I need help rebuilding my life and making one worth living

This is quite long and I've tried to keep is as short as I could, I also feel it's length necessary for you to understand my predicament and make an informed decision.

My name is Andrew but I much prefer going by Andy.

I'm looking for help to rebuild my life and make it one that's worth all the time and money people have wasted on it already. I've been (and still am) suffering from what has turned into debilitating depression, for a long time I was suffering from what I understand as high functioning depression. I've not really wanted to be alive for many years, starting from when I was 13-14 so about 10-11 years now (I'm 24 now). I've tried to kill myself several times over the years starting at 14. Most people assumed I was happy because I am always the one who makes jokes and generally just tries to make other people laugh. It's how I deal with being around groups and other stressful situations as I'm an introvert who battles speaking to most people. I've never told anyone in my family that I've tried killing myself, I'm an extremely private and independent person so to me it was never an option. I kept it hidden because I didn't want to be treated like a fragile person who everyone felt had to be tip toed around.

My family life hasn't been terrible but it also hasn't been good. My father was an alcoholic for many years but has been sober for over a year now. My mother and father divorced about 8-9 years ago, the actual divorce didn't affect me much if at all. The subsequent years living and dealing with an alcoholic had more of a negative impact on me, I ended up being a babysitter and cleaning up after my father. He'd get home from work and I'd sit for hours listening to him complaining about work, money, my siblings and everything in between. All while watching him drink himself into a stopper every night. once he passed out I'd go around making sure he didn't leave food cooking turning off his music while trying to wake him up to go and sleep in his own bed. Things only got worse as time went on, and I kept it together more or less. I've always had problems sleeping, mix that with almost constant thoughts of suicide and frequent panic attacks I've had since I was 6 and going to bed isn't something I looked froward to.

My parents also never sent me to school and gave up on teaching me before I was able to read or write, my reading and writing skills are still of great shame and embarrassment to me. so much so that I have been to embarrassed to tell people and have not improved them much over the years. I know this all might sound like I'm blaming others for my problems but I know that the situation I'm in is one of my own making and that I'm the one who has done this to myself. Another thing you should know about me this that I'm not normal, a lot of the time I wish I was. I can't function as many other people can and I can't really explain why because I'm not 100% sure why I'm this way.

I eat bread and hardly move most days and I'm slowly starving to death because of it, I've lost quite a bit of weight and most of my muscle, I've always been skinny so there wasn't much to lose in the first place. My body is shutting down so I decided a couple of weeks ago that I'm going to leave and just walk till my body gives in. as I didn't want money to be wasted on a funeral for me. So I made labels for who gets what packed my bag and was ready to leave, my friend begged me to stay and convinced me to do so. I spoke with another friend who was also not very happy with my plan and that's pretty much why I'm here. this is my last option, so I'm here asking people I don't know for money to move out and rebuild my life. I really didn't want to do this, I hate asking people for money or help it's a big part of why I'm in such bad shape.

I currently live with my brother and father and I hate it more then anything else, it's my own living hell I can't seem to escape. Living with my brother and father has made me not want to continue living. This house is disgusting there's always bugs everywhere all the time. most of the time I'm to afraid to eat any food that gets cooked here, cooked or uncooked food laying out for the hole day. He doesn't care about how the food tastes and he just cooks to get it over with. and you honestly don't want to know what the oven looks like. He's the same way when it comes to cleaning, so it ends up being just as pointless as the cooking.

You might be asking yourself at this point. If it bothers you so much why not get up and do it yourself, maybe if you lead by example they will do their bit too? I wish it was that easy but they will actually start doing less. I did it for a long time, trying to get them to organize and keep standards but the response I got from my father was "I'm just to lazy" and my brothers was "it bothers you so why must I do it". So yes I could do it but I'd have to cook and clean for two grown men too. They are capable of doing it themselves but they won't if they know that I'll eventually break down and do it myself.

I just need a place to come back to where I can recharge, so I can interact with people without felling completely dead inside. I can't do that here, I wish I could as if I could I'd probably be out of here by now. all I want in this world the only thing think and dream about anymore, is having enough money for food and living in a clean place where I can cook and get my physical and mental health back. I just need some time and the resources to get back to normal so I can get a job and show everyone that I am capable of taking care of myself properly. I just want to be a functional person who is self sufficient and that's why I'm asking this of all of you.

And if there's anyone else on here who you might want to give your money to instead of me do not hesitate to give it to them instead, hell if you'd rather buy your significant other a chocolate instead go and do that. I don't want you to feel in any way that you must give anything to me. I'm not even sure I deserve it to be honest, I've done this to myself and you are in no way responsible for what happens to me I don't want you to feel bad for me in any way. If you do decide to give me your hard earned money so I can change and rebuild my life I can only thank you and promise that I will use it wisely and pay it forward in any way I can for the rest of my life.

You have my eternal gratitude for reading this and hearing me out, I hope you all are keeping well and that your life is one you're happy to be living.

I'll answer any questions and provide clarification on anything anyone wants to know.

PS. If your significant other asks why you got them a chocolate, say "just cause". They will appreciate it because it reminds them that no matter where you they are always on your mind. It's the little things that make the big differences in the long run. (Not recommended for diabetics)