Hi I'm Sophie and I have mild BPD with episodes of depression. I took it upon here to ask help for my medications. Yes I am able to work and earn but it isn't enough for myself and my family. I am the eldest of four with both my parents being disabled so I earn not for myself but for my family- sending my siblings to school, help with my parents medical needs and pay the bills. I basically live not for myself and all that I earn goes to my family for their needs. I am taught to forego my own needs for the need of my family as the eldest, I also grew up in a community where mental disorder is taboo. My parents wouldn't take my episodes seriously, the community I am in told me this depression thing I am saying is only an illusion I made as an excuse to not perform "normally" and BPD is not even known to them. I have no support system growing up, and it was instilled in me that it is my obligation to put their needs first before my own.
I also have PTSD, it happened a year ago when I was assaulted and robbed in an alley on my way home. I sustained two stab wounds in my face that are now scars, and during that time I was blamed for what happened to me- the victim blaming was real and I fell into a deeper depression for being blamed by my own family. I was traumatized but my family brushed it off as me just being dramatic over what happened. It was on the local tv news and online, people were sharing it and the article included my name and complete address. All the comments and messages were mostly victim-blaming and I feel vulnerable knowing my details were out for the public to know including those criminals who robbed me. But my family thinks I'm just making a big deal out of it, they didn't care of my emotional and mental state, and can only see the physical healing.
I really want to get professional help and break away from here. I feel caged here, I can feel the oppression and unfair judgement. Although I get free counseling I can still feel I cant be fully honest with the doctor. A friend told me that I don't give myself enough credit and that I deserve better. I deserve medications, a better living environment, acceptance and support. I know I deserve better and can do better, but unfortunately I have nothing to spend on myself anymore in order to get help. I am hoping to find help here financially in order for me to get started with therapy and in hopes to fund a ticket to a better future. I live in a remote area and I wanted to find a better job in the big city once I am in a more stable state emotionally and mentally. I want to get better and I need help.