I'll start by saying, I have been miserable my entire life. Even as a small child. I never understood why, and that led to basically having depression, my entire life. Not just depression, but anger outbursts, crying outburst. It was always just black and white. I never knew why until a few months ago.
I will start with my ex fiance. I'm not sure why I dated this man in the first place. I never in my life did any drugs, besides smoking a little marijuana when I was a teenager, until I met him. From the first date, I could tell he was no good. That's been my problem my whole life, though. "Attaching" to people that see my care and love for others, see that as weakness, and use it to their advantage. My ex fiance emotionally abused me. It was only physical about 3 times, but don't get me wrong, the emotional abuse caused me to have nightmares, triggers, etc. Causing me to be diagnosed with C-PTSD. What I didn't know a few months ago, was that he was not the sole cause of this diagnosis. I had, in fact, been living with this condition since I was about 3 years old. Undiagnosed, obviously. I would only find out the main cause for it, after my first suicide attempt, on January 4th, of this year. I'll spare most of the details, but I will say this; up until February of this year, I had not seen my father since I was 4 years old. That was 1989. It was for a good reason. He raped me when I was 3 years old, or younger. I repressed these memories up until a few months ago. I've had reoccouring dreams my entire life about this night, but never actually being raped. My father became a registered sex offender for life in 1990. However, it was not for raping me, it was for raping a 13 year old girl. A girl that is now a woman. A girl that has been comforting me through my current despair. (I recently got in touch with her.) She knows, because she was also there the day I was raped. Being raped herself. By my father.
My mother raised me in an extremely unhealthy way, but I am going to leave out the details, because she did the best she could.
My first suicide attempt was planned for over a year. I don't remember being in the ambulance. I don't remember my 13 hour stay at the first hospital. (They brought me to the closest one, which my insurance did not cover.) I remember just bits and pieces of being at the second hospital. I was in kidney failure, a high fall risk, I had no clothes, because they had to cut them off to get to my heart when it stopped.
My mother and I moved from our home state, when I was 11 years old, 1996. I moved back to my home state in March, 2018, because I needed to put as much distance between my ex fiance, and my self, as I could. My second suicide attempt was on May 7th, of this year. Here, in Michigan. I was sent to an adult disability home, and referred to the most wonderful therapist, ever. I have been seeing him twice a week, for about 3 months. My mother and I tried to get help for myself, ever since I can remember. Probably somewhere around 1991. I've been told I'm just a bad kid, I can't be helped, they don't want to help, they are not experienced, etc.
Jumping back a bit, when I tried to commit suicide the first time, my fiance at the time, told me it was all for attention, and he kicked me out of our apartment. I was homeless. Sleeping in my car. And that's when I feel into using drugs. (Haven't touched it since late February of this year.) Because of this, my son, who just turned 14, went to live with his father. (Not my ex) I have seen him once since late February. He will not text me back, call me back, and does not want to see me if I get a chance to get back to Wisconsin. I had sole custody of him, for 13 years. I miss my baby. :(
I have been basically homeless since I got here. However, at this moment, I do have a home. It's an old family friend, but, her husband is exactly like my ex. He's extremely emotionally abusive. Physical, towards his wife. It's very hard to continue to get myself better while living here. But I have no other options.
I have no money. I am not able to work. SSI/SSA, is pending determination right now for both federal, and the state. I have no means whatsoever to support myself, and that creates a lot of friction in the house I currently live in. Which causes the man of the house to become more abusive.
I don't even know how much money to ask from anyone. How do you put a price, on wanting to get your life back on track? To wanting to prove to everyone, your friends, family, your child, that you are better? How do you put a price on missing your son so badly, that you can't sleep most nights. Knowing he's in a situation a lot like I was being raised by my mother? (Emotionally abusive, controlling, narcissistic, etc.)
I want to be happy for once in my life. I want to be happy, with my son. I want both of us to be happy. But, I need my own home. My own space. I need a working cell phone, a car. Shoot, I need money for simple things like soap, shampoo, clothes, etc. As much of a bad place as this home is for me, I also would like to contribute to some of the bills. Basically, I dumpster dive right now for bottles, so that I can return each one of them for a .10 a piece. My mental health is still extremely at risk.
Mentally, I am doing better, even despite my living situation. My therapist, just today, cut me down from 2 times a week, to just once. However, once a week now, I will be attending DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) in a group setting, on top of seeing my therapist once a week. He says I do not need twice a week, despite me wanting it. I guess that's good, right?
I have enrolled myself in school to work on my second Associate's Degree; Creative writing/English Major. My first degree was in Medical Billing and Coding. It's something that will keep me preoccupied, and keep my mind off of everything.
I recently learned how to sew, paint, fix things around the house. I manage a few websites that I have created. One is my personal use, and the other's are for other people to use. Since I don't pay rent, I contribute by doing this for them, and other things around the house.
I like to go for walks. The beaches, are very calming for me. I'm practicing to stay away from the internet, and my phone, as much as possible. I've learned that any little thing, smell, sight, touch, taste, sound, etc, can "trigger" me, and set me off.
In case you were wondering, my diagnosis's are as follows:
Borderline Personality Disorder
MRSA (from the hospital stay in January)
Recently diagnosed with Diabetes type 2
Was in kidney failure in January, so I have to keep an eye on that.
Thank you for reading.