Everything is pretty much healed. I do have a sore chest – tender in some areas around the incisions. But the swelling under my arms and around the incision on the right is going down.

I wore jeans for the first time today without extreme discomfort around my waist.

The thing is I don’t think we talk about the emotional cost of a mastectomy.

It kind of surprised me.

I have to admit that having fairly good sized breasts was never comfortable for me. They brought unwanted attention even from my father and I always tried to wear over sized clothes growing up to make them less conspicuous.

I didn’t expect to miss them and it’s odd that I miss them in a weird way.

There is a feeling of vulnerability that I have now. They remove all breast tissue between the chest wall and the skin so the bones are right there.

I know a lot of women get reconstruction but I REALLY don’t want that. Especially at 70 and having had 6 hospital stays that were serious in the last 4 years.

It feels odd NOT to put on a bra and leave the house.

It feels odd not to have to lift them to rinse under – and I find myself going through the motion in the shower and the strangeness of nothing to lift.

I am not a person who let herself fell physically vulnerable except on very rare occasions – I just don’t so this is a whole new experience for me.

The other thing is that I have to remind myself that it’s been only 4 months since the 2 surgeries for the mastectomies and only 2 for the surgery that was pretty much the exact surgery for my hysterectomy in 2014 – used the same incision – the tumor was in the same place so it was a very long incision –

I tend to gloss over it like I should be over it all.

It just feels odd and sad and uncomfortable on all levels.

So to people who have sent so much love and support and money ( just a small plug – you can paypal me directly at ilewars.com) when they could – you have been my lifeline – a gift just by being you – for reaching out – lighting candles praying on whatever way you do that – it matters and I remain deeply grateful