My name is Can. I'm 21 and I'm from Turkey. I'm a medical student in Istanbul. And I also interseted in Psychiatry. Let me tell you my story...
I've met a guy from Uruguay last year on internet. He was so attractive and clever. But unfortunately I was using a fake id. (I'm gonna explain why I had used a fake id and lied him a lot). We started to talk every day and night almost every each minute. We've fallen for each other. We were talking for hours on the phone, video chats non-stop. We had created a solid connection from thousands of kilometers away. I've never felt that much deep and happy in my life, even with a people next to me in real. But I was lying about my personality and a lot more. I've tried to tell him that I'm fake, in our first month. But I've scared of losing and hurting him. I've been coward and immature and I couldn't succeed it.
After 7 months, my lies have been an avalanche from a little snow ball. The character I've created was beautiful, happy and strong. I also created fake surgeries and lethal illness. Finally, he discovered that I'm fake. But that day, he told me "We're not gonna break up, it will make both of us sad. All I cared were your feelings". I saw that he really loves me so much that day. But I couldn't tell him that illness was fake. I was scared of losing him again. He realized that I'm still lying about things. He said that he still loves me but he can't trust me anymore. The relationship is impossible because of that. Even after relationship, I couldn't stop myself and blamed him that he doesn't understand me. As last... I've lied to him that I tried to commit suicide.
Why I lied that much ?
I never wanted to hurt him on purpose because I loved him so much and he was love of my life. I've always scared of losing him so much. But I'm a mythomaniac (compulsive liar). I could lie about almost everything. Sometimes I believe in my own lies and sometimes I lie for nothing. But I couldn't control it. Because it had been my routine behavior. It has a history on my childhood. When I was child, my parents took me to a psychologist because of my lies. The only thing I was saying was "I'm not lying" and "I'm not liar" so therapy couldn't be successful because of I had ignored that I have an abnormal situation.
Before I met with my boyfriend. I was living maybe the hardest days of my lies. And it continued even after we met. I have been very successful in my 1st year at the faculty of medicine. But my parents were telling me that fee of the college is so expensive to pay and they were having money issues. Then I've changed my city and gone to one of the most religious cities in Turkey called Konya. There are ISIS bases in Konya recently as we heard in news. I've gone there just because of the university was so cheap and near to my hometown. But I never could get used to this city. I had never gone out of my flat for a year except going the faculty. Not even once. At the end of the year, there was just 1 week to my final exam and I got attacked in my car by drug dealers because of a bad friend. My family was aggressive on me instead of being supportive as always. I couldn't get rid of the shock and failed from my final exam and I've lost my whole season in the faculty. I was gonna need to restart all the courses. Actually I was studying for my exams but I was having bad results. That was surprising me. While I was leaving from the university, the dean of the faculty of medicine said "your son was not fitting with our criteria" to my father. At that moment. I've realized that they've changed my results to make me fail because I had never attended their religious group meetings. As a summary...I wasted my one whole year for nothing and my parents paid thousands of dollars for nothing. In that point, my family has been aggressive on me again. They insulted me, even physically violated me when I was 20. They've punished me for all the summer. No vacation, no holiday. I carried alone almost all the furnitures which need to be carried in order to move for weeks and that caused inguinal hernia on me. When I stopped working anymore... They said there are more. I was not able to carry more and they hit me and insulted me again. The day after... I've left from my hometown Antalya and came back to Istanbul.
I had lost my all self confidence, that's why I couldn't see myself enough to present him. That's why I've created fake, happy people. Because I was problematic, troubled with family, not successful, unhappy, aggressive and demolished. Opposite of all these... He was happy, self confident, beautiful, happy in his family and with his friends. I don't even have close friends because we always moved from city to city in Turkey. I always left my friends in another cities.
Fake diseases were hiding my unhappy life from him. I was even jealous of his social life, because he was so active. Me... I was just staying at home all day and studying, reading as an antisocial. Sometimes I was using that fake illness when I got mad with him. All I wanted is making him talk with me on the phone instead of going out with his friends. Because after all those bad days. You had been my source of happiness. Power in my dark days. I put him the center of my life more than he can do. Because it was a sickness what I was doing. I was not even going to school anymore, I was getting fat and losing all of my self esteem. But he was like a cure for me in those days.
I never could be aware of my mental problems till he left me. I couldn't even after that. I've threatened him that I'm gonna commit suicide because I was expecting him to be my lover back but he was ignoring to talk with me. Finally I stopped lying since 21st of July. Now I'm having therapy. I past the most important part of the therapy...being aware of my lies and my antisocial personality disorder
I'm not telling all these in order to make you guys have a pitty on me. I don't need that. I'm strong. I believe I'm gonna be ok soon.
Actually I can wait for years for him till I finish the college and earn my own money to go see him but I'm missing him so much. I can't work in part time jobs because of I should attend my classes and study a lot this year. And I can't ask for my parents to give me money because they're old minded and homophobic people. They'll never give me money to go Uruguay.
I want you to help me. I wanna finish my therapy and be a better man for myself first and then for him. I know I can change.
You can't say that you gave me the 2nd chance too Santi. Because I never could be aware of my situation till 21st of July. I'll ask for 2nd chance when I arrived next to you. Believe me I've never hurt you on purpose. I love you love of my life
I want your help in order to buy tickets to go Uruguay. THANKS FOR YOUR DONATIONS
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