To be completely honest, I’ve no confidence that I could articulate clearly what I’m going through. But I’m sunken in debts and I’m too ashamed to talk to people. I’m at my wits end and I’m here hoping for a little help with the debts I’m almost buried alive in.
Growing up as a daughter in an Asian family, my mother never really regarded as someone to be cared for. Sons were seen as investments, while daughters... the expenses.
My father was never around as he was overseas. People always assume that no mothers would ever, not love their child. But here I am. The outlier.
At the tender age of 6, I was always left alone in libraries while she went for her mahjong sessions. Left to my devices, I submerged myself into the world of imagination in the books.
I was forced to quit schooling as she didn’t really give me pocket money to go to school. She told me i had to work at the age of 15 so I could earn some cash to bring home. I left school the year I had to take my O level examinations. I was an express student.
Luckily for me, I met great colleagues at the place I was waitressing at, whom encouraged and pushed for me to who continue my studies and strive for more. I listened.
I did my GCEs, Diploma and Degree in part time, all the while I was working a full time job. Life was so hard for someone so mediocre like me. I wasn’t stupid, yes. But I also wasn’t smart or good enough to be outstanding either. How I envied the others who didn’t have to pay for their education.
All those education made me accrual debt. I’m now 12k away from getting that degree which I have no means to pay for. And that means the 10k i’ve paid earlier has gone to waste if I don’t complete this.
Emotionally. I’m a wreck. Growing up in a broken family somehow ensued that my romantic path in life is destined for failure. I have trust issues, and somehow always manage to land myself into emotionally and mentally abusive relationships. After what I’ve been through growing up, the mentally abusive relationships almost had me suicidal. But I know there’s more to life than just jumping off a building. Somewhere in my head, all those years spent in libraries educating myself tells me I need to be strong. I need to. In order to not be seen as the needy, insecure woman that everyone hates. I would need less, less love, less attention, less care and concern, less words of affection. Needing less. Wanting less.
And I got really good at that. It got okay for me to survive on the bare minimum affections.
Through the emotional roller coasters of one toxic relationships after another. I gradually lost directions of my life, binge eating, careless shopping and running up credit card debt on rental and livelihood 10k The magnitude of terrible things of what I’ve done to myself still didn’t sink in.
Until, the doctor diagnosed me with diabetes last month.
And then I lost my job the next following day.
Because all of a sudden, my boss confessed she didn’t really like me, and that we have no “chemistry”. Other colleagues tried to put in a word for me (which I’m really grateful for) but alas, she’s the boss. She has the last word.
I am so tired and exhausted from trying to be normal. For trying to be other normal people who seem to have it all easily in their lives...
I’m writing my short story here because I just want a second chance in life. I want to be in a position where I can be free of financial debt and start my life up again.
I want to put my diabetes into remission, I want to eat and buy healthy food without thinking about the crazy cost. I want to look for with a dietician and help to change my eating choices, money to buy shoes and workout. I want to be passionate about life and actually live again. I wish someone would hear my cries
Thank you. For listening. Even if you didn’t choose to me help me. I appreciate you reading until this line.