Kiri Howard’s Facial Feminization Surgery Fund

Hi everyone,

My name is Kiri Howard, you may know me from twitch or my youtube channel.

Almost 2 years ago, I went to Bangkok Thailand with the incredible help of so many wonderful people to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Waking up on February 1, 2021, after my surgery, I felt the relief of a thousand-pound weight lifted off my soul... the dysphoria was reduced so much that it almost felt gone at the time. I thought it was gone forever. I have come to learn that while considerably reduced, it's not gone completely, it migrated and focused on the masculine features of my face. As wonderful as it is to look at myself in the shower without crying, still I'm sadly facing a fair amount of subtle systematic discrimination in daily life. My genitals are not what people see... it's the results of experiencing male puberty that people see and how they subconsciously judge me, whether they intend to or not.

Most people are generally kind to me and gender me correctly, but that’s how it comes across... not that they SEE me as female, just that they are respectful enough to be kind. What I need now is to be able to go about and be seen as a woman without the question mark. I'm asking for your help to raise enough money to have what is known as Facial Feminization Surgery or FFS as it's often abbreviated. FFS is a series of surgeries similar to conventional "cosmetic" surgeries. The main difference is that with cosmetic surgery, the aim is to "make beautiful" whereas, with FFS, the aim is to remove the changes that testosterone made to my face during puberty. It’s not about "being pretty", it's about feeling like the face you see in the mirror is yours. While makeup and hairstyles can help, there is only so much these things can do. The dysphoria I feel now is most prevalent at night and in the morning when I have no makeup on, when I'm washing my face and getting ready for bed. The cold hand of dysphoria wraps around my throat and shows me a man. A man I can't escape because I'm still wearing his face.

Far too often, I am unable to even bring myself to leave the house when the dysphoria hits. It can get that bad. I'm not looking to become some supermodel, I need to be able to look in the mirror and see MY face, the face of the woman I’ve always known myself to be. FFS can improve my mental health just as SRS did to reduce my gender dysphoria. I can go through my day without being stared at, pestered, misgendered, or without any significant bouts of dysphoria. When you spend your whole life battling dysphoria, just being able to go about your day without it is huge! Your face is the first place where your gender is read. I just want to be read as a woman.

I've wracked my brain and looked into all options of how to make this a reality. I haven't been able to find a job after 4 years and thousands of applications, I don't qualify for any bank loans, my current income is JUST enough to survive, so I can't save enough for the surgery, and there are no insurance companies that will cover FFS in Hong Kong. While SRS vastly improved my life and mental health and allowed me to change the gender marker on my ID, the passive prejudice still remains. Since I’m asking for your help, I’m only looking to have the most essential surgeries right now. The ones that will most impact my ability to be read correctly and are recommended by my very trusted surgeon which I will discuss in my upcoming vlog series. I can take care of the others when I have the money later. These are what I feel are the most essential to allowing me to get by with the least amount of discrimination.

I'm frighteningly close to being forced to move back to Canada and because of circumstances, I'm not able to bring my 12-year-old son with me. I would have to leave him behind, which adds an additional level of urgency to get this surgery done so I can have SOME chance to stay with my son. My son is the only reason I remain in Hong Kong despite the seemingly insurmountable difficulties. He is my number-one supporter! Having a supportive family thousands of miles away is one thing yet having your child accept you and love you makes this journey meaningful and necessary.

As before, I want to be open and candid with everyone and take you all along on the journey with me. I feel it really helps to humanize and normalize what some of us trans people must go through to be ourselves. So, like last time, I'll be doing a live stream vlog from before I leave to well after I've fully recovered. You can find that on my YouTube channel, and I would love to see all of you there asking all the questions you can think of! I just want to thank everyone again for your ongoing support not only for me but for my son as well.

I also accept donations on my Ko-fi page and all those will be reflected on the total here too

www.ko-fi.com/kirimorning