Would you help out a fool like me?
It all started with weed, talk about a gateway drug.
It was like a breath of a new life my first couple of times I was in pure bliss and awe of the world, I remember thinking wow this is what’s actually like to feel emotions and joy I remember looking at a picture and just weeping at the realization of all the years I have lived without feelings or emotions.
I grew up in small town with no infrastructure, I was exposed to cocaine and weed from the age of 9 until then I felt like life was just about survival I would live on my own for days at a time cooking and looking after myself and going to school before we left and started a normal life, but I never fit into a normal life after that.
My first memories of this world, is my dad drunk abusing my mom and me almost drowning
ever since I was emotionally closed off my biggest fear when I was 5 was that if my mom died, I would not be able to cry at the funeral and everyone would find out I don't have emotions.
I spent most of my life living with that fear and being withdrawn from reality until I discovered drugs.
I think of myself as a psychopath with learned empathy I was destined to become a low life criminal and probably worse and I wouldn't be here without my venture into the drug culture world
I have learned so many things about myself and they have helped me become a fully self-actualized person, ecstasy allowed me to feel physical emotion and psychedelics allowed me to see the beauty and meaning of life ever since I have found meaning in my life and I just want to save the world and show the people what I’ve seen and experienced, but of course with its own negatives for the last five years I abused whatever I could find just to escape reality couldn’t go a day being sober without breaking down, things always catch up all the wrongs I’ve done and the people who suffered in the wake of my mistakes.
most of all the saddest part of all this is the effects of this on my mom watching her age and be burdened by my mistakes I see her get more weary and depressed each time, her hair started to fall out due to the stress and pains me every time I look at her I think I’m killing my mother with my actions it’s so depressing that I would avoid family gathering and not see them months at a time because of the guilt.
About 6 month ago I arrested I was charged with possession and was looking at doing a year in prison, I went to rehab got clean and all my things in order, got through with no criminal record, found a good steady job close to home, I was living the life I had goals and motivation I saved up money to pay off some of my bills and saved up for a car, but I guess my karma had a debt as well. Just a week after I got the car the transmission blew out the cost to repair was twice what I payed for the car but I had a friend who helped out, it was an easy job if you replace the whole thing by yourself so I spent all my money on the car buying tools and parts.
I had to borrow money from family and my mom,
and last week I was made redundant at my job two weeks prior to my manager promising me I would be made permanent, so now I have no job and no money and no car and my family has been bailing me out for too long, I am about miss my payment on rent and I’m still paying off my debt to my previous landlord who helped me out, then I will have nowhere to go. Worst part is I can't say this to anyone as I feel I already dragging everyone down with my mistakes right now I feel I would rather die than to tell my mom I lost my car and my job and ask for money again it will break her heart.
I know it’s not the worst thing in the world I’ve seen a lot of families struggle and societal and cultural poverty I consider myself lucky based on where I come from but as always that was never good enough right now I just want to make it through this mess and for once provide a decent holiday for my loved ones and get my life on track so hopefully not to waste my experience and hopefully leave the world a better place then I found it I just want everybody to happy for goodness sake.
The total amount is for all the bills I have I wouldn’t dream to fulfill the whole amount I just need enough for rent and food until I’m stable, anything helps.
Thank you for reading my story its actually feels like a load of just putting it all into words.
Stay safe and be grateful for what you have nothing is worth losing your family.