Everyone deserves to look forward to tomorrow

I don't know exactly what I did in my past life because I am at a loss for words with my current one, especially this past year; shit keeps piling up, and up, and I'm losing strength to hold on. I've been crying all week and now, I just feel so numb and broken.

As a child I dreamt of growing up, finding my prince charming, living in my dream home, and having a large family. Life had other plans, I felt like the world was conspiring against me every step of the way; as a result, I have often shied away from people and opportunities. It's difficult for me to speak my mind without feeling like my voice doesn't matter and like nobody wants to hear my sob story and even now it's difficult to ask for help especially when seeing the obstacles others on here are dealing with, especially now with Covid.

I was sexually assaulted as a young child, first at 3 again at 7. At first, I didn't understand and hid behind a pencil and paper. I felt safer in the worlds I created and happily lived vicariously through characters in storybooks and movies. Eventually, food became my coping mechanism when I would find myself too upset to write or even read. My reasoning, as a young child, was that I could beat the monsters at their own game. If I ate and were no longer pretty, they would leave me alone.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, I was assaulted throughout my teens, bullied for my weight; I never really fit in anywhere. Cutting was my newest vice, I lacked trust, developed social anxiety, & depression and I just wanted it all to end; I needed an escape. I dropped out of high school and had multiple seasonal jobs as I chased my passion for writing.

I was accepted into Vancouver Film School at 18 but could not afford to go. I saved and along with student loans was finally able to attend at 30. I met a large number of people who shared my interests each with their own reasons that lead them to want to share their own stories. I made amazing memories and life long friends while at VFS.

*Student loans = $35,000


Since I graduated, my phone has been shut off and my bank account closed as I've struggled to find work. I fell into a catch 22 that revolves around money. I can't start my own production company, submit scripts to film festivals, pay my student loans, or provide for my own basic needs; my two potential sources of income halted without startup funds. I've been applying for work everywhere without luck.

Thankfully, my mother has stood by my side and supported me and my passions. We live in low income and this is the second house we've been placed that has had black mold and that our landlords have chosen to ignore. They make annual lists that are disregarded and instead they upgrade random items we never asked for as they are more affordable than dealing with black mold and a rusted tub that is slowly developing a hole.



We moved around a lot as I grew up and our last house was the first one we stayed in longer than a few years. When we found the mold in the walls, we were told the most they'd do is paint over it. My mom spent the next few months sleeping in the living room. We contacted the city and they sent an inspector who found out we had a leak in our roof and a problem with the basement window wells, which caused frequent floods and eventually developed mold. They sent a warning to our housing and in return our housing gave us 3 days to move to a new place, we lost a lot of furniture due to the mold and left items behind with the short notice. Our current home has had mold for a long time due to weak fans in the bathrooms, after years of complaints they painted over the problem. A few more years passed and finally they changed the fans. The mold has grown back and spread and still they ignore the issue, we're worried if we contact the city or hire a low-income lawyer we might be evicted. As they've sent us notices in the past for their own office mistakes and tried to intimidate us after discussing the mold problem and withholding rent for a month or two.

All my stress, anxiety, and depression have taken a toll on my health, it feels as if they've gotten worse since Covid and quarentines. Sleepless nights, migraines, low iron, possible infertility, depression, anxiety, and an episode this past year where I nearly fainted at my grandmother's funeral. I had to excuse myself and wait outside until I was no longer lightheaded. I missed the letter she wrote in which she remembered her time during the residential schools in Canada.

My birthday was the next day, February 23rd, I was unable to do anything in celebration, and for the first time ever, I didn't actually feel like it was worth celebrating; I couldn't even afford a cake. If I had gotten the chance to make a wish that evening, it would have been to have a permanent roof over my head without fear of eviction, find a job in a town where I feel safe, and work my way to financial stability (not only for myself but for my dogs.) And so that I can finally start that family I've dreamt of for so long.

I am hopeful I'll get back on my feet and be able to start over someplace new, far away from triggers and reminders of my past where I can truly heal and where jobs are more readily available. I pray for a permanent roof over my head, food in my stomach, and steady income to one day repay my mother for her unconditional love and show her how much I appreciate all she's done for me. My future dreams are to own my own house and run my own film production company. I aspire to live life, attend movies with friends, go out dinner, travel, etc. And give back to women and children of abuse, prevent starving children, and rescue abandoned dogs.

UPDATE DUE TO COVID: ** {There has been a strain on my relationship with my mother, our government has not financially helped the poor or low income, one bag of groceries from the food bank with mostly moldy vegetables does not last the month. I had a very promising interview prior to everything being shut down, sadly now that things are slowly reopening in my city I learned that the place is no longer hiring and may need to close down for good... Our washing machine broke down and basement nearly flooded, it took our housing a few days to finally respond so we could have the problem fixed (backed up drainage) unfortunately the washer is beyond repair but we were finally able to clean the smelly water.} **

**{Our lawn mower broke down, bbq rusted and my mom was in a vehicular accident. Thank God she was okay, although her vehicle suffered greatly, and her cellphone was smashed. I couldn't do anything but laugh, what next? I applied to the Group Effort Initiative with Ryan Reynolds and learned today that I was not lucky enough to join their team this time around. And the worst thing... My 14 year old CockerSpaniel Cross has tumours and bad teeth, I cannot afford to replace anything let alone have her teeth & tumours removed. I have to make a difficult call and have her put down & hopefully cremated. I'll miss you Astrid my LadyBug

*Emergency dental surgery will cost up to $10,000

There normally isn't a prize in return for your donation on these campaigns seeking help, however, I am willing to make thousands upon thousands of dreamcatchers in all shapes and colours. I've been learning to bead, I'm not very good at it, so dream catchers are really the only thing I can offer currently in return for a donation.