my name is Andre and I want to heal and change my life.
I've just turned 32 and I still live with my father in his flat, have no girlfriend, no job, no savings, no close friends, but lots of untreated emotional traumas, psychological complexes and problems with my health as a result.
Last few years I have virtually spent at home (after I left my job) all by myself and travelling. I felt that an old chapter of my life came to the end and it was time to analyse the 1st 30 years of my life and only then I realized that misery in my life, especially my failures in relationships and career, had to do with my full of fears and silent suffering childhood and adolescence, which I thought I had so happily buried somewhere in my subconscious. You know, I thought it had already gone long time ago and I could just forget it and live without it's influence the rest of my life. For good or ill, it didn't work that way.
As a child and adolescent I was often rebuked, verbally and psychologically abused and neglected. What I want to say is, that when I analysed my life I realized that I was a cripple. Only then I figured out why I couldn't build healthy relationships, why I so strongly lacked self-confidence, why I felt so insecure around people, why I couldn't ask other people and especially my family for help or support when I needed it, why I didn't love myself. There's lots of WHY. But the worst realization was that I was still there in more or less the same environment and had no clue of how to change that.
I realized that if I ever wanted to make something good out of this mess called my life I had to do something about that. I braced myself and left my last job which was really hard as I could count only on myself, I finished old and outlived relationships and started travelling and various medical treatments. Deep down I felt that travelling itself as well as those medical treatments wasn't a solution, for it struggled with the consequences leaving the root of the problem untouched, but at that time it was the best thing I could do. I believed that everything comes at the right time. I've spent around 3 years and all the money I had to change my life and.. And I'm still here where I started. I've got lots of valuable lessons, I met lots wise and kind people and as a result I've got lots of nice memories. But I'm still here. I went back to the place which I wanted to flee from. I realized, it's impossible to change or escape from the past and I don't want, I just want to heal those emotional traumas and embark on a new journey called healthier and happier life.
The problem is I got lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to love and live!, deep down I feel I still have small dreams, but all of them seem to contradict each other tearing my psyche apart and I just can't base my life on this ill and outworn platform anymore. In order to move forward I need to get rid of all those illusions and negative influences of the past and find inner peace. I want to let bygones be bygones. That's why just a few months ago when I learnt about Ayahuasca treatment right in an instance I realized - THIS IS IT! That's what I've been looking for the last few years. That's what I need! It was a sense of relief as if I had eventually found a way home after long years of exhausting wandering.
The very thought of participating in Ayahuasca ceremony makes me happy. No, not because it's pleasant, many people say it's not, but because it may help me to fix my psyche and physical body, so I can restart my life. The problem is I absolutely have no money to do that. I do small jobs just to buy some food, necessary clothes and some medicines for myself.
The good news is that I have found a few retreats that accept volunteers for a discounted price (700-800$ including Ayahuasca ceremonies), so the only thing I need is to choose a retreat and get from Europe to South America (700-800$). As of now, I can't afford it, that's why I need your help. I just can't do it by myself.
Though I don't have a deadline, I'd like to go there as soon as possible as nothing holds me where I am today. Only lack of money. Moreover, the situation in which I'm now is not healthy and contributes to the problems with health (constant anxiety, indifference to life, seborrheic dermatitis, irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia, mood swings and a few more other problems).
I believe that in order to get something I have to give something in return and the only thing I can give to you now is my sincerity and a promise that I'll go to the end in order to fulfil my goal.
Feel free to get in touch If you have any questions.
PS If you can't donate, but can share this it's also highly appreciated!
Please, give me a chance.
UPDATE: Hi guys, thanks a lot to all who shared or supported my fundraising campaign! I also received lots messages containing quite a lot of new information about retreats or other spots where Ayahuasca ceremonies can be done in Europe and after checking all the info I decided to do it here without crossing the pond. As a result I need much less money - 350€. Of course, I still need your help, but at least now I feel that I'm one step closer to my goal.