconnect with those cheerful and chatty components of my personality that used to make me a great teacher. What is more, I have serious trust issues as the one person I asked for help – my mother – inflicted pain on me and watched my emotional state deteriorate.

Therapy is the most helpful tool when it comes to fighting Post-Traumatic Stress and Borderline Personality Disorders, which have been ‘acquitted guilty’ of my suicide attempt. However, there is a one-year-long waiting list for the state-funded one. The last thing I want right now is to be forced to watch myself sink into despair again due to my poor financial situation.

My life is at stake. If you can spear a tiny bit of money to enable me to live – and that’s all I ask for as a suicide survivor – I’d be eternally grateful for believing in me. For believing my life is worth saving.

Update posted by Justyna Siuta On Mar 06, 2019

Dear Friends,

Last Friday I was encouraged to leave the hospital earlier than anticipated. Due to a severe chest infection, I had to be put in isolation with two other sick patients for nearly a week! Deprived of most of my personal belongings, including my phone and my laptop, I had more than enough time to think about all those little things I’ve been missing out on when depressed such as traveling around the world, bridges of Istanbul at sunset, Tate Modern, Dalston Market, the warm sun of Puglia, Italian food, European films, hot yoga, heated political debates, long walks in the park, running, dancing and to my surprise, cooking!

I left the hospital severely anemic but with plenty of appetite for life. Thanks to the generosity of my donors I was able to rent a room of my own on Airbnb whilst searching for something more permanent. I can’t stress enough how grateful I feel for all the help I received. Despite the fact that I am still facing financial difficulties, I was able to start fresh.

Warm greetings from Gdańsk!

Justyna

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