In honor of 50 Cent going bankrupt and causing his net worth to be equal to the money value of his name, I've decided to launch my own rapping career under the name "Fitty Mill." I'll be just like 50 Cent, except richer. The problem is, I don't have much money, so I need some help getting rich. I've set the fundraising goal conservatively at one million dollars, but obviously I'd like to get up to fifty million. I'm not being greedy, it's just my name.
Most rappers have to release an album or at least a few singles before they start making millions, but they're doing it wrong. I'll make the money first, and then later if I feel like it I'll roll out some music. Until then, you'll just have to take my word for it that I'm very good.
To all you billionaires out there trying to figure out what to do with all your money, why not give me a couple million? I know you want to. Please?
One dollar: Eternal gratitude of the great Fitty Mill
Five dollars: Fitty Mill will wish good fortune upon you the next time he visits a wishing well or sees a shooting star
Ten thousand dollars: Fitty Mill may or may not send you a personalized Segway covered in special exclusive Fitty Mill stickers. In fact, they're so exclusive that Fitty Mill himself doesn't have any. He would have to create them especially for you. Then he would use the money to buy himself two more Segways and wonder why you paid ten thousand dollars for a Segway when you could have bought at least three for the same price.
(Full disclosure to anyone who reads this far: any contributions will go directly toward my college fund and are greatly appreciated)