Live again

Depression is a topic that is not spoken of much but it is a thief and even a killer surely a deadly dilemma. I am a mother of two little angels but honestly I don't feel like I am at all. I feel like I am a guardian who is failing terribly at my job and unfortunately no option of quitting or getting fired. I have lived with depression for five years now. I have just come to awareness. Reality has finally dawned on me on what exactly is going on. For the past two years I was searching for answers on what exactly was going on with my life but always left unanswered. Finally the question answered but has left me empty physically, emotionally, spiritually and material wise. I am rebuilding my life from scratch without a know how on where to begin. Feeling helpless because this thief called depression has destroyed me and I can't be able to explain myself to my loved ones or even friends because of the fear of rejection or not being understood leaving myself vulnerable. My husband hates me and looking back on who I was I wouldn't blame him I wasn't the best person to be around. My moods shifted from good to bad to worst. I came to reality of who I was by seeing someone going through the same thing and it dawned on me this is who I was. My prayers were finally answered I got to know what was wrong with me. I was was suffering from depression.

I was tired all the time and I surely kept saying I was tired that my husband got tired of me saying it. He kept saying there is never a time that your not tired and all I could do is look at him or say yes I am tired. I felt like I was carrying a heavy load on my shoulders all the time that I never get a chance to put down. Most often than not I was angry and could lash out at any time. They were days it was a task even getting out of bed. I isolated myself from friends all I wanted was to be alone but again that couldn't really happen because I had my babies to take care of. This was a heavy task for me that took a lot of energy if not all to handle. The house and my husband were neglected because there was just not enough strength to handle it all. My husband and babies saw the real me but whenever friends and family were around I wore a different face looking lively and happy but once they were gone hello back to reality. They were days I would change my baby's diaper and leave it on the floor and not even realize it was there . My husband took over house chores I was just not able to keep the home in order. If only we knew what was wrong with me my marriage would have survived this disaster. We argued all the time to a point where we became strangers living together. Conversation happened because of the kids anything regarding our relationship, love was six feet under. I love my husband very much but we couldn't see eye to eye always arguing lashing out harsh words to each other. It was so devastating that it fastened the pace of hitting rock bottom. My husband was so tired of me he couldn't stand being around me. My health was deteriorating that I made a choice of leaving my husband and kids I had nothing more to give and I felt like a total failure and disappointment. Fast forward we separated went back to my parents home with my kids whom I thank God accepted me and supported me at a time of need though they didn't quite know the reason for our separation and we couldn't explain it either because we didn't have a concrete reason. Lo and behold it was depression. I wish there was someone who told us earlier what it was it could have saved our marriage. Dawning on to reality I am beginning my life from scratch picking up the pieces left behind. Jobless, catching up to the rest of the world 5 years later. Married leaving in my own home back into my parents house sharing a room with my kids. Depression a killer that most often than not steals away the souls of innocent people

This is the new reality of many mothers. If you have gone through this or know a friend or a loved one who is suffering from depression step up and support this campaign to help reach out to others who need help, give a voice to those who don't save a marriage before it's too late