please help

Hi everyone and hope you're all doing well. I read some of the other campaigns on this site. Some were for minor things, like for finacial assistance for a new dream car, or a down payment on a house to far more important things like help with medical bills ect..compared to some heartfelt plea's my reason seems far less important. But perhaps after reading my story some might feel asthough my cause is also worth contributing to. So after much thought processing and debate I've decided to tell my story. But before I mention my reason for needing some financial assistance, I'd like to thank each and every one of you who have opened up your hearts and helped out another less fortunate people already. I'm sure the people you've lent a kind generous hand to have been very thankful and so very great full for it. It really warms my heart to know that there's still some great people out there with kindness that knows no boundaries.

I think it's very admirable of you all to make a positve difference in their lives and I'm sure they'll never forget you. So thank you for being you, because there is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.

Why I've reached out for someone to help:

Perhaps I'll start at the beginning..

At an early age my parents had many problems. They divorced when I was 3 and my grandparents whom where taking care of me in my parents absence tried to adopt me because they knew my parents weren't not fit to raise a young child but my emotionally absent mother refused their offer. She wanted to get back at my dad for cheating on her the best way she could...taking his only daughter away from him..to worsen matters she requested a retraining order against them. She made up a story about their youngest son (my uncle) that he was molesting me. I don't remember anything like that because it never happened he was away attending college. It was so unfair because they were the only ones that were stable enough to take care of a child. I was so upset because they had pratically raised me and I felt like their daughter.

Shortly after my mother dragged me to AB with her. She didnt have any money so we had to live in a tiny one bedroom basement apartment in a dangerous nieghborhood on welfare. She trained me to always run and hide when someone (including my grandparents) knocked at our door. She told me people wanted to steal me. Being only a small child, I fed into her words and the thought of being stolen from my home terrified me. I lived in constant fear and paranoia.

Time went by I began to get used to the cold dark apartment we called home. My mom started a job and I began school. She only made min.wage so money was still tight as my father never paid child support. Dinners were basic, and mainly consisted of wieners and beans or macaroni and cheese or soup. It was her and I alone and lonley. We lived like that for a long time. She didn't drive so most days we'd walk or if it was extremely cold sometimes she'd scrape up some money for a bus ticket but if the transfer expired we'd end up having to walk home.

My life has always been plain and simple. My mom has trouble expressing her emotions and she never told or taught me very much. I've always wondered if that has been one of the many reasons I'm experiencing financial distress in my adulthood she never taught me how to budget or help me with homework.

Anyways continuing on...soon my mother started dating I was a little confused as to why she was seeing other men besides my dad but she never really explained that kind of stuff to me...the new bf started coming over more and more. He was always really overly friendly. He was always tickling me and touching me. I didn't say anything to my mom because I thought she'd get upset with me or wouldn't believe me. I thought I'd be in trouble for telling on him.

For about a year, between the ages of 8 and 9 he molested me. I was so ashamed. Sometimes he did it so often that when he'd put my on his shoulders for a piggy back ride, my private area would just ache from all the running he was doing.

I remember one evening while he was babysitting me I found myself lying on my back looking up at the ceiling being sexual fondled once again. I used to just stare up at the ceiling and go into my ow world. Hoping he'd stop before it would start to hurt. I don't know why I said what I said next but I think it really helped me stop the inappropriate touching.

I told him I didn't want to play his game anymore. He had seemed annoyed as I recall, he even threatened to not allow me to play his Nintendo game. I told him that it was okay and that I'd just play with my own toys. That was honestly the last time he touched me.

But the abuse didn't stop there...

instead of sexually abusing me he turned his anger towards my mother. He'd constantly beat her as I would lay on my bed crying for him to stop. He'd just slam my door if I got to loud and swear at me to shut up. I remember a separate time when he had told me that if i were to strum his guitar that he wouldn't like it. I regret what i did next, i let my curiosity get the better of me and gently ran my fingers along the cords. Immediately he stormed back unto the living room and snatched up his guitar from where it lay. He held it above his head and furiously smashed it into tiny pieces and demanded i get to my room.

I sat at the edge of my bed scared and in shock. He then placed the guitar infront of me and told me my punishment was to stare at it for hours until i learned my lesson. Then he asked me what my favorite thing in my room was. I explained that i really loved a glass ballerina my late gramma had given to me, it was very dear to me because it was the last gift she gave me before she died from cancer. He then took it off my dresser and smasshed it to pieces as well and said that if i had only listened to him in the first place it would have never happened.

Time passed and so did the beatings my mom received...

one day after school I arrived infront of my apartment after my walk home from daycare. My gramma was out front waiting for me. I guess my mom was at the police station reporting that her bf had been beating her and that we were moving away.

Later on I heard he was put in jail for 30 days. Although I'm not sure because we don't talk about those kind of things.

Time went by...

My grades in school were mediocre and I had learning disabilities due to distraction. I got in trouble with teachers for being mischievous. I never received councilling for what we experienced and my social anxiety worsened. It's been hard to make friends my whole life and I myself have been in a couple abusive relationships.

I was forced out of my moms new bf's home at 17, i graduated from high school as c student but at least I got my diploma.

But ever since then I've been struggling financially. I've worked remedial retail Jobs along the way but never could make ends meet. Now here I am again and I owe 2500 from a EMR course I took and passed with 98% but my untreated anxiety got the better of me and I couldn't persue the career. Plus because I was abused I have chronic pain in my limbs so I can't physical do the job either.

I'm on medical leave and receiving only $805 from the government. My rent bills and student loans have fallen behind and im afraid I'll be getting evicted if I don't pay up.

I don't have a bf to help me and my parents and family won't help either.. even my own father who never was really a part of my life won't help.

I'm just so hopeless right now. It's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I wonder if there even is a light. I guess I'm reaching out now as a last desperate attempt at seeing if there's anyone out there that can sympathize.

I would forever be thankful and you would be saving my life in such a great way. Oh and a little bit of good news in this story. I finally after 20 years of experiencing the adult manifestations of childhood abuse have reported my abuser. I am currently waiting for a response from police to do a video statement to see if he can be criminally charged.

It's the least I could do...hopefully by me telling story he can't hurt anyone else. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long. I held it inside all these years at a desperate attempt at being normal and now I'm finally ready to talk about it. This is the start of a new life and if I'm lucky it'll be full of hope too. Thank you for taking the time to read my long story and God bless

Sincerely,

Shay