hello, my name is ian. i am a ftm trans kid living in a transphobic country called the philippines where trans women are being murdered without any media coverage. and refuse to be homeless and be murdered simply because of my gender identity. not that women have it any easier, here. rape culture and victim blaming is still very much rampant in this country.
as soon as i graduated high school, i instantly moved to my grandmother's home to avoid my unsafe and dangerous household because my stepfather has been nothing but abusive to me and my mother but she refuses to move out because she loves him.
i had a chat host job at a bingo site, working from home, and i got fired just. before the pandemic. now, all the credible jobs i know that pays well requires a bachelor's degree of some sort. i could apply to tutoring kids english online but with my movement disorders, i won't get hired.
i only graduated a tesda program that lasted a year and a half. (i took graphic design and learned now to use photoshop and sony vegas pro.)
my parents will not approve of me going to college unless i make a living for myself. i remember being in college and only receiving 50php a day.
i had to walk to school that took two tricycle rides if i ever wanted to eat lunch at the cafeteria that day.
please keep in mind my stepfather has the means to probably give me a decent amount of allowance at the time. ne spoils my step brother to bits. he just refuses to put me into university and my real father either ghosted mom and us or dead six fit under.
there are government-issued universities that are free but that requires me having an allowance for academic expenses. i do not even have the money to feed myself. my grandmother and i are living off her government pension and my controlling mother takes any money i make from my pwd ayuda. she sends me 500php weekly out of pity and sends me groceries from time to time when she has the chance but since this is out of my stepfather's pocket, you can only guess now hesitant and scared she is since my step father hates my guts and wants me dead and out of the picture.
due to the years of abuse, i required a childhood trauma. i am professionally diagnosed with agoraphobia due to my social anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.. i am trying my hardest to get over my agoraphobia.
i want to go to a university but with the current pandemic and my parents not supporting the path of me gaining a higher education, which i need to make a solid income by applying for professional jobs online to make a solid income and support myself.
but i will be honest with you: i have tried resulting to sex work because of my health condition. i an asexual ftm trans.
i feel very uncomfortable showing my mon-transitioned body to men, it triggers my gender dysphoria. can you imagine what it feels like to be a ftm trans person and having my mon-transitioned body be sexualized, objectified and be treated like a peace of meet by men. you can say i got myself into this situation but because of my anxiety, I'm unable to say no and been scammed multiple times.
i am sick and tired of crying myself to sleep at how mentally draining this is for me. i made 12 dollars in my time on twitter. that's twelve dollars in a spam of months. it's not easy, it's not fast money but it's the only thing i can do because my laptop is dying.
also, with the neglect i faced from my parents not taking me to check-ups from a very young age (which resulted to me getting bullied for years since kindergarten to highs school— being called an epileptic autist and other derogatory terms),
i have been to late to find out i have movement disorders like tourettes syndrome, cervical dystonia, scoliosis and a detached retina with a lazy eye that requires suegery and i can go blind if i hit my head too hard as my doctor warned. if i see flashes and flares, she adviced me to see her right away. i am beginning to and i am.scared out of my mind.
most of these costs are beyond me to even make as a single person. a botox for a dystonia is 40,000 php / 800 usd.
the eye surgery is another 20,000 php / 400 usd for each eye.
i am not even asking you to pay for my medical expenses. none of these are covered by the government. at least, my mother says so. if you're from the philippines, let me know about how government hospitals work but with my agoraphobia, the lockdown and my controlling family, it's impossible for me to get it for free with the paperwork. i need to raise this much money to help myself.
i can't do anything on my own, i'm disabled and agoraphobic. i can't even step outside the house without wanting to die.
i have supportive friends who wants to get me better but we are all living poetry and struggling, they also are in abusive households. i'm not the only one. hell, if i bad the money— i'll move them out of there. this house my grandma owns, is also where my aunt lives (she lives with grandma and feeds us while grandma takes care of me) she does the hroacries but i never touch them. it is hers and not mine. i'm able to eat one meal a day because of her and i am very thankful of that.
I'm very grateful to have a roof over my head.
but i also live under her rules. i cannot apply for call center jobs because it requires going outside and they don't want me to bring covid inside the household. my mother agrees because i'm a very sickly person, too and i am not even allowed to see my friends. it's been nine excruciating, painful months since i saw my friends. no job is hiring me. the ones that doo pay me are so dirt cheap, i get around 3-4$ doing writing projects in upwork.
the company that was responsible for my emotional distress (because of police brutality. they accused me of shoplifting when i did not. i was interrogated by the guards out in public instead of bringing me to a private room because that's how interrogation procedures work, right? which triggered a panic attack from me. i did not have my meds at the time to calm me down. they were also touching me inappropriately. please note i was grocery shopping with MY MOTHER when this happened and she was furious.) has stopped covering my psychiatric sessions. they only covered six sessions, my last one is on the third of november of 2020.
i am so very sorry that i am writing this like it's a sob story but i need you to know my situation, if you want proofs of my medical records. i can give it to you, i just need a computer that can run hard and heavy programs like sony vegas pro, after effects, photoshop and the likes.
i have been suicidal for years. i do want to die but please, please. if you allow me this much kindness to kickstart my career, i will owe you my life and keep on living.
tldr: my laptop is dying. sex work is making me cry myself to sleep becauuse i do not want to show my pre-transitioned body to men online but it feels like it's the only career i got going for me until i get a decent computer.
i am willing to put the hard work. just, please. give me a chance.
by the way, that is me in the photo with my grandmother and my late grandfather. i am not exaggerating i would not be here without them. they're the only parental figures in my life that supported me since forever apart from my mother, who has her own faults but i know she is trying her best.
IF YOU KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE PLEASE DO NOT send this to my family or relatives. my stepfather is abusive and i don't want my own mother who's already dealing with health issues to get into more trouble because of this post. she can't leave my step father because she supports her financially.
EDIT: my friends told me other countries can't seem to donate on this site, here is my paypal. thank you for reading up to here.