For the Best Twilight Years

Update posted by Marie Chandler On Nov 23, 2018

Right. So. My 'funding campaign' is NOT going well. At ALL. And the reason why it gets to me so much, is because I was very, VERY reluctant to do it, in the first place. Heck, I only finally created the campaign, MONTHS after everything that had finally trigged me to do so, went down.

But also, I'm not someone who handles disappointment well. And saying that, is an understatement. I have depression. And YES, I KNOW - we ALL do, right? Though this - all of this, the campaign, things not going well with my parents, struggling financially, and YES, it almost being Christmas and the new year...it's making EVERYTHING so, SO much worse. I feel like I'm suffocating, sometimes. Like I want to crawl into a hole and just...never come back out again.

Me, putting myself out there, practically baring my soul - and my personal life, and the issues I have - is NOT something I do lightly. Hence why I didn't really WANT to start the finding campaign in the first place. Because I can just FEEL people being...judgmental. Wondering, "well, WHY doesn't she have a job" or "what kind of 'disability' is she getting a social grant for". Because yes, I know: I LOOK fine, right? Like there's nothing wrong with me. But also...it's REALLY no-one's business, right? The point is, I DO only receive a social grant. And I CAN'T go work. If anything, I can't leave my parents to fend for themselves, every day. Because THAT is my job: taking care of my parents.

In-between all this, I am not doing great. In all seriousness, I am doing VERY, VERY badly. The ONLY bright thing in my life, are my dogs. Not that they are 'dogs', to me - they are very literally my LIFE. I call them my 'Kiddies'. If not for them, we'd ALL - my parents and me - really be dead, by now. And all that is yet another issue: Every day, I am TERRIFIED of something happening to them. One of them getting sick, or just ANYTHING bad happening. Because that is what my brain does: It's constantly shouting out to me, in bright, screaming neon letters, ALL of the negative crap that can - and probably WILL - happen.

And 99.9% of ALL of those 'things' that could happen? If they do happen, NOW...we are SO screwed. Because...we don't have money. We are hanging on by a thread. And it KILLS me, that there's NOTHING I can do...but what I've BEEN doing: BEGGING.

And I also hate doing that. Because I KNOW others struggle, too. I know there are people who struggle way, WAY more than me and my family. But since creating my campaign, and, like I said, baring my soul and putting my entire personal life out there for the whole world to see...it's made things so much more...REAL, for me. And now I CAN'T give up. And yet, EVERY single thing I've tried - sharing as much as I can, on social media, writing updates (like THIS one), messaging people, afraid of annoying the hell out of them...nothing WORKS.

The strangest thing of all, is that of the people who HAVE helped - by either donating (I got TWO donations in all. TWO), or helping to share my posts - are folks who are struggling, too. People who I look up to, and who I have been following and admiring because of their talent. And I am so, SO thankful for their help. It makes me feel so much humility, and even guilt, knowing that those people try to help me, when they have their own troubles to deal with.

And still, through all of this...I am not okay. I have trouble getting through every day. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I can't sleep, at all. I desperately want some kind of distraction from all the negative thoughts (thank GOD for Pippin and Lola, EVERY DAY!). I read fanfic - the only other joy in life that I am SO grateful for that I hardly have words. I watch my shows, or my Marvel movies. But it still doesn't REALLY get the job done. Because there IS one thing, that ALWAYS worked. That could get me out of my own head, like NOTHING in this world could: WRITING.

I can't write, anymore. The last time I wrote something - other than campaign pages and things like what I'm writing right NOW - was almost three years ago. Writing, JUST for the love of writing. Because I DO love writing. It's the ONE thing in this world that I am actually, maybe a LITTLE bit good at. And even IF I'm not good at it, at ALL...I still LOVED doing it. And I MISS it, like crazy.

But no matter what I do, how hard I try...it's just not happening anymore. And really, anyone who knows anything about writing...when you have to FORCE it...it's not fun anymore, anyway.

That last time I wrote? It was right before things started falling apart rather spectacularly, in our home. My dad's health started deteriorating more, he spent time in hospital, days in bed. And I just...lost it. Lost THAT part of me. The part that could shut out the world, and all of it's bad things, and just...go somewhere else. I can't do that, anymore. And I HATE it. It's like I have no choice, but to constantly deal with all the worries and troubles that's day to day life, now. And it's EXHAUSTING.

I'm NOT a strong person. Not even close to it. And whenever I see some of the other funding campaigns, I want to DIE. Because it makes me feel SO, SO bad, complaining and begging for donations, when there are people who have it SO much worse than I do. But again...this is for my FAMILY. The ONLY people in this world, who matter to me. I can't live without them, and watching them struggle, and not being able to really DO anything about it, is slowly destroying me. I have already lost so much of who I use to be, that I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Sorry for the VERY long-winded self-pity party. I just REALLY needed to vent. And apparently to just bare my soul even MORE.

Once again, thank you, and God bless.

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Update posted by Marie Chandler On Oct 20, 2018

First off, I WROTE my main post for this campaign MONTHS ago - just after we got my dad's diagnoses. That was around May/June.

Since then, my dad was put on Zoladex. It's a three monthly implant. He got the first one in early June. At the same time, after a LOT of research, I got him a bottle of cannabis oil...and it was NOT cheap. But after having read about all the possible side-effects of the Zoladex, I was terrified, and wanted something that could help my dad, WITHOUT a million possible hideous side-effects.

I raided my "emergency" savings, which I had been saving over a span of about 5 years, already. And in one swift move, basically ALL of those savings were tapped out.

Now, months later, my dad is a LOT worse off. His PSA count HAS gone down (all due to the cannabis oil, I am CONVINCED), but just as I had feared, the Zoladex has messed him up something horrible. As I've said, my dad has an old back injury, dating back to the 70's. One of Zoladex's main side-effects, is spinal pressure, and bone pain - and the thinning of bones.

So now, my dad has had to be referred to an orthopedic specialist, too. Which means MORE trips and MORE petrol money. Gas prices in South-Africa are currently INSANE. We've gotten help from our church once or twice, but even they have said they can no longer help out financially.

My dad's cannabis oil is almost finished. He decided to discontinue the Zoladex after just one "treatment", because of the unbearable back pain he now has EVERY DAY.

It's awful to see my dad like this. As I've said, he's always been an active person. He does welding jobs, and things like that. Now he can't do any of that, and it's affecting his state of mind. He's depressed and angry, and it affects our entire household. My mom isn't well, herself, and the stress of seeing my dad like this, is NOT helping.

Again, I am BEGGING. I want to make things BETTER for my dad, again. I want to be able to afford some better medicine, or maybe even better doctors, for him. But I am literally HELPLESS to do ANYTHING, without some kind of financial help. And SOON, too.

Once more, thank you, and God bless.

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Jemiah Jefferson

Backed On Jan 28, 2019 Amount Hidden

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Anonymous

Backed On Oct 22, 2018 Amount Hidden

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Jemiah Jefferson

Backed with $40.00 On Oct 20, 2018

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Anonymous

Backed On Oct 20, 2018 Amount Hidden

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Marie Chandler

Campaign Owner

flag Jan Kempdorp, za

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