Help me restore my life

Hello.

My name is Tye (Not really)

My life is a mess...it's hard to explain and there's a lot talk about.

I've born with Poland syndrome to a single mother, my father was not man enough i guess.

They've met in an university, fell in love and all these shenanigans.

The day I've born, my father saw me and held me, then he said to my mother that he will come back tomorrow, he never came back...

So yeah, i had no father and you know what happens to fatherless kids, bullying, kids laughing at you for not having a father, no one teaches you how to become a man, etc.

My mom was working a lot, crazy shifts too, she was working in metro, 2 days work 1 day off, so she had to put me at her friend's place when she was at work.

That friend had kids too (brother and sister) so my mom thought i'm gonna be happy staying there, she was wrong...

That kid, well he was much older than me, 15... if i remember right, i was 4 years old. So that kid used me, if you understand what i mean...

The sad part is, he was not alone, there was a neighbor's kid who used me as well, at different occasions.

I grew up thinking that everyone goes through that, that it's the way of showing care or something, i dunno... The saddest part these 2 were also not the only ones who "used me" there were relatives who did that to me as well (approximately 4 of them, girls...)

One day, it was winter, i was playing outside, i saw a man at his 30's, he looked like someone really interesting and was Emitting some kind of good vibes, charisma... i dunno i was kid don't judge me lol.

Well that man became my step dad, although it sounds like something good finally happened to me, it sadly was not.

At first he was very kind, very interesting person, he played guitar too!

he played many more instruments but guitar was his main instrument.

He would play us songs, sing, these were happy times, short... but happy.

Slowly he turned into an aggressor, short fuse,frustrated animal.

He would beat me...oh boy... like there was no tomorrow, he would say that i am worthless, stop crying, only girls cry.

He would punch me, kick me, throw stuff at me, he would tie me up to something like a dog and deny me from meals.

He would force me to hold a huge pot of water (the size of my self)

on my 2 hands, above my head, while i was standing on my knees... but he would also spill salt or peas under my knees, so it would be more interesting for him.

I was scared... i was scared from him like from a ghost, or a devil.

When he walked into the house, i would stop breathing, i would walk so silent, you can't even hear me, like a butterfly.

Meanwhile, my mom got pregnant, so i got to be the older brother, it was twins, boy and girl.

I felt miserable, i knew what these kids born into.

Couple years later,i got another sister. My father migrated to another country, we stayed back where we were until he finishes with all the papers and become a citizen.

I thought for my self, finally, the devil has gone, not for ever but at least for the time being.

Times were hard, mom with 4 kids, i was selling hot tea in winter with torn off shoes on, soda in summer with out shoes at all lol, in hippodrome. Collecting cardboard, selling for a change, scavenging, trying to find money any way possible.

Couple years later (i turned 13), we joined father in the new country, Israel, hoping for better life.

My Grandmother, from fathers side, after seeing what her kid does to me, told him to send me to boarding school, where i was hoping, will finally have some air to breathe, i was wrong again....

I've been used there as well... Thanks god some of the teachers noticed something was wrong and found out what was happening, so they kicked him from that school but i was already heartbroken and the thoughts of ending my life appeared at that stage.

To forget all of my past i turned into drugs, at age 13, i didn't know what to do... and coming back home seeing father getting beat up again, i didn't know what to do, the saddest sad part was that, after all that beating, bad words, wishes, this man (my father) has also.... used me, i never had enough strength to tell anyone. He was punished, not by me, not by any human being, he got cancer and had died to it, so is my grandmother from father side. But before he died me and him had very dangerous relationship, my mom found out that he was cheating on her, so she kicked him out of our place with help of the police and government, but he would keep coming back scaring us saying he would stab us to death, throw a TNT etc,etc.

Age 18. i'm joining army, armored corps.

One day i'm coming back home and seeing my father holds my mom by the neck in 1 hand and a pan in another, i throw all i had on my hands jump between them, throw them both to different sides, my mom walked away, my father however, decides to fight back, throwing bad words as usual, trying to scare me off and punch me in my face, well, not something i want to talk about too deep, long story short, he flew through the whole corridor after i for my first time in my life, fought back against my father, since then he would never EVER tell any bad words towards me or my siblings.

Anyways, me as usual, hoping for best, thinking finally i beat my demons, will now have finally normal life, boom we go into a war and another one and another one and i stopped counting.

Seen scary stuff back in army, not something i want to describe to anyone, lost friends... got my self injured couple times, fun times.

Age 21. End of army, i'm thinking to my self, for the thousand's time, may be now, is when my life will FINALLY be OK? hahaha, NOPE.

Of course there was some short time when i had fun and lived the dream, i mean i have just finished army in one of the, if not the most dangerous places on earth, ALIVE!

So the habit in Israel is, when u finish army, u go wild, to celebrate,

so... u know, sex drugs and rock&roll.

When i finished my "celebration" and the time has come to the point where you have to go work or study, i went for work, as a nobody, in a construction site.

I have learned a lot in there, from a no one i became a locksmith-welder.

I was working hard, remember my father died from cancer, my mom gave up on life and turned into the alcohol, i had siblings who were under age 18, i had to take care of them.

Things gone fine and i thought i finally got to live this life like a normal human being, met a girl, got married.

One day (approximately 10 years from the day i start working), my boss comes with an offer... an 1 time in life opportunity by his words...

Me, being a future father, already realizing what was the offer, thinking to my self, FINALLY! the good days have come!

The offer was that i become his partner due to the situation i was in and he knew me for 10 years, he pretty much knew my past, most of it.

I of course accepted the offer, who wouldn't right? especially at my situation.

Things were good at first, money flow, company was flourishing and i thought to my self, after all these years, after all i have gone through, i now finally live the dream! Raise my kids with honor! I am not useless and worthless as my father used to say! You think i was right this time? no.... i was wrong...

he scammed me, he took lots of loans from places and put the company in debt saying "we got new projects and new workers, we need more money for the start" and once i found out what's happening he disappeared leaving me with - 500000 USD debt.

Now i have lived a hell of a life as you already read above , i have never asked anyone for help, i was hoping my entire life for a ray of light, i quit with drugs i quit with bad habits because i always hoped for them good days to come.

I sit here now, full of sorrow, my brain doesn't work any longer, i lost the desire to keep living this life, only thing keeps me trying to push forward is my family, i'm a father of 3 beautiful daughters, age of 4, 2 and 2 months old, please, have mercy.