hello, my name is Ayi. I've been diagnosed as beta thalassemia major when i was 3 years old. We need to go to capital city back and forth once every 2 weeks because the hospital in my town doesnt have the needed facility for thalassemia treatment back then. Because of that, my growth weren't same as normal kid at my age. I missed alot of classes too, but fortunately the teachers understand my condition. At 12 years old i got hypersplenism and decided to go through spleen removal treatment (splenectomy). The surgery went great on me. I was able to eat more and move around more freely. Before the surgery i cant eat much as i want and get full easily, i cant even move around freely because my stomach becomes big eventho i ate only a little. Few other kids who didnt know my illness teases me that i look a like a pregnant or got wormy in my stomaches. So after the surgery i was really happy i got lighter and get better. It was a bliss compared how i feel stuffed and uncomfortable like i used to be. After graduated my school, i tried exam for university i always wanted to and i got accepted. I was happy because of that. But once i live as university student, i realized that wasnt easy for me to cope up with the demand and student lifestyle. I must wake early and go to the class whole day and stayed up all night to do homeworks and research. My university been given me exceptions for my case. My mates and teachers too always supporting me, but its too hard for me. I always got nosebleed every night i stayed late for my homeworks and i realized somehow i developed an allergy to one of meds i've been using. So i decided to dropped out of university and focussing on my health first. When things calmed down, i still wanna try go to university. So i tried 1 local college near my home and seems easier for me to follow. But almost same thing happened. Scared of things got worse, i decided to dropped out despite the fact i only tried 1 semester. I really feel bad for my parent. Eventho they didnt say anything about it, i feel useless. I used to open online shop and selling clothes. It was going fine but it was too much for me to tend and i cant afford to pay someone to help, so i got stressed and decided to closed it. 2 year ago, my father got ill and when we bring him to check, doctor said he got cancer in his kidney and need treatment asap. I remember for once when i got transfussion that time, i got in the same room with him. But, i guess God loves him so much that decided to take him. He gone in less than a year. It really hard for us to take. It broke my heart remembering that he always with me and always supporting me. He didnt expect anything for me and loves us in his own way. I know that im not a good daughter for him, but i wished i could make him proud of me even just for once. Now i live with my mother and younger brother. My brother is still in college and my mother already retired from her job. We only lived by my mother pension fund. She works everything by herself. I tried to help as much as i can and she just tell me that its okay and told me to just stay still. I got tired really easily since few year ago. I really feel useless seeing my mother do housework by herself and her joint and knee are pained by it. I helped a little, since i got limited things i can do and space i can reach (im tiny in height and weight). My mother is the one who always takes care of me and pay for our social insurance administration and she pays the bills and another things we need. The social insurance administration were made by our goverment to cover our health bills. But it cant cover up 100% my meds and treatment need since few of medicine were imported because my country still cant produce some of that medicines. I got allegic too to few kind of medicines that suggested in insurance administration. So i have to buy it separately with our own money. I've been skipping my doctors suggestion to get vit d supplement and drink milk regularly because it cost more money and i already run out my saving, so we only lived by my mother pension funds. I already have $3000 debt to my best friend. She's very nice person. She never ask for me to get her money back, but still i feel bad. I tried my best to save money and pay her money back later. Lately i got depressed and have social anxiety. I've been avoiding people and cut my ties with my friends. I didnt even go to my cousin wedding eventho she asked personally and we were so close before. I feel like that everything surrounds me were changing while i become nothing. I been overthinking. I feel small and useless. I feel nervous whenever i talk to someone. I overthink about how other people judge or talk about me too. I feel hopeless and dont know what to do for my life.I still want to live my life, help my mother, pay for my debt and medical needs. I wish to live independently too without being burden to my mother or anyone else.
Thank you for hearing me off. Im sorry if i made mistakes. I never share my story to anyone before. Therefore, its sincere story of me and how i feel. English is not my first language. I wish you have a good day and please take care of yourself. Bless you. :)